2.5.24 Dark Brandon dominates

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. More newsletters should. It feels really fucking good.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Yeah, we know it’s a Monday and that sucks but we’ve got a really special treat for you that will hopefully turn your whole day around. This weekend, Joe Biden talked about what a weird election this is already and by saying that he accidentally summoned more super weirdness from a deranged dumbshit…

LOL. What?! No. No. Just no. So yeah, today we’ve got an interview with the man himself. Ladies and gentlemen and Sexy Patriots, please give a warm TBS welcome to the ghost of Elvis Presley…

TBS: Wow. This is incredible. Welcome!

Elvis’s Ghost: Thank you very much. Love the newsletter.

TBS: Thanks, Elvis’s Ghost! So do you think you look like Donald Trump?

EG: Only once.

TBS: Really? Was it when you did Jailhouse Rock? Or when you groomed Priscilla?

EG: Nope. It was when I died bloated on a toilet in an unholy mess of shit and sequins.

TBS: Yeah, sorry about that. Bummer way to go out.

EG: Thank you. Thank you very much.

We might have pissed some people off with that one. Sorry to our Elvis-loving SPs. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Can we just say fuck Saturday Night Live? In what universe is it funny that a national abortion ban candidate tried to appeal to racist assholes by pretending the Civil War wasn’t about slavery? Why the fuck would they help her clean that awful shit up? If we wanted to watch Nikki Haley pretend to be a moderate, we’d just turn on CNN. More: HuffPost

Note three: Has Dan Phillips dropped out yet? Because he really should. Seriously. He just lost to Marianne Williamson. More: NY Times

Note four: MAGA Mike Johnson is going to hold a vote on a standalone aid package for Israel. He really wants us to know that he and his party work for Putin now. More: CNN

Note five: The Republican Party never stopped attempting a coup. Not for one goddamn second.

Note six: Just in case anyone forgot, the Wall Street Journal is garbage. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Ugh. We lost two giants. RIP Carl Weathers and Wayne Kramer.

Note eight: Tucker Carlson has been in Russia. We’d like to take this moment to encourage him to stay the fuck there. More: Vanity Fair

Note nine: Good news! The Wisconsin Supreme Court is gonna hear the governor’s challenge to the GOP’s insane gerrymanders. It looks like democracy might be returning to the Badger State. More: AP

Note 10: This dirty motherfucker is so in bed with the Chinese government that even his top ass-kisser is pushing back…

Note 11: CNN did an interview with George Santos yesterday. We can’t tell you why or what he said because we respect ourselves too much to watch that silly shit. NO FUCKING LINK

Note 12: Speaking of Santos, the election to replace him is Feb. 13 and the Republican running thinks it’s groovy that SCOTUS overturned Roe. Early voting is already underway. We gonna win this thing? More: NY Daily News

Note 13: Southern California is getting pounded. We should probably take the fact that the planet is dying more seriously. Be safe, Golden State. More: ABC7

Note 14: Joe Biden launched retaliatory strikes last week. As a rule, we hate bombing people. But you don’t get to kill American troops and get away with it. More: USA Today

Note 15: Last week we were talking about a poll that was good for Biden. Maybe we should all remember this post and just ignore that shit so we don’t lose our goddamn minds…

Note 16: The Republican effort to impeach Biden is getting so dumb that even the dumbfucks are embarrassed by it. More: CNN

Note 17: Remember how Trump was supposed to go to trial in March because he attacked the US Capitol because he lost an election? Well that ain’t happening anymore because the fucking DC Circuit Court is taking its sweet fucking time deciding whether or not Trump has total fucking immunity. How is this even a question? Yes, this is infuriating and you are right to be super pissed off. More: NBC

Note 18: It’s actually really really really funny that Trump is talking about firing Ronna Not Romney as head of the RNC. She has kissed so much ass and still gets the bus. More: CNN

Note 19: For our happy note today, we’re looking at last night’s Grammys. Annie Lennox covering Sinead O’Connor, Billy Joel, Jay standing up for Bey and of course this which we don’t mind admitting totally made us tear up…

Note 20: And on that goosebumps note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had an awesome weekend. And if you’re an Elvis fan, we hope you still like us. Love y’all!

Dark Brandon dominates

South Carolina has been good to Joe Biden. That continued this weekend as the president won a whopping 96 percent of the vote in the Democratic primary there. The only people who seem surprised by this are cable news pundits who desperately miss Trump. Even Doug Phillips saw this shit coming. The truth is the news media have decided that their broken bullshit polls matter more than actual voters voting. That’s why they keep getting so much wrong. Congrats to Dark Brandon and VP Harris on a giant win. And seriously, Don Phillips needs to drop out.

More: Politico

Here we go

A corrupt and broken Supreme Court will hear arguments this week about whether insurrectionist asshat Donald Trump should be allowed to remain on the ballot in Colorado (and other states) even though he is an insurrectionist asshat. If this was an actual court and not Mitch McConnell’s wet dream, then it would be a no-brainer that the 14th Amendment counts every bit as much as the Second and Trump’s goose would be cooked. But we all know this ain’t a real court and so yeah we’re expecting them to eventually rule for orangey.

More: HuffPost

Goddamnit

So yesterday Senate negotiators unveiled the long-awaited border security and Ukraine funding bill and House Republicans said no before they even read it. It has everything they want in it but Trump doesn’t want them to pass anything so he can run on racist border bullshit. This is when we could really use a free and independent media to hold these hypocrites feet to the fire but don’t hold your fucking breath.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Bernie Moreno, a Republican businessman running for the US Senate in Ohio, once said there was “no scenario” in which he would support Donald Trump. He’s called Trump a “fake Republican” who stokes “hatred and fear” and suggested that the former president’s popularity is the result of “ignorance in our society.” More: CNN