2.7.24 Bye, Ronna

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity like a bunch of insurrectionist a-holes want us to believe they aren’t insurrectionist a-holes.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Welcome to Hump Day. For most people that means Wednesday. For House Republicans, it probably means something dumb. Because they’re dumb. Like seriously so goddamn dumb.

LOLOL!!! They blew it on both their big gambits yesterday! They couldn’t impeach Mayorkas (thank you, Al Green!) and they blew it on their standalone Israel bill. Yeah, it turns out that the dumbshit dumbfucks are only good at dumbshitting and dumbfuckery. And sure it’s sad that this is how they are, but it’s also hilarious that this is how they are. MAGA Mike Johnson can’t even shit the bed right.

It’s true! That’s not just an expression! You didn’t hear this from us, but we heard that last weekend MAGA Mike was literally trying to poop in his own bed and totally fucked it up. Dumb sonofabitch got it everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling, on the framed picture of Trump he keeps on his nightstand, on his wife, on that son he does that weird porn-sharing stuff with. Everywhere. Yeah, it was a real goddamn mess. It’s still all over the place. His family is basically skating around in a homemade poop rink and the dog ran away because it couldn’t stop throwing up. And yet none of that was as big of a disaster as MAGA Mike’s Tuesday as Speaker of the House.

Bummer, MAGA Mike. Keep shitting yourself, little buddy. You’re bound to hit the bed at some point. Y’all have a blessed day. More: KHOU

Note two: We made ourselves laugh way too hard with that and no we can’t really explain any of it or why someone would intentionally try to shit their own bed. But we can’t explain kissing insurrectionist gameshow host ass either and those deranged assholes do that every dang day.

Note three: We should note that Republicans are forging ahead with their embarrassing bullshit impeachment of Mayorkas again. Maybe next time they’ll have the votes. But the result is already in — they suck.

Note four: Senate Republicans officially gave up yesterday on trying to pass border legislation that they demanded in the first place. If you’re wondering where all the think pieces are about how Mitch McConnell has become a weak and ineffective joke, well, so are we. More: HuffPost

Note five: This is the funniest thing in this newsletter today. Ouch.

Note six: Tucker Carlson and Putin. Yeah, we already knew. More: HuffPost

Note seven: It’s probably not great to have a Jan. 6er working at the State Department. More: NBC

Note eight: We didn’t spend nearly enough time yesterday pointing and laughing at “Citizen Trump.” More: MSNBC

Note nine: You should check out this cool story about Sen. Tammy Baldwin. And then please help her get re-elected. More: NOTUS

Note 10: We’re not sure why Moskowitz calling MAGA Mike “Trump’s No boy” makes us laugh so hard but it does.

Note 11: DOJ is going to criticize Biden over that classified docs shit but not charge him. Probably because it was an accident and he didn’t try to keep them or blab about our intelligence to anyone with the money to join his South Florida orgy club. More: Bloomberg

Note 12: Remember on the day of the New Hampshire primary when there was that scary AI robocall pretending to be Joe Biden and telling people to not vote? Well you’ll be shocked to hear it came from some asshole in Texas. More: NBC Boston

Note 13: So why isn’t Brett Favre going to jail? More: AP

Note 14: We don’t know about y’all but we were glad to see Jennifer Crumbly, the mother of a Michigan school shooter, found guilty on four counts of involuntary manslaughter. Now let’s do the fuckers who made the guns. More: NBC

Note 15: Rep. Dean Phillips finally returned to the US House yesterday to do the job he stopped doing a long time ago. You’ll never guess who was happy to see him.

Note 16: We almost missed that Trump lawyer Jeff Clark had a really shitty day yesterday too. Or should we say soon-to-be-ex-lawyer? More: RawStory

Note 17: We just want to take a minute to congratulate Joe Biden and Kamala Harris on winning the Nevada primary. Big thank you to Sexy Patriot voters like Billie H. who emailed us a picture of her “I voted” sticker and noted that the primary worked better than the Republican caucus “because we’re not dumbfucks like the GQP with caucus.” LOL. Well put, Billie. More: NBC

Note 18: It’s pretty goddamn disgusting and alarming that Republicans praise someone who delights in getting bomb threats called in to schools and children’s hospitals. We might be up against some sick and twisted shitheads. More: NBC

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note so let’s end on this from actor Diedrich Bader, who btw is an awesome Batman voice.

Note 20: And on that hilarious and true note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a wonderful week. And if you’re not, just look at House Republicans and you’ll suddenly feel a lot better. Love y’all!

Yes, he is

Yesterday Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz and some of their super gross colleagues held a press conference to introduce a resolution that would declare Donald Trump is not an insurrectionist. Except he is. And really the fact that these were the assholes defending him should tell us all we need to know. Well that and the violent attack on the US Capitol that we all saw with our own fucking eyes. It is our sincere hope that MAGA Mike will put this on the floor and invite his members to vote in favor of injuring 150 cops. We think that’s the kind of thing America should see.

More: HuffPost

LOLOL!!!

We mentioned in the opening note that House Republicans are a fucking disaster. But they’re such a HUGE fucking disaster that it needed to be in the news section too. So yeah yesterday the dumbest dumbshits on the planet failed to impeach DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas and then a few minutes later failed to pass a standalone aid bill for Israel. Yeah, it turns out that MAGA Mike ain’t much of a Speaker. But you knew that. Republicans are insisting they will come for Mayorkas again when they have the votes. It’s actually fine with us if they want to keep exploring their humiliation kink like this.

More: Axios

LOLOLOLOL!!!!

Yeah we know we used that already but it really fits here too. Ronna Not Romney McDaniel, the butt-kissing buttbrain who changed her name in an effort to appease her orange god, is resigning as chairwoman of the RNC. Yeah it seems that Trump wants someone who will lie even more about election results and the human garbage who helped him through his last coup attempt just ain’t that good at it. Also, the RNC is fucking broke because of all the money they’ve spent losing lawsuits about losing elections. Ronna will now have time to spend kissing her own ass.

More: Vanity Fair

Today’s clips

Former President Donald Trump does not plan to appear at the U.S. Supreme Court as the justices hear arguments on whether he can be removed from state ballots over his role in the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol. More: HuffPost

US Secretary of State Antony Blinken is in Israel Wednesday for meetings with key government officials to press for a “humanitarian pause” as international and domestic US pressure to end the conflict in Gaza continues to mount. More: CNN