3.20.24 Why so quiet?

It’s Wednesday. There are 229 days until the general election. Fox don’t want to talk about Mike Pence, Dark Brandon makes nice with Nikki Haley fans and we know what we have to do in Ohio.

Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
March 20, 2024

Be advised: This newsletter uses a lot of profanity. Because there’s a lot of bullshit out there.

Note: Sexy Patriots, we can’t stop laughing. We’re sure you’ve seen by now the dumbass MAGA candidate who was so dumb that he conceded his race yesterday WHILE THE POLLS WERE STILL OPEN LOLOLOL!!!

Just amazing work. Really, bro. Hard to believe you didn’t win. Or that you worked for George Santos. But it got us thinking — what if Trump went ahead and did his usual post-election bullshit right now, months before Election Day. We imagine it looking like this…

Trump Concedes Election Before Pooping Himself and Disappearing Forever

Today former President Donald Trump announced that he was conceding he lost the election — which is still more than six months away — in order to start planning his next coup attempt. While meeting with a bunch of QAnon losers and his dim-witted coked out sons, Trump said he was conceding the race even though he would probably win 172 states and Canada. He promised to join his supporters at the Capitol again to protest the election he just quit, but even those dumbshits weren’t buying it this time. The former president then announced that he had “crapped myself like fucking crazy” before the first ballots were cast and that he was “walking like a cowboy” to try and salvage the pants he was wearing. Trump then apologized to America for being such an asshole before fucking off forever. The apology was not accepted. The pants were not salvaged.

Sigh. Ok maybe that’s just wishful thinking on our part. Gross wishful thinking. But it was a nice thought. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you’re breathing free air today, then you are not Peter Navarro. LOL. Congratulations. More: ABC

Note three: There were a lot of Republican primaries yesterday. And Trump managed to lose about 20 percent in all of them despite not having any opponents. And yeah we know Ron DeSantis dropped out, but it’s still really funny to see him come in third in Florida. What a loser. More: Politico

Note four: Crime is going down. And that’s according to actual statistics and not the pants-pissing dipshit we all know on Facebook. More: NBC

Note five: We knew Republicans could be insanely cruel, but this shit in Nebraska is stunning. When is this sick fuck resigning? More: Politico

Note six: Congratulations to Judge Nicole Berner on her confirmation yesterday. This was a great one to see. And Joe Manchin, who voted against her, can get fucked. More: CNN

Note seven: Good gawd this Supreme Court is fucking evil. They basically just put a bullseye on the backs of every person in Texas who has brown skin. Even for those corrupt a-holes, this is nuts. UPDATE: This horrible law was blocked again last night. What a mess. More: NBC, Politico

Note eight: And of course Trump is hoping that’s just the beginning of their corrupt nuttiness as he begs them for immunity. More: CNN

Note nine: Netanyahu spent the weekend saying the US should stay out of Israel’s domestic politics. Today he’s addressing the Senate GOP. It’s almost like he’s Trump. And we sure as shit don’t mean that in a good way. More: CNN

Note 10: We thought about it, and we’re not going to loan Trump any money either. Mostly because we’re not suckers. But also because, like Trump, we don’t have that kind of money.

Note 11: We are now up to three Republican senators who say they won’t vote for Trump. Why the hell isn’t it more? More: Gazette

Note 12: Apparently there is someone out there who is too crazy to work for Lara Trump’s RNC. Who knew? More: NBC

Note 13: We regret to inform you that Republican judges are super fucking corrupt and somehow getting worse. But you already knew that. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Marjorie Taylor Greene is bragging about federal funds for her district that she voted against. We’re starting to think she’s an evil ass-faced crap monster. More: New Republic

Note 15: We have confirmation. Marjorie Taylor Greene is an evil ass-faced crap monster. This is the terrifying shit that’s coming if they win this November.

Note 16: Republicans are doing another bullshit impeachment hearing today. It will feature a bunch of criminals. We’re not even kidding. And we’re not just talking about the House Republicans. More: Independent

Note 17: Looks like things are going great with House Republicans. It’s oddly comforting to know that they hate each other almost as much as we hate them. More: HuffPost

Note 18: What kind of world do we live in where people are rude to Beyonce?! More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s happy note, we’d like to take a second to applaud the courage of Arizona state Sen. Eva Burch, who announced in a floor speech this week that she will be aborting a nonviable pregnancy. Real people are being hurt by Republican policies and they are speaking up about it. We are grateful. More: Politico

Note 20: And on that gutsy note, let’s go do some news! We hope you’re having a great week. And if you’re not, just remember that you’re not Pete Navarro and you’ll feel way better. Love y’all!

Why so quiet?

Fox News got a huge scoop when Mike Pence announced on their network that he wouldn’t endorse Trump. But they really don’t want to talk about it. In fact, they’re not talking about it at all. Sure seems newsworthy to us that a former vice president won’t endorse the campaign of the former president who tried to kill him and his family. We’ve read a lot of stories about how Fox and Rupert were distancing themselves from Trump after they had to pay three shitloads of cash to Dominion for being dirty lying scum. But we’d say those stories turned out to be false.

More: Media Matters

Ok fine

It’s not easy for us to make nice with Republicans. We still don’t fully trust those guys at the Lincoln Project. But we get why Team Biden is working to win over some of Nikki Haley’s donors. This is gonna be an all-hands-on-deck election, and that will include some dirty hands that helped raise money for the person who wasn’t sure if slavery was the cause of the Civil War. And honestly, Dark Brandon’s fundraising operation has been crushing shit so we are on board with this.

More: CNBC

Moreno? How about Less Eno?

Ok so that didn’t exactly work. Moving on. Trump d-bag and anti-LGBTQ asshat Bernie Moreno won the Ohio Republican primary yesterday, earning the right to lose to Sen. Sherrod Brown. We’re big fans of Brown’s, and we can’t stress enough how crucial this race is for our hopes of keeping the Senate. But also Brown is just a good damn senator and the kind of person who deserves to win re-election. It’s gonna be tough because the Buckeye State has gotten redder than hell these last few years, but we can do this, y’all.

More: Axios

Today’s clips

David McCormick, the leading Republican Senate candidate in Pennsylvania, helped open up China to U.S. investment as an official in the George W. Bush administration. More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden is enlisting his predecessor Barack Obama, and former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to bolster his case to voters that he’s made health care more affordable — and deserves another term in the White House. More: Politico