3.18.24 Whoa Joe!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And that shit has been building up for a week.

Note: SEXY PATRIOTS!!! We’re back, baby! How the effing hell are you?! It’s so great to be back after a nice little break. We missed y’all like Republicans miss their dignity. All kinds of weird shit happened while we were away, but perhaps the weirdest is that the toughest badass in the Republican Party these days is a gutless ass-kissing wimp named Mike Pence. It’s true!

LOL!!! Congratulations to this wet tissue of a man on becoming the toughest guy in the Republican Party next to Mittens Romney. And all it took was Trump sending an army of dumbshit lunatics to kill Pence and his family. But hey, let’s give credit where it’s due. Trump went after Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz’s families too and they’re still kissing his ass while pissing themselves. Pence at least gave up the kissing his ass part. He probably still pees himself though. Old habits die hard.

We were gonna do one of our fake interviews with a lump of chickenshit that praises Pence for his heroics, but we figured this is a joke that doesn’t need a punchline. Because if Mike Pence is the principled toughness of your party, then your party ain’t got not principled toughness. So congrats to the rest of the GOP on being more pathetic than Mike fucking Pence. Goddamn wimps. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Politico

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Note two: While Trump spent the weekend scaring the living shit out of everyone with a brain, Biden spent the weekend dropping fire at the beltway media’s Gridiron dinner. We have to say that we’re really digging the WH’s strategy for addressing the age stuff. More: AP

Note three: The Ohio Republican Senate primary has gotten weird as hell. Of course these are the same people who elected JD Vance so weird as hell and twice as stupid is par for the course. More: HuffPost

Note four: Some BIG news while we were away as Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer called for new elections in Israel. We don’t always know the right thing to say about this nightmare, but we are always on the side of Netanyahu-needs-to-go. More: Politico

Note five: Dark Brandon is right. It’s pretty fucking obvious.

Note six: Who’s making March Madness brackets? And who you got winning both tournaments?

Note seven: So did you see the news about Fani Willis while we were away? Of course you did. Now that the silly shit is over, can we get back to prosecuting a criminal scumbag? More: CNN

Note eight: Ugh. There’s a delay in the hush money case in New York because of course there is. How does someone with such morons for lawyers do such a great job of staying out of prison? More: AP

Note nine: The VP had a cameo at this weekend’s NAACP Image Awards in a skit with Queen Latifah. She had an important message about voting but we mostly included this item so we could mention how much we love Queen Latifah. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Speaking of the VP, we’re not gonna mention that garbage Washington Post opinion piece saying Harris should step down. Because it was seriously fucking garbage from someone who is wrong about everything. So here instead is a thread about the Vice President taking the lead on the administration’s efforts to bring some justice and some common sense to marijuana laws. And that garbage columnist can kiss our asses.

Note 11: It doesn’t seem possible that American politics can get any stupider. But RFK Jr (and possibly Aaron Rogers) could very easily prove us wrong. More: Forbes

Note 12: This isn’t really a news item, but we spent all last week laughing our fucking asses off about what a joke Katie Britt is. Remember her?

Note 13: We were gonna congratulate Putin on winning one of his bullshit sham “elections” but then we remembered we aren’t Republicans, traitors or wimps. More: Axios

Note 14: What Republicans are doing to Biden judicial nominee Adeel Mangi is nothing short of disgusting. But nothing short of disgusting is kind of their party motto these days. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Just a reminder that the Jan. 6 asshole is the same guy who keeps bragging about overturning Roe and wanting a national abortion ban. Not that you needed one.

Note 16: The New York Times did some journalism! The Times is reporting that Jared Kushner, who is not Hunter Biden, is looking for more foreign deals, this time with Serbia and Albania. It’s all corrupt as hell so don’t expect House Republicans to give a shit. More: NY Times

Note 17: Trump is bringing back Paul Manafort? Jeez what would these assholes look like if they weren’t the law and order party? More: Reuters

Note 18: Someone please tell orangey that immigrants are people. Except Melania. We’re not real sure what the hell she is. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note. So here’s a giant fuck you from the Kennedy family and Joe Biden to RFK Jr. Hope everyone had a happy St. Paddy’s Day!

Note 20: And on that Irish note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all did ok without our daily profanity and outrage. We’re sorry to take a break on you. But we’re back in the saddle and ready to cuss out everyone who sucks worse than Mike Pence. We’re also ready to keep cussing Mike Pence. Love y’all!

Say what?

So just like every other fucking weekend for the last almost decade, Donald Trump spent the lord’s days being a goddamn bonafide nutjob. While a lot of the nazi shit Trump said should get attention, the thing most people were talking about this weekend was Trump’s warning that there will be a “bloodbath” if he loses. The Trump campaign and their friends in the press said he didn’t actually mean violence because he was talking about the auto industry. But we read the remarks and that sounds like bullshit to us. Also, we figure it’s long past time to stop giving the benefit of the doubt to the asshole who attacked our Capitol.

More: Guardian

Whoa Joe!

So one of our favorite stories to share with y’all is about Joe Biden’s fundraising prowess. We fucking hate how much money is in our politics. Period. But as long as this is the way this game is played, then we need to win it. Especially when the other guy has the world’s dictators, Elon Musk and Fox News on his side. So we’re fucking cheering when we see that Biden-Harris raised a whopping $53 million in February. Holy shit! They have $155 million in cash while Trump is spending Republicans’ money on keeping him out of prison. LOL! Thank you to everyone who chipped in.

More: Politico

Important

So while WaPo columnists are calling for Vice President Harris to step down, the vice president is putting in the real work. Last week, Harris visited a Planned Parenthood clinic in Minnesota, becoming the first president or vice president to visit an abortion clinic. Since it’s the most important issue in America right now, it’s a damn good thing to see our vice president continue to draw attention to it since the punditry won’t. Stuff like this is huge. The press should get over themselves and treat it that way.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

The Supreme Court will attempt Monday to resolve a three-way crash involving free-speech rights on huge social media platforms like Facebook, YouTube and X. More: Politico

The Supreme Court on Monday rejected an appeal from a former New Mexico county commissioner who was kicked out of office over his participation in the Jan. 6, 2021, insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. More: HuffPost