3.19.24 Have a nice day, Pete

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it has to go to jail today like some piece of shit Trump aide.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the deranged political fever dream we’re all having just keeps going and just keeps getting weirder. But if you look carefully, you will see lots of reasons to be optimistic about the future of this country and even this November’s elections…’

LOLOL!!! No Labels can’t find a candidate! Those assholes are gonna be the first party in history to lose an election without even being on the fucking ballot. These sad fuckers are gonna end up running Kanye. And really it couldn’t happen to a nicer group of corrupt Trump scum. But we already knew how much they suck. What we didn’t expect was the phone call we got from them yesterday. Here’s the transcript…

That felt good. Y’all have a blessed day. Unless you work for No Labels.

Note two: Not only does President Zelensky have to deal with Putin attacking his country, but he also has to meet with ass-kissing two-faced human garbage like Lindsey Graham. We wouldn’t wish that shit on our worst enemies. More: The Hill

Note three: Trump is suing ABC News over the Nancy Mace interview where George Stephanoplous reminded Nancy that she has endorsed a rapist. Trump says he’s just a sexual assaulter and not a rapist. We’re guessing the judge saying Trump is a rapist will really help George’s case here. More: The Hill

Note four: It seems like we have to write this every week — Democrats and Republicans reached a deal to avert a government shutdown. Ugh. Congrats or some shit. More: NBC

Note five: Don’t call it a comeback. He’s been here for years.

Note six: This newsletter has no thoughts on Kate Middleton. We apologize.

Note seven: We are a little miffed at Richard Simmons though. What the hell, dude? More: CNN

Note eight: Trump’s kiss-asses begging actual billionaires to bail him out is pretty fucking hilarious. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Today Joe Biden is doing DC to Reno to Vegas to Phoenix to Dallas to Houston and then back to DC. This is after he has visited Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan and Wisconsin following the State of the Union. Sleepy Joe don’t seem so sleepy. More: White House 

Note 10: NBC News can ask hard questions. They just don’t do it to Putin’s GOP friends.

Note 11: We love college basketball. We love Kentucky basketball. And we love Barack Obama. We just never imagined we’d get them all in one podcast. Yay!!! More: Lexington Herald-Leader

Note 12: Even for Trump, this is pretty fucked up. Orangey says that Jews who vote for Democrats hate Israel and their religion. And everyone should definitely take religious advice from that asshole. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We know you’ll be shocked to hear this but Elon Musk sucks as a human being. Like really really sucks. More: AP

Note 14: We have never had a president as pro-union as Joe Biden. And it’s not really even close. More: Reuters

Note 15: And it seems like the unions have noticed.

Note 16: LOL. Despite kissing a mountain of orange ass, Vivek Ramaswamy will not be Trump’s running mate. Guess he’ll just have to keep being human garbage instead. More: Bloomberg

Note 17: Remember how Republicans built gallows at the Capitol to hang Mike Pence? Seems like a big deal, don’t it? More: CBS

Note 18: We’re gonna talk about Trump’s personal money problems in a minute. But for now please enjoy this story about his campaign money problems. More: CNBC

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and nothing makes us happier than Trump scum getting arrested. This one is particularly funny. More: Politico

Note 20: And on that knee-slapper, let’s go do some news! It sure is great to be back with y’all this week. We hope you’re kicking ass and looking sexy doing it. Love y’all!

LOLOL

From orangey to brokey. Yesterday Trump told a New York court that he can’t post the $464 million bond he owes for being a piece of shit fraud. It turns out that no companies trust him to pay them back. He reached out to more than 30 of them and they all said no. He’s been freaking out on Truth Social about how unfair it is that he might have to sell some assets. As much as we enjoy this, it is a little scary to know that a man who is friends with America’s enemies and still has classified information is super desperate for cash.

More: CNN

Have a nice day, Pete

While we’re laughing and having fun and breathing free air today, be sure to think of Trump aide Peter Navarro, who is off to prison today for defying a subpoena from the Jan. 6 committee. Yeah, ol’ Petey tried real hard to stay out of jail, but Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts said too bad this week, so Pete is headed to the clink today. We sure hope he hates it there.

More: CNN

Stay mad

For a while now, Trump has been embracing the terrorist scum who attacked our Capitol at his behest. We were beginning to wonder if the press gave a shit. But today there are two stories — one from the AP and one from Semafor — that suggest the press might be starting to remember just how fucked up this is. The Biden campaign is planning to talk about this a lot this year. So are we. Because we haven’t stopped being pissed off about it for one goddamn second.

More: AP, Semafor

Today’s clips

In the three years since the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, Isabella DeLuca gained a right-wing following and burnished her résumé with two internships in the offices of GOP members of Congress. More: Politico

There have been renewed calls for Judge Aileen Cannon to be removed from overseeing Donald Trump's classified documents case following her latest ruling. More: Newsweek