3.17.23 A damn big accomplishment for Dark Brandon
Happy Friday! There are 599 days until the presidential election. A damn big accomplishment for Dark Brandon, Hunter Biden sues creepy laptop guy and House Republicans go after a widow.
Be advised: This newsletter ain’t cussed out any politicians in about a week and it’s about to explode in a stank cloud of f-bombs and poop jokes.
Note: And we’re back!!! Holy cow, you super Sexy Patriots, we missed the absolute shit out of you! But don’t worry. We used this time wisely, we promise. Yeah, we spent the whole week with a notebook, some crayons and the desire to come up with the perfect Ron DeSantis nickname. Ok so maybe not that wisely.
But all the political reporters love to talk about how Trump has been testing out potential nicknames for DeSantis, ranging from Meatball Ron to Tiny D. We’ve been using Ron DeShithead or Racist Ronnie, but we figured we could do better. So how about Fartbreath Poopiepenis? Or Puddinfucker Shitbrains? Buttmouth Doodielick? Oh wait. We’ve got it…
How about that racist homophobic piece of shit motherfucker with the weird voice who is never gonna be president? Too long?
DeSantis, on Defense, Shows Signs of Slipping in Polls
— Nate Cohn (@Nate_Cohn)
Mar 17, 2023
Note two: We missed y’all so much. How are your brackets doing? Yeah, ours are busted to hell too. But that’s our fault for thinking a school named Nikki Haley could get out of the first round.
Note three: YouTube just restored Trump’s channel. In their defense, they held out longer than the New York Times. More: CNN
Note four: Speaking of really shitty and corrupt media organizations, Axios is now joining Politico on the TBS boycott list. Why? Well one of their reporters rightly called out DeSantis’s team for disseminating propaganda and Axios fired them for it. Yes, that really happened. So if you read something in Axios, know that it was Republican asshole approved. More: Washington Post
Note five: Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! It’s cool that the president is Irish. It’s also cool that he’s not an orange demon hellbent on destroying American democracy.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day from the Biden-Harris Administration! https://t.co/uQVIOTGTSX
— The White House (@WhiteHouse)
Mar 17, 2023
Note six: Republicans had three goddamn years to come up with the craziest COVID origin story imaginable and not one of those fucking failures came up with a raccoon dog. We knew all along. Specifically it was Alan. Alan the Raccoon Dog. That sonofabitch has been planning this for years. More: NBC
Note seven: Well this ain’t good. Putin and Xi together. Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’re just recording the worst duet in fucking history. More: AP
Note eight: Is it possible we’re actually going to repeal the AUMF that got us into Iraq and a whole lot of shit since then? Guess that means Dark Brandon has ended two wars. More: CNN
Note nine: Meatball Tiny D (we’re just gonna keep playing with these) got some bad news about his war against woke yesterday. Turns out he’s just a fascist. More: CNN
Note 10: Ok this motherfucker REALLY needs a nickname.Something easy to pronounce that he won’t forget…
He even changed his own name! https://t.co/EPE9U2RUik
— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@RonFilipkowski)
Mar 17, 2023
Note 11: Elon Musk is a full-on Jan. 6 truther who has taken up the cause of the QAnon Shaman. Everything is so fucking stupid. Especially the geniuses. More: CNN
Note 12: So this behind-the-scenes of the Georgia grand jury has us salivating at our sexy damn mouths. More: AJC
Note 13: Yesterday Michigan did something amazing. Yesterday Gov. Whitmer signed legislation that expanded civil rights to include LGBTQ+ folks. Michigan went blue, and now it’s doing good things. Elections matter. More: Detroit Free Press
Note 14: The flip-side of that is Kentucky, where the scum of the earth yesterday passed — at the last minute — the cruelest anti-trans bill in the nation. We expect Gov. Andy Beshear to veto this evil bullshit, but his veto will likely be overridden. Remember when Kentucky used to give us Muhammad Ali and Hunter Thompson instead of assholes and hate? More: AP
Note 15: TRIGGER WARNING — a giant asshole is about to appear on your screen… So this is a real video. We didn’t alter it in anyway. And yes, that’s the former president of the United States saying Americans are more of a threat to Americans than Putin is. Seems like the kinda thing that should be big news.
Donald Trump sides with Russia:
"The greatest threat to Western civilization today is not Russia. It's probably more than anything else ourselves." https://t.co/lzfRG6bOaN
— Republican Accountability (@AccountableGOP)
Mar 16, 2023
Note 16: Btw, DeSantis jumped into the Putin primary too. Yeah, Ron wants to be Russian Ron so bad that this week he described Russia’s attack on Ukraine as a “territorial dispute.” More: ABC
Note 17: Big thanks to Vice President Harris for calling that cowardly shit out… More: NBC
Note 18: Have y’all seen the new Ted Lasso yet? It’s so good. And we could use the positivity in our lives.
Note 19: We’ve decided not to vote for Marianne Williamson. Or take her seriously. At all. More: Daily Beast
Note 20: And on that confounding note, let’s go do some news! Thank you for letting us disappear for a few days to recharge the ol’ batteries. Please make sure you’re taking care of yourselves too. If we’ve learned anything these last few years, it’s that the sick fucks we’re up against are relentless. So keep them batteries charged and sexy! Love y’all!
So while the press stays focused on kissing orange ass and the poll numbers of people who will never be president, our actual president is getting big shit done for the American people. Remember last year when Democrats passed a $35 insulin cap and Dark Brandon signed it? Remember earlier this year when Eli Lilly said it would also cap the cost at $35? Well now the last of the “Big Three” insulin manufacturers has said it too will cap the cost at $35. That is a huge and real change for millions of Americans. Thanks, Dark Brandon!
The hunted becomes the…
Hunter Biden is firing back at the creepy laptop repair perv who apparently goes through the personal shit of his customers. Seems like this lawsuit might be a great way to find out what’s real and what’s not. Or we could just rely on Fox to do it. LOL. What this will mean is a lot of discovery for people like Rudy Giuliani and Steve Bannon and Steve Bannon’s Chinese billionaire friend who was just arrested.
More: NBC, Washington Post
Marjorie Taylor Comer
We knew Oversight Chairman Jamie Comer was a desperate sleaze when he went on tv and whined about the late Beau Biden never being indicted. Probably because Beau was serving in Iraq while Jamie was doing lots of shit that wasn’t serving in Iraq. But now this sick fuck is going after Beau’s widow. Yes, it is every bit as deranged as it seems. Especially when you consider that Jamie just closed the investigations into the finances of Trumpland.
Former Vice President Mike Pence on Thursday night doubled down on a widely criticized joke he told about Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg at the white-tie Gridiron Dinner last weekend.
“The Gridiron Dinner is a roast. I had a lot of jokes directed to me, and I directed a lot of jokes to Republicans and Democrats,” Pence told reporters at a Cheshire County GOP event in New Hampshire, according to the Associated Press. More: HuffPost
Former President Donald Trump’s campaign attacked the Manhattan district attorney’s office on Thursday ahead of possible charges linked to his effort to pay hush money to adult film star Stormy Daniels. More: HuffPost
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