2.9.24 Angry Dark Brandon

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. Almost as much as the president probably did when he got back to the residence last night.

Note: Fuuuuuuuuuck.

Do us a favor, Sexy Patriots. Pretty please. Tell us we’re not crazy. Then we’ll do the same for you. Because it’s sure fucking easy to feel like you’re losing your goddamn mind when you watch the goddamn mainstream media take the account of a partisan Trumper and use it to attack the president of the United States who by the way is the greatest jobs president of all time and isn’t a rapist and didn’t attack the fucking US Capitol. Like we said, fuuuuuuuuck.

Goddamnit. Just goddamnit. This shit is infuriating. Look, Joe Biden is 81 years old. It ain’t a secret. He ain’t trying to hide it. That sweet motherfucker is 81. He’ll even show you his birth certificate. But are we seriously making his age a But Her Emails bullshit jamboree while democracy is hanging in the balance? Are y’all seeing this shit too? Or are we just fucking losing it? Because either we’re losing our fucking minds or the White House press has. And we think we’re good. Or at least good-ish.

Anyway, our national news media is straight up broken. Just completely fucking broken. And it might be breaking us. The only way we can even distinguish the Fox News reporter from the rest of those hacks is the Fox News guy is the one Dark Brandon keeps pooping on. Anyway, piss off the media and vote for Joe. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Want some of that sweet sweet cussing in your ears? Well then you should subscribe to This Week’s Big Stuff, a weekly version of this foul-mouthed little newsletter that helps keep this foul-mouthed little newsletter keep cussing. This week Adam and Sam find some Republican losers to laugh at in order to blow off some steam. Join us! More: Patreon

Note three: Merrick Garland is the absolute fucking worst. Yeah, we’re blaming him for siccing Trump appointees on Biden. Who the hell thought that was a good idea? More: CNN

Note four: Yesterday Trump slipped and admitted there was an insurrection and then blamed Nancy Pelosi for it. But sure, tell us more about Biden’s age. More: CNN

Note five: Oops. Better take this asshole’s show from him…

Note six: Lindsey Graham and Kirsten Sinema got in a fight yesterday. It was like watching a fart vs. poop. More: The Hill

Note seven: Rep. Cathay McMorris Rodgers won’t run for re-election. She will be missed. Not by us. But probably by some shithead GOP donors. More: CNN

Note eight: Rand Paul is going to do everything he can to fuck with Ukraine funding. Apparently when he got his ass kicked it broke his brain and made him think he’s Russian. More: CNN

Note nine: Speaking of Rand — and nobody should — he’s really been twisting the knife in ol’ Mitch McConnell. It’s sorta like Sinema and Graham. There are no winners here. More: Courier-Journal

Note 10: It’s a shame our president is so unfit that this keeps happening…

Note 11: That last post was sarcasm. We’re worried we didn’t lay it on thick enough.

Note 12: Remember when Republicans were passing a bunch of hateful anti-trans legislation and people were warning about all the innocent young girls who would be attacked by crazy adults? Well that’s happening. More: HuffPost

Note 13: It won’t surprise you to hear that Tucker Carlson spent two hours kissing Putin’s ass and still got totally owned. What an absolute joke of a human being. More: HuffPost

Note 14: House Republicans are saying Steve Scalise is back next week so we’ll see if they try their impeachment bullshit again. More: Politico

Note 15: Don’t forget the Super Bowl is this Sunday and a young woman is gonna make a bunch of losers cry.

Note 16: Who’s gonna win? KC? SF? Tay Tay?

Note 17: Trump finally won something in Nevada without lying or attempting a coup. More: HuffPost

Note 18: The FCC outlawed AI scam calls. Just in time. More: Axios

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note so here’s a story about how the meanies at Moms for Liberty are totally falling apart. Being hate-filled and awful will only get you so far in life. More: New Republic

Note 20: And on that spiteful note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all have an awesome weekend. And if you’re like us, you’ll need it to calm the fuck down after being super pissed off at our broken news media. Love y’all!

Shocking

We knew the fix was in when Clarence Thomas’s coup-loving ass was the first person to ask a question at the SCOTUS hearing about whether Trump should be on the ballot. That fact that he didn’t recuse really said it all. But we were really surprised how even the liberal justices seems to have problems with what Colorado did. Everyone keeps saying the people should decide. Well we did. And then Trump attacked the fucking Capitol. So SCOTUS is gonna leave his orange ass on the ballot, but they sure as shit shouldn’t.

More: AP

This seems bad

While the press and pundits were falling all over themselves to believe a Trump special counsel’s attacks on Joe Biden, Elise Stefanik was making clear that the next Republican coup will succeed. How the fuck is this not the bigger news?

Angry Dark Brandon

We aren’t the only ones who are pissed off about this special counsel bullshit and the subsequent press meltdown. Biden is fucking furious. And really he should be. Republicans are literally telling people he doesn’t know when his son died. How sick and twisted is that? We thought Biden actually did pretty well last night considering we probably would have walked in the room with an actual goddamn flamethrower.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Arizona lawmakers dodged a possible electoral nightmare this week, with members from both parties coming together to overwhelmingly approve a legislative tweak to the battleground state’s election policies ahead of the 2024 presidential contest. More: NBC