3.21.23 Dark Brandon drops a veto

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. For example, you might see sentences like “Hurry up and indict that pig-fucking shithead already.”

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How are your fine asses today? We thought so. We are too. Totally chill. Not a care in the world. Totally wasn’t expecting some really exciting news today that we’ve been waiting for for seven fucking years. Obviously we’re all waiting for an indictment. And obviously Trump is trying to spin up some more violence for when it drops. But this time the goat-horned shit-smearers were too busy being chickens to show up.

But don’t worry. We did find one real pro-Trump protester, and we managed to get a brief not real interview with him…

TBS: Hi! What brings you out here?

Trumper: You commie assholes are arresting a man whose only crime is loving America.

TBS: Well he also broke the law by paying off a porn actress and covering it up.

Trumper: He did what?!

TBS: Yeah, have you not heard about this?

Trumper: No! That is SO fucked up! I’m so ashamed. I’ve always been a believer in family values. How could he betray us?

TBS: Um, dude, he’s done a lot of other shit too. Do you know about the attack on the Capitol?

Trumper: It wasn’t a normal tourist visit?!

TBS: It was an attack on the US Capitol that resulted in 140 cops getting injured and a few people dying.

Trumper: Why didn’t I hear any of this on Fox or Newsmax or Mike Lindell’s Crazy Whacky Cracktime Partypants Hour ?

TBS: Is that a real question?

Trumper: No, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go sit in my sunken boat and think about how ashamed I am. My ex-cousin-wife is never gonna believe this shit.

So it’s probably not gonna go like that for Trump supporters, but we can dream. Right? Y’all have a great day.

Note two: What should we do if the hammer does drop? We keep thinking dance party, but we’re not sure how to pull that off with a newsletter. We know there will be a lot of glitter involved. The pundits can clutch their pearls. We’re gonna party.

Note three: Speaking of Trump’s legal troubles, a judge rejected his bid to combine the two E. Jean Carroll cases and rejected another one of his attempts to keep out evidence. So that seems to be going well for him. More: NBC

Note four: The NYT has a deep dive at Oversight Chairman Jamie Comer today and he’s exactly the partisan dumbfuck you’d expect him to be. That goddamn goober said Marjorie Taylor Greene is like LeBron. Pathetic, bro. More: NY Times

Note five: Sometimes we think we’re too hard on the beltway media. And then we see shit like this…

Note six: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! SHE IS STILL BACKING SANTOS AND COVERING UP AN ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL AND THEY’RE LITERALLY FUCKING ASKING HER ABOUT HER FAVORITE FUCKING FOODS.

Note seven: Sorry to shout.

Note eight: Fox is in some more serious shit after a producer filed a lawsuit against them alleging more heinous fucked up behavior from more heinous fucked up people. It should concern us all that all these revelations about Fox haven’t changed one single bit of media behavior. More: CNN

Note nine: We saw Hillary tweet this this morning about mothers in abortion ban states being three times more likely to die and really this should be the goddamn news that everyone is talking about. More: GEPI

Note 10: It was so cool to see the Ted Lasso gang at the White House yesterday. Even if the White House press corps did make an absolute fool of itself.

Note 11: The Salt Lake Tribune nailed Rep. Burgess Owens for condemning Biden’s student loan forgiveness after declaring bankruptcy three times. What an asshole. And what good journalism. More: Salt Lake Tribune

Note 12: Are y’all watching women’s March Madness because it is absolute, well, madness. More: ESPN

Note 13: Rupert Murdoch is getting married again. They’re registered at wherever demented rich fucks who hate democracy get registered. We wish them a long life of fucking off and eating shit. More: CNN

Note 14: Wyoming has banned abortion pills. Fuck Wyoming. Maybe when the same assholes who sold us the Iraq War get done selling us a Trans Panic, they can actually pay the fuck attention to what’s happening in this country. More: CNN

Note 15: So what was Trump’s Stormy Daniels lawyer saying about the case a few years ago? Oh dear. LOLOL

Note 16: Remember Tennessee Lt. Gov. who was liking all those thirst traps on instagram? Well he just survived a vote of no confidence in the state Senate. He’s lucky the people voting were also shameless hypocrites. More: Tennessean

Note 17: New York City public libraries are dying. Well that’s not true. Technically the mayor is killing them. It’s hard to overstate how much we hate this dude. More: The City Life

Note 18: On a sad note, RIP to Kim Mangone. Kim was a friend of TBS’s and American democracy, and we’ll forever be grateful she had the heart and the guts to take on Kevin McCarthy. Rest in Power, Kim.

Note 19: Sen. Machaela Cavanaugh is a fucking badass, and we are fans. More: AP

Note 20: And on that hopeful note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are hanging in there this week, keeping your cool while we wait for orange to go down. Don’t listen to the assholes trying to ruin this for us all. Don’t let them steal your joy. Love y’all!

Dark Brandon says no

Republicans and some chickenshit Democrats wanted to force investment managers to ignore ESG concerns when investing. Joe Biden said no. Yesterday Biden issued the first veto of his presidency, sending that trash back where it belongs. Joe Manchin was very mad about it, which made us like Dark Brandon’s hot veto pen even more.

More: CNN

Florida fight!

Ron DeSantis had a bad day yesterday. LOL. Ron thought he would take a shot at Trump during his morning press conference, telling reporters he didn’t know anything about paying off pornstars. Trumpland was not happy. Trump sent out homophobic warnings about Ron being accused of grooming former students. The Trump kids and Steve Bannon all went on the attack. As much as we hate both these fuckers, this might be fun.

More: NBC

Liar!

So that orange motherfucker promised us an arrest today! We went to bed dreaming of perp walks and standing weird for the mug shot. We should’ve fucking known he was lying goddamnit. This ain’t our first rodeo. Oh well. That gives us another day of watching that sad fuck melt down. And we have to admit we rather enjoy that.

NO LINK

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden on Tuesday will designate two landscapes — Nevada’s Spirit Mountain, an area that is sacred to a dozen Native American tribes, and Castner Range, a former military weapon testing facility in West Texas — as America’s newest national monuments. More: HuffPost

A 72-year-old American imprisoned more than a year in Saudi Arabia over tweets critical of the Saudi crown prince was back with family members in Riyadh on Tuesday, but it wasn’t clear whether the kingdom will drop a travel ban to allow him to return home to Florida. More: HuffPost

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