2.9.23 Twitter tried to save a PAB from Chrissy Teigen

2.8.23

It’s Thursday. There are 635 days until the presidential election. Twitter tried to save a PAB from Chrissy Teigen, Ohio is arresting reporters and Dark Brandon hits the road.

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. Because “Majorie Taylor Greene is bat-poo-poo crazy” just doesn’t sound the same.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you today? Sexy and patriotic? We knew it. Us? We’re fucking awesome. But that’s because we want Democrats to win elections, and we’ve been watching House Republicans. What a special group of assholes.

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with these people? Once or twice before, we’ve mentioned Goofus and Gallant from Highlights Magazine. Usually in the context of Adam being Gallant and Sam being Goofus which Sam totally resents but also kinda understands.

But it should be clear by now that Democrats are the real Gallant. Sure we’ve got all kinds of fucked up problems as a party but we are a bunch of Dudley fucking Do-Rights compared to these other folks.

The Goofuses. The dumbfuck crap-eating cousin-fucking Marjorie Taylor goddamn Goofuses. But not Goofus as you might remember him from Highlights magazine. No no. This is a sick and twisted and dark reboot of the beloved childhood cautionary tale. Like you’re not gonna see a guy in Highlights Magazine smoke a bunch of bath salts and then break his own neck seeing if he could get his head up his own ass. But that’s our Goofus. The Republican Party in 2023.

We don’t know if America or Americans will survive these dumb creepy sonsofbitches, but we are determined to point and laugh at them until the bitter end. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re gonna talk about this more in the news section but PUSSY ASS BITCH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Note three: Republicans are going after DC home rule and Hunter Biden again today. We’re sure they’re gonna get to inflation any minute. More: New Republic

Note four: Today is also the start of Gym Jordan’s committee that’s going after the US government. The US government should just molest some wrestlers and then Gym would leave it alone. More: The Hill

Note five: Btw, AOC was on fire yesterday…

Note six: Yesterday twitter broke because a deranged maladjusted billionaire dipshit bought it and broke it. His company also just admitted to trying to fuck over brave Ukrainians. More: CNN

Note seven: Goddamnit. Burt Bacharach died. RIP

Note eight: Republicans are still very angry about a balloon. It might not even be the Chinese Spy Balloon. They might just be angry about balloons in general. More: NO LINK BECAUSE IT’S JUST TOO STUPID

Note nine: The Supreme Court justices discussed a code of conduct but didn’t agree on anything. Probably because the meeting was interrupted by a goat-horned Ginni Thomas who was bearspraying SCOTUS police. More: Washington Post

Note 10: We just don’t remember reading shit like this pre-Trump.

Note 11: Even for Mississippi, this is some fucked up shit. Thank goodness John Roberts and Mitch McConnell told us how much the South has changed. More:

Note 12: Mueller hurt us bad, and it’s made it hard for us to trust again. So we can only be cautiously optimistic when we read that Special Counsel Jack Smith was asking former DHS head Chad Wolf about his department’s insurrectional doings. More: Bloomberg

Note 13: So if you pray, say a prayer for John Fetterman. He spent the night in the hospital last night after feeling lightheaded. Doctors said it didn’t look like a stroke, but they’re doing more tests. More: CNN

Note 14: Thank you to Rep. Robert Garcia for taking steps to introduce a resolution to expel George Santos. It’s gone from embarrassing for Republicans to embarrassing for all of us. And that twisted fuck needs to go. More: Business Insider

Note 15: Ron Klain has left the building. Thanks for a great two years, man!

Note 16: The father of a woman who died of a fentanyl overdose said MTG “crossed the line” while heckling Biden at the SOTU. Remember when reporters pretended to give a shit about civility? More: Independent

Note 17: Florida is a goddamn disaster. It’s worth asking why so many white people in politics saw a huge racist asshole and immediately started to wonder if he could be president. More: Huff Post

Note 18: We’re not proud of how much Nancy Mace scares us. The jokes are fine, but it’s her ability to convince Washington she’s not a fucking lunatic that’s really messing us up. More: Huff Post

Note 19: The death toll in Syria and Turkey is just too horrible to fully comprehend. We’re sending all the love we got. More: Huff Post

Note 20: Now let’s go do some news and then finish off this Thursday. We hope y’all are having a great week. And if you’re watching these hearings, we hope you’re taking a lot of hot showers. We love you, Sexy Patriots!

LOLOL!!!
So yesterday Republicans had their hearing on how twitter was biased against conservatives and it went really really bad for them. While Marge and BoBo were screaming about knowing Twitter’s new manager, Democrats were exposing that it was actually the Trump White House that made tons of requests and demands of twitter to remove tweets Trump didn’t like. INCLUDING ONE WHERE CHRISSY TEIGEN CALLED TRUMP A PUSSY ASS BITCH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! We know Jamie Comer is an idiot, but that was an embarrassing backfire even for that dumbfuck. More: CNN

What the fuck?!
Yesterday while Gov. Mike DeWine was doing a presser about the deadly fallout from a train derailment, NewsNation reporter Evan Lambert was taken to the ground, arrested and held in jail for hours. His crime? Doing a live broadcast while the governor was speaking. We’ve known for a long time that Ohio was trying to become Florida, but this is fucking gross. DeWine says he didn’t know anything about it. Not good enough, asshole. More: CNN

Dark Brandon SOTU Tour ‘23
Fresh off a great SOTU, Biden hit the road. Yesterday he was in Wisconsin smacking the shit out of Ron Johnson for trying to end social security and medicare and today he’ll be in Florida doing the same thing to Rick Scott. People keep underestimating Dark Brandon, and Dark Brandon keeps making those people pay. More: The Guardian

Today’s clips
For the second time in about a week, a New Jersey council member was found shot to death in a car.

Councilman Russell Heller, 51, was in his car in the parking lot of the PSE&G facility in Somerset County when a former worker approached his car and shot him, according to a statement from the Somerset County prosecutor’s office.

Donald Trump failed to spend much of the money he raised over the past two years fighting his 2020 election loss or helping Republicans win two Georgia Senate seats or funding a “red wave” in 2022, but he did manage to put nearly $1 million of his donors’ contributions right back into his own cash registers.

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