2.27.24 Gag him

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Mostly to talk about all the assholes out there.

Note: Guess what day it is, Sexy Patriots. Yes, we know it’s Tuesday, you super sexy wiseasses. But it’s also an Election Day. Yay! We spend so much time fighting like hell for democracy that we thought we’d take a second to celebrate it. So today is Yay Democracy Day here at TBS. How can you get involved? Well we’re glad you asked.

Basically there are three ways to celebrate Yay Democracy Day…

1. Vote in any election in your state or local town where you are registered and eligible to vote.

2. Don’t attack the fucking US Capitol and beat up a bunch of cops if the person you voted for loses.

3. Don’t crap in your hand and smear your shit on the walls of the Capitol if the person you voted for loses.

Pretty easy, right? All you have to do is not act like a total Trump scumbag. And don’t worry if your state isn’t voting today. You can still help us celebrate Yay Democracy Day by adhering to numbers two and three. We spent most of our lives thinking that was some pretty obvious shit but apparently not. So yeah, vote and then don’t attack America like some deranged poop-flinging asshat. Yay Democracy! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had some great responses to our new nicknames for Joe “Good Sex” Biden. Some SP suggestions include — Ridin’ on Biden, the Big Guy and just Let’s Go Brandon. Y’all are so naughty. We love it.

Note three: It won’t be long before the punditry tries to forget this is happening. But we won’t.

Note four: Congratulate the news media on all their both-sides-bullshit dreams come true. Biden and Trump are both heading to the border Thursday. One of them is the president and wants to secure the border. The other one is a racist piece of shit who just likes to demagogue non-white people. We’ll let you figure out which one is which. More: CNN

Note five: Yesterday we were talking about how Gavin Newsom is a great surrogate for Joe Biden. So we shouldn’t have been surprised that a bunch of Trump a-holes decided to try and recall him. Again. Kick their asses, Gavin. More: Politico

Note six: So we don’t know how to put this delicately but did y’all see this fucked up shit in Missouri? The Show-Me State? More like the Show-Me-Taliban-Shitheads State. More: Law & Crime

Note seven: We hate gerrymandering. But as long as it exists, let’s get ours. Well done, New York Democrats. More: HuffPost

Note eight: We never thought we’d say this, but um keep running for president, Nikki Haley!

Note nine: In a party full of ass-kissing chickenshit cowards, Mitch McConnell might be the most asskissing-chickenshit-cowardiest of them all. The NYT reported Monday that the treason tortoise is gonna endorse Trump — the same dude who routinely attacks Mitch and his wife. How pathetic is that?! More: The Hill

Note 10: You won’t be shocked to hear this, but Virginia Lt. Gov. Winsome Sears sucks. It’s a shame that SENATOR Danica Roem has to put up with this shit. More: Blue Virginia

Note 11: Kari Lake is hanging out with QAnon people. Seems like it would be newsier is Kari Lake hung out with some normal people. But that ain’t happening anytime soon. More: AZ Central

Note 12: Oh damn. Former Sen. Heidi Heitkamp either spilled some serious beans yesterday or she’s getting ready to get sued to hell and back. We’ll just leave this link here so we don’t get our hot asses sued too. More: Politico

Note 13: If you’re worried about Joe Biden’s age, we highly recommend you watch Dark Brandon on Seth Meyers last night. Here’s a taste…

Note 14: Welcome to NATO, our Swedish friends. Good job making things worse for yourself, Putin. Fucking asshole. More: CNBC

Note 15: Want to know how much money Trump owes? Well it’s a shitload. If you want more detail than that, this new website has got you. More: HuffPost

Note 16: MAGA Mike Johnson’s shitty weird life is gonna get shittier and weirder this week after Democrat Tom Suozzi gets sworn in to replace George Santos. Hooray! More: NY1

Note 17: Let’s hope one of these first responders asked Don Jr. a very very obvious question about this white powder.

Note 18: The measles outbreak in Florida is getting worse. Maybe this is why you shouldn’t make a total dumbfuck the surgeon general of the state. More: Axios

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, and today’s is about how Hunter Biden is staying sober despite endless Republican attacks on him. Getting sober is one of the hardest things a person can do and we want to send some love and support to the president’s son. Hang in there, Hunter! More: Axios

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a lovely Yay Democracy Day and we can’t wait to see you back here tomorrow for Hey Republicans, Eat Shit Day. Love y’all!

Gag his orange ass

Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg is asking for a limited gag order against Donald Trump in his next trial. Why? Well mostly because of all the death threats and crazy shit that Trump inspires in his army of buttlick lunatics. The DA’s office is already getting inundated with threats from the crazies so this should really be a no-brainer. But we also thought it was a no-brainer to lock this piece of shit up a long time ago so who knows?

More: CNN

Rot

So right after we found out that Republicans’ top source to smear Joe Biden was actually getting all his bullshit from Russian intelligence and had been arrested for lying to the FBI about it, a magistrate judge decided dude didn’t need to stay in jail and was free to flee the country before his trial. Ok so the magistrate didn’t put it quite like that but that is what was probably going to happen. Well on Monday a judge said no that fella has got to say in jail until his trial. Might make it hard for him to help Republicans impeach Biden, but we’re sure those dumb motherfuckers will still try to find a way.

More: AP

If you pray…

Then pray that Joe Biden was right yesterday when he said he hopes to see a ceasefire in Gaza by Monday. It’s no secret that we have been way out of our depth and basically useless when it comes to talking about the Israel-Hamas war, but we sure hope like hell that the president was correct Monday when he told reporters he has “hope” that a ceasefire deal can be reached by next Monday. But we understand if people are as skeptical as they are horrified.

More: Axios

Today’s clips

The Supreme Court grappled with competing views of free speech on social media as it heard nearly four hours of arguments Monday on a pair of state laws that regulate how large tech companies control what content can appear on their sites. More: Politico

Kenneth Chesebro, the right-wing attorney who helped devise the Trump campaign’s fake electors plot in 2020, concealed a secret Twitter account from Michigan prosecutors, hiding dozens of damning posts that undercut his statements to investigators about his role in the election subversion scheme, a CNN KFile investigation has found. More: CNN