3.10.23 Dark Brandon’s jobs rocket keeps rising

Happy Friday. There are 606 days until the presidential election. Dark Brandon’s jobs rocket keeps rising, Republicans want to shoot it down and how to run for president while banning books about the Holocaust.

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Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
March 10, 2023

Be advised: This newsletter needs its mouth washed out with soap but newsletters don’t have mouths. Just little cartoon feet and hands.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we don’t know what to think. We want to believe, but we’ve been hurt before. And the older you get, the harder it is to bounce back from a broken heart. So should we? Should we start to believe? Should we start to believe it’s possible that orange piece of shit who royally fucked up our country is actually getting indicted?!!!!

Oh fuck it! Let’s dare to dream! Let’s channel our inner Ted Lasso and LET’S BELIEVE! Let’s dare to love (the idea of Trump going to prison) again! Let’s let our imaginations run wild about perp walks and a perp stands-weird and Made-in-America Trump Brand Prison Toilet Wine (actually made in Chinese prison toilets). Let’s allow ourselves to entertain the possibility that justice is real and the idea that no one is above the law isn’t total and complete bullshit.

And if it all falls apart again, we’ll still have each other. And cussin’. Sweet, sweet cussin’. Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNBC

Note two: So a programming note — we are taking off most of next week for a team-building retreat. Basically the two of us go off into the woods, we sit in two chairs about a foot apart from each other and we just scream profanity in each others’ faces. It’s awful. We hope you’ll forgive the Spring Break, but TBS needs a recharge. All that said, you can bet your fine asses we will be right back here cussing with you if tangerine taint face gets indicted, and we’ll be in your inboxes next Friday with a round-up of the week.

Note three: This morning, a judge ruled Trump can’t exclude the Access Hollywood tape from the E. Jean Carroll case. So no matter how bad your week has been, it’s still way better than that piece of shit’s. More: Law & Crime

Note four: It sure was nice of CNN to give Glen Youngkin an infomercial last night. Apparently they’re still happy to believe that moderate bullshit. NO FUCKING LINK

Note five: There was one person with courage at the event. And it sure as fuck wasn’t Tapper or Youngkin…

Note six: This Tennessee Lt. Gov. thing is so fucked up and hilarious and typical. This dude is a mess. Also, if you’re a politician named Randy, you really gotta keep it together. More: News Channel 5

Note seven: Gym Jordan is making such a fool of himself that even the mainstream media can’t ignore it. His hearing yesterday with Taibbi was a joke, and he keeps getting shit from the right for not producing anything other than Fox clips. Those dumb motherfuckers don’t realize that Fox clips is all this shit was ever gonna produce. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Sending some TBS love (the good kind; not the cussing kind) to De. Stacey Plaskett for taking on Gym’s bullshit yesterday. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Dominion is not done being Fox’s worst nightmares. They want those redactions gone. So do we. We’re like a week from finding out Fox is just three Hitler Youth in a trench coat. More: NBC

Note 10: Btw, the Murdoch family is not bothered by what the world has found out these last couple weeks at all. They are more than fine to keep lying to us all. More: CNN

Note 11: We almost made today’s opening note an interview with QAnon Sherman. What a fucking idiot.

Note 12: Joe Manchin is thinking about running for president. That will make Trump president. We’re running out of cuss words to describe how much we hate this fucking shitass. NO LINK

Note 13: Nikki Haley’s whole campaign right now is about raising the retirement age. It’s like she’s trying to poll below 1 percent. You can do it, Nikki! More: CNN

Note 14: What the fuck is wrong with these two? Do they not know or care how this sounds?

Note 15: The Labor Department says it’s “irresponsible” for states like Huckabee Sanders’s Arkansas to be loosening child labor laws. Yeah no fucking shit. More: Washington Post

Note 16: Oh look, more allegations against George Santos, who Kevin McCarthy continues to stand by. More: The Hill

Note 17: Good news, everyone. The CEO of Norfolk Southern is “sorry.” Well he can stuff his sorries in a sack! East Palestine needs real help and this country needs real rail safety. And yes that was a Seinfeld reference. More: AP

Note 18: The president laid out his budget yesterday. It includes stuff like this. Kevin McCarthy said the Republican budget is running late.

Note 19: So this is one of our favorite fucked up stories from the week. This Republican senator’s office was trashed on Jan. 6, but he don’t wanna talk about it. Why not, babe? Let’s chat and you can condemn the scum that are your base. More: NBC

Note 20: And on that weird note, let’s go do some news. We hope y’all will forgive us for taking a little break. We promise to come back fresh as fucking daisies. In the meantime, please be good to yourselves and know that we love you.

Joey Jobs

Dark Brandon’s jobs record is rolling. Today’s jobs report tells us the economy added 311,000 jobs last month, which is higher than expected. Also, more than 400,000 people rejoined the labor force looking for work, which is great news. That makes 12.4 million jobs total for Biden. As Simon Rosenberg pointed out this morning, 16 years of Bush, Bush and Trump created a total of 1.9 million jobs. Can’t wait for the Trump appointee at the Fed to fuck this all up.

Job-killers

While the jobs report was coming out, the House Freedom Caucus, one of the dumber of the caucuses, came out with its demands for the debt ceiling and yeah they basically want to kill jobs to help the rich. They want to kill student loan forgiveness, repeal the job-creating planet-saving climate stuff in the IRA and the stuff about the IRS funding and they want to take back any unspent COVID money. So yeah, they’re not serious people.

Florida, man

Ron DeSantis is telling people what everyone already knows — he’s going to run for president. And when he does, we’re gonna make sure the world knows he’s a book-banning piece of shit. We’re finding out this morning that DeSantis has banned books by Jodi Picoult, including “The Storyteller” which is about the granddaughter of a Holocaust survivor. Florida used to be a cool place for Spring Break. Now it’s a hate crime.

Today’s clips

House Republicans have launched in investigation into the alleged mistreatment of Donald Trump supporters who are locked up in the District of Columbia Jail on charges related to the Jan. 6, 2021, riot at the U.S. Capitol. More: HuffPost

Until now, Ukraine's air defenses say they have largely succeeded in destroying a substantial number of the Russian rockets being fired into the country's civilian centers. On Thursday, the Kremlin threw in a new wrinkle. More: NPR

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