2.28.24 Shutdown countdown

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a major American political party has completely lost its shit.

Note: Uh-oh. Did you hear the horrible news, Sexy Patriots? Our president launched a violent attack on the US Capitol and played golf while 3,500 Americans were dying a day. Oh wait. That was the last fucking guy. This guy’s big crime is that he eats ice cream and wears sunglasses. We wish we were kidding, but the Fox News crew totally fucking melted down yesterday over Biden doing both of those totally normal mundane things.

These people might be fucking idiots. But just to be sure, here’s an interview with an ice cream cone…

TBS: Thanks for joining us, ice cream cone.

ICC: Hey guys! Big fan!

TBS: As are we of you. Maybe too much. So what do you make of all this kerfuffle over the president eating you?

ICC: I think people should get a fucking life. Have these assholes seen the economic numbers? Dude should be able to eat as much of me as he likes.

TBS: Why do you think they’re so unhinged?

ICC: Because instead of eating me, they spend all their time kissing orange ass. It has apparently made them idiots.

TBS: Seems accurate. Any final words for our Sexy Patriots?

ICC: Stay cool.

We do a lot of interviews. That’s the first time we’ve ever devoured our guest the second it was over. Sorry not sorry. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Today should be the end of February, but it ain’t because of all that leap year nonsense. We’re just kidding. We have nothing against leap years. What are y’all doing with your extra day tomorrow?

Note three: Marianne Williamson is unsuspending her very serious presidential campaign. We still don’t think she’s gonna win. More: Independent

Note four: The other day we told y’all about reports that Mitch McConnell is gonna endorse Trump. Now he’s calling for an actual trial for the Mayorkas impeachment bullshit. So just start calling him Mitchy Taylor Greene. More: Politico

Note five: We obviously make a lot of jokes in this newsletter but this shit is serious as a goddamn heart attack and America needs to treat it that way…

Note six: You might think George Santos is the worst congressional candidate of all time. But Santos actually won. So this dude is actually the worst congressional candidate of all time. Congrats, bro. More: Politico

Note seven: Yesterday we shared that Biden said he was hopeful there would be a ceasefire in the Israel-Hamas war by Monday. Sadly, that does not appear to be the case. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Ok this is just objectively hilarious. Things aren’t going to well for Daniel Phillips.

Note nine: Janet Yellen is calling on world leaders to give Russian Central Bank money and assets to Ukraine. Hell to the yeah. Why didn’t this happen like yesterday? More: AP

Note 10: Um, can you invoke the 25th amendment on someone who ain’t president no more? He doesn’t seem too well.

Note 11: Gosh we’re sure shocked to hear that Sarah Huckabee Sanders appears to be a corrupt piece of shit. We thought she was just a regular piece of shit. More: TPM

Note 12: Apparently there is someone named Ryan Binkley who was running for president. He just dropped out and endorsed Trump. More: The Hill

Note 13: We’re glad to see some justice for Jam Master Jay. What a tragic story. More: Guardian

Note 14: It really tells you everything you need to know about the modern Republican Party that they’ve embraced the QAnon Shaman Dumbshit. More: AZ Mirror

Note 15: This is our favorite photo in a long damn time. Her face seems to say We can all smell that you peed yourself, Mike. Go clean yourself up, honey.

Note 16: We don’t always love Jon Stewart, but we do always love dogs and our hearts break for anyone who loses theirs. That shit is so painful. RIP. More: Today

Note 17: Hunter Biden is testifying behind closed doors today. Remember that he wanted to testify in public but the people using Russian assets to smear him wanted to be able to lie about it instead. More: NBC

Note 18: ABC News thinks Trump is racist as hell. But they don’t tell the people who watch ABC News that. More: Semafor

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note and we can’t think of anything happier than a $1 billion donation that is making the Albert Einstein College of Medicine tuition free. Seriously read this story and feel some hope for humanity. More: AP

Note 20: And on that uplifting note, let’s go do some news! If you want some free advice today, ignore the pundits and go eat some ice cream. Ice cream is always right. Pundits rarely are. Love y’all!

IVFuckheads

If you’re a Democrat, there have no doubt been times in your life when you have looked at your own party and screamed “Do something!!!” Well they are. Sen. Tammy Duckworth is not taking this assault on IVF lying down. The senator is planning to ask for unanimous consent on the Senate floor Wednesday for her bill that protects IVF and similar treatments. It only takes one Republican senator to block it, so we can expect that to happen and see these goddamn monsters for exactly who they are beyond the bullshit press releases. The senator has two daughters from IVF. If Republicans had their way, that number would be zero. In the House, Nancy Mace is pushing a nonbinding resolution that says the GOP supports IVF. The key word there is of course non-binding. This shit ain’t going away even though Republicans are going to wish it would. Good on Senate Democrats for stepping up.

More: Politico, HuffPost

Shutdown countdown

We’re beginning to think the Trump cult can’t govern. Actually we’ve known that for a while but we wanted to lay on some sarcasm. Yesterday Joe Biden had the House and Senate Republican leadership to the White House to push Republicans on Ukraine funding and keeping the government open. But lil’ MAGA Mikey walked out of that meeting and talked more about securing the border even though he refused to take up a Senate bill that would do just that. The government will start partially shutting down on Saturday unless the House passes some spending bills or a continuing resolution. Maybe Republicans shouldn’t have just taken a two-week vacation.

More: HuffPost

Michigan

So it’s best to just ignore the punditry on this. But we do want to say that we don’t think anyone — including the White House — should ignore the uncommitted vote. Yes, Biden did way better than Trump. Yes, Trump has problems with the GOP. And the reality is Biden did a huge total vote number after Michigan made it a lot easier to vote. But Biden’s problems with Muslim and young voters over the Israel-Gaza war shouldn’t be ignored. If for no other reason than our fellow Americans who voted for “uncommitted” deserve to have their voices hard and acknowledged. And please also take a moment to laugh at Dean Phillips who came in fourth place behind Biden, nobody and a candidate who had dropped out of the race. Ouch.

More: AP

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Today’s clips

The United Auto Workers Tuesday announced that more than half of the employees at Mercedes-Benz’s Vance plant have signed union cards. More: AL.com

Starbucks said Tuesday it will begin talks with the Workers United union to discuss bargaining agreements and union organizing. More: CNN

The 18-year-old son of far-right Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.) was arrested on Tuesday afternoon following “a recent string of vehicle trespass and property thefts” in Rifle, Colorado, said police. More: HuffPost