2.29.24 Losers

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Mitch McConnell sucks — 24/7/365 baby.

Note: Happy Leap Day, Sexy Patriots! On this rare and special day, we wanted to take a second to invite Mitch McConnell to take a flying leap and then go fuck himself while eating shit. In case you didn’t see the news, McConnell announced yesterday he will give up his leadership position in November even though he is planning to finish his term…

He will be missed. Not by us or anyone with a soul but probably by some real sick assholes out there. While we were taking a second to celebrate this news, President Joe Biden put out a statement praising McConnell and pissing us off in the process. Obviously Biden is nicer about this shit than we are, but if we’d written his statement it would have looked something like this…

Good riddance to a truly miserable piece of diseased buttcheek. I’ve known Mitch McConnell since we were both young senators in the 1980s and I’ve watched him rot from the inside out as the devil shat down his mouth and he kept asking for more. It’s hard to describe just how many crimes this evil twisted motherfucker committed against this country. Mitch is the racist scum who denied Barack a Supreme Court confirmation and that alone should be enough for him to burn in hell for eternity. But then you think about the way that fucking turtle enabled and protected Trump and you just want to go down to Kentucky and puke all over the whole fucking state. So fuck off, Mitch. I hate you and America does too.

Ok so that would’ve sounded a little weird coming from Biden, but we sure would have enjoyed it. Oh well. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Want to hear a super cool podcast that features our own Sam Youngman talking about the 2024 election? Well check out An Honorable Profession from our friends at New Deal. It’s a place where hope is alive and well. More: An Honorable Profession, Apple Podcasts, Spotify

Note three: Speaking of hope, the Republican advantage in the House got a little smaller yesterday as non-George Santos Rep. Tom Suozzi was sworn in. We can feel ourselves getting smarter already. More: CNN

Note four: Remember how we told you New York Democrats were gonna draw some congressional maps to help us win back the House? Well they chickened out. Goddamnit. More: CBS

Note five: Democrats tried to protect IVF yesterday. Republicans stopped them.

Note six: Republican Rep. Anna Paulina Luna was a co-sponsor of a bill to protect IVF. She removed her name and said she was added by accident. She’s trash. More: Washington Examiner

Note seven: Yay for Illinois, who just said Trump can’t be on the ballot because he’s an insurrectionist. Of course this will be reversed when a very broken and Supreme Court rules that gameshow host presidents can do whatever they want. More: NBC News

Note eight: Biden and Trump are going to the border today. Not together though. That would be weird. More: NPR

Note nine: They’re rebooting the Naked Gun? This is blasphemy, right?! More: Vulture

Note 10: Biden had his physical yesterday and the doc declared him fit for duty. Now we just need him to be fit to kick some orange ass.

Note 11: Holy shit! Mississippi’s House actually passed Medicaid expansion. About fucking time. If it goes all the way through, this will save a lot of lives. But we have to ask if this makes Mississippi Republicans socialists. More: NPR

Note 12: It seems like a good thing to us that crime rates are dropping. Think about how much less crime there would be if we could actually lock up Trump. More: Reuters

Note 13: The Washington Post said that Kyrsten Sinema cried as Mitch McConnell announced he was stepping down as leader. She’s gonna really lose it when Arizona voters tell her she’s stepping down as their senator. NO LINK

Note 14: Will wonders never cease? Judge Cannon actually did the right thing and ruled against Trump. He must be as shocked as we are. More: CNN

Note 15: This is what this election is going to be about. Let’s remind everyone we know. And also Lindsey Graham sucks.

Note 16: Republicans’ good friend Vlad Putin is threatening to nuke NATO countries. You can see why they think he’s such a cool guy. More: Politico

Note 17: Judge Engoron received an envelope of white powder. And not the Don Jr. kind. It’s almost like violence follows wherever people hold Trump accountable. More: AP

Note 18: RIP to Richard Lewis. What a hilarious dude. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a good note, and today we’d like to end by once again plugging our buddy Rex Chapman’s book. Rex has had quite a ride on this planet, and we think his brutally honest retelling of his love affair with opioids can help some people. So check it out if you’re so inclined and congrats to Rex. More: MSNBC

Note 20: And on that commercial note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the best Leap Day. If you’re doing anything fun or have any cool traditions, let us know. We’re honestly wishing we had planned some kind of nude pagan ritual but we’ll probably just end up watching the new Aquaman instead. Love y’all!

Pay up, orangey!

Looks like a certain fake billionaire ain’t go the money to pay what he owes in New York. Yeah some court filings on Wednesday revealed that Trump was trying to offer up a $100 million bond instead of paying the $454 million (and counting) that he owes. The judge said he would not pause the debt while Trump appeals. Sounds like someone is gonna be making a call to his backers in Saudi Arabia. It also sounds like someone ain’t as rich as they like to pretend. Who knew?

More: AP

Losers

With a government shutdown just days away, House Republicans spent Wednesday behind closed doors asking Hunter Biden about his divorce and his drug addiction. Yes, they are the scummiest people in the world. Republicans are flailing after their top witness was found to be a liar who was peddling Russian intel bullshit. They say their next move is to have Hunter testify publicly, but we doubt they’ve got the stones for it. Maybe these sick fucks should give governing a try instead.

More: ABC

FUCK!

Mitch McConnell might be done, but we’re gonna be stuck with the corrupt court he built for a long goddamn time. And it seems intent on fucking us all. Yesterday SCOTUS announced that it will take up Trump’s bullshit immunity claim and arguments won’t be until April 22. Keep in mind this trial was supposed to start next week. But Trump wanted a delay and his friends on the high court gave him one. Now we have to wonder when they’ll rule, how they’ll rule and if Trump will be crowned a king who can attack the US Capitol whenever he wants. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

More: New Republic

Today’s clips

Israeli troops fired on a crowd of Palestinians waiting for aid in Gaza City on Thursday, witnesses said. More than 100 people were killed, bringing the death toll since the start of the Israel-Hamas war to more than 30,000, according to health officials. More: HuffPost

Congressional leaders struck a government funding deal Wednesday on half a dozen annual spending bills alongside a stopgap that pushes two shutdown deadlines later into March, according to a senior leadership aide. More: Politico