2.8.24 Now do Dean

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity because it just doesn’t sound the same to say Republicans are fudging lunatics who are completely full of excrement.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are ya today? Oh well that’s good. Us? Well we’re kinda pissed and we thought we might just go the eff off if that’s cool with y’all.

You see, our friends in the Beltway media (and in many parts of the Democratic Party) are having a really hard time accepting the realities of the current state of the Republican Party. After seven years of orange horseshit, we can no longer pretend or hope that they are just being naive. Still, we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. And some help. Some much-needed goddamn help. So here’s a quick and handy and all-caps pissed off cheat sheet to help them out…

REPUBLICANS WERE NEVER SERIOUS ABOUT FIXING A BROKEN IMMIGRATION SYSTEM BECAUSE THEIR BASE IS RACIST ASSHOLES WHO HATE PEOPLE WITH BROWN SKIN.

PEOPLE WHO SPENT FOUR FUCKING YEARS TRYING TO COVER UP A VIOLENT ATTACK ON THE US CAPITOL DON’T ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY.

PEOPLE WHO KISS THE ASS OF THE ASS WHO KISSES PUTIN’S ASS DON’T ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT UKRAINE OR AMERICA’S ALLIES OR DEMOCRACY OR ANYTHING THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE KISSING ASS AND BEING AWFUL.

THE PEOPLE WHO DRANK AT THE BAR AT TRUMP HOTEL AND LOOKED THE OTHER WAY WHILE THE TRUMPS MADE MONEY WHILE IN THE WHITE HOUSE DON’T ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT CORRUPTION.

THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO FORCE WOMEN TO GIVE BIRTH BUT DON’T WANT TO EXPAND THE CHILD TAX CREDIT AND THE PEOPLE WHO HANG OUT WITH MATT GAETZ DON’T ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT PROTECTING CHILDREN.

Ok, thanks for letting us get that off our chests, SPs. We’ve got a few more but that’s a good start. Now if someone could just print that off and post it in the House and Senate press galleries that would be awesome. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Clarence Thomas hasn’t recused from today’s SCOTUS arguments. It’s almost like he’s a corrupt fraud piece of shit. The court is broken and illegitimate. Period. More: CNN

Note three: Senate Republicans tanked their border bill yesterday and then ran to Fox News to declare we must secure the border. Either they’re full of crap or kissing orange ass causes brain damage. More: AP

Note four: Now we’re just waiting to see if the Putin party is also going to keep blocking Ukraine aid because their Florida daddy wants them to. Oh and btw that’s exactly what they’re gonna do. More: Axios

Note five: These super religious guys sure are soulless monsters.

Note six: It’s been a while since we mentioned what a complete butt-kissing hack Judge Aileen Cannon is. More: Salon

Note seven: Saudi Arabia is threatening to imprison anyone who cooperates with Congress’s look into the merger between the PGA and LIV. So congrats again to those golfers for selling out America and to the Republican Party for being owned by SA. More: Bloomberg

Note eight: You know how because of Joe Biden Medicare is negotiating drug prices with pharmaceutical companies? That’s one of the things Trump wants to change. More: Axios

Note nine: Senate Republicans in Missiouri just blocked abortion exceptions for rape and incest victims. Probably because they’re the party of rape and incest. Sick fucks. More: Missouri Independent

Note 10: We could all use a laugh right now, right? Well there’s always a way to laugh at Doodie Pooliani…

Note 11: We have a poll in the race to replace George Santos. Democrat Tom Suozzi is leading 48-44. Let’s bring this home!!! More: Politico

Note 12: Oh look. Republicans are inspiring more would-be mass murderers. Pretty fucked up thing for the pro-life party to do. More: CNN

Note 13: We’re sending love to the families of the five US Marines who were killed in a helicopter crash traveling from Nevada to California. Maybe we should be thanking these folks for their service instead of attacking the military for being too woke. More: NBC

Note 14: This is really cool. The medals from the France Olympics will have some of the Eiffel Tower in them. Also, you probably shouldn’t stand too close to the Eiffel Tower since its apparently missing some metal. More: NBC Miami

Note 15: Thank you to Sen. Chuck Schumer for remembering Gwen this Black History Month. We were huge fans, and we miss her dearly.

Note 16: Are y’all watching anything good? We were so excited Abbott Elementary returned last night. Also, Griselda and Mr. and Mrs. Smith are both freaking awesome.

Note 17: Florida Republicans are trying to stop Floridians from voting on abortion. Remember when Florida was part of America? Yeah, we barely remember it either. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Yikes. Mitch McConnell and his gang of scum are preparing to spend $83 million in ads against Sen. Sherrod Brown. And fucking love Sherrod Brown! If you can, help the man out. More: Politico

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note so today we’d like to take a second to say thank you to the immigrants who are adding $7 trillion to the US economy. See how easy it is to not be racist dicks? More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that uplifting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome week. And if you’re not, don’t worry because it’s almost over. Love y’all!

Now do Dean

It sure looks like Joe Biden is going to be the Democratic presidential nominee. Ok that was always true, but it’s even more so now that Marianne Williamson has dropped out of the race. Yeah, Marianne was actually doing a pretty good job running in second place behind Biden. Which reminds us that Dan Phillips should drop the fuck out and stop cozying up to Republicans and bashing the president of the United States. We don’t have anything snarky to say about Marianne. Mostly because we made a crystal joke a few years ago and got some really really angry emails. So good luck to her!

More: AP

Yikes

So we haven’t talked about it much but we are fucking terrified some third-party asshole is gonna swing this race to Trump. Whether it’s Jill Stein or Cornell West or Joe Manchin, there is enough polling evidence out there at this point to suggest we are right to be so scared. Yesterday we got a poll out of Wisconsin that shows Trump beating Biden 41-39 with RFK taking 13 percent, Stein taking 4 percent and West taking 2 percent. So yeah, it’s ok to pee yourself a little over this.

More: CBS 58

Kick his ass off

While we were writing this morning, a corrupt and broken SCOTUS was hearing oral arguments in Colorado’s efforts to kick Trump’s insurrectionist ass off the ballot. We know they’re not gonna but maybe this will further expose what a criminal traitor shithead Trump really is. And maybe it will also remind folks that our Supreme Court is utterly broken and corrupt. Or maybe they’ll do the right thing and follow the Constitution and let Colorado kick that orange asshole off the ballot. Yeah, we doubt that last one happens too.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

The man seen tackled by members of the vigilante group Guardian Angels in a viral Fox News clip is not a “migrant” and is from New York City, a New York Police Department spokesperson told the Associated Press. More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden will address House Democrats on Thursday here at their annual policy retreat as a partisan battle rages miles away in the Capitol over border security and aid for Ukraine and Israel — issues that will be critical in the 2024 elections. More: NBC