2.23.23 Trump returns to the scene of the crime

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. It’s also learning to use simple tools. It’s clearly learning and we’re fucking terrified.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck is it not Friday yet?! You can tell Trump is running for president because the weeks have started to feel like months again. Remember how long a week would last in Trumpland? Like a goddamn year. And then we’d get to the weekend and try to rest and relax and he’d tweet-torture us then too because it wasn’t like he was going to spend time with his fucked up family.

But he is running again. We can’t pretend he’s not. We saw the same stupid shit yesterday in Ohio that we’d tried so hard to forget. The red hats, the McDonald’s, the call for everyone to have a good time even though his dumb ass was in a disaster zone. But isn’t it weird how it doesn’t feel like he’s running? This piece of shit attacked the US Capitol and he’s just rolling into Ohio to order a fucking Big Mac? At what point does our denial become a liability? There’s a giant fart-breathing shit monster attacking our town and we just ain’t interested.

Giant fart-breathing shit monster: Yo, dudes, I’m gonna eat you.

TBS: Fuck off. We’re busy and we don’t have time for your bullshit.

Shit monster: No seriously. I just ate a hospital and shat it out onto a school. And you’re next.

TBS: Nope. Ain’t got time. Fuck you and fuck your whole shit monster family.

Shit monster: Seriously do you not know how dangerous I am?

TBS: Oh we’ve seen you destroy towns before. We know you eat farts. We know how awful you are. We just can’t believe anyone wants to put you in charge again.

Shit monster: Well believe it. ‘Cause I ain’t stopping until you stop me.

TBS: Goddamnit. Mount up, Sexy Patriots.

And scene. So that’s a little of what our internal monologue looks like these days. We gotta fight the shit monster again. But goddamnit we really don’t feel like it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Apologies to Marjorie Taylor Greene whose nickname in high school was Giant Fart-eating Shit Monster.

Note three: Democrats are blasting McCarthy over the Jan. 6 footage. Hopefully our people are ready to go on offense because McCarthy seems like a freaking moron and we’re gonna need more than a strongly worded letter. More: NBC

Note four: So this motherfucker in Arizona needs to go to jail. The attorney general knew that Trump’s claims there were bullshit but he sat on the findings. Lock his ass up! More: HuffPost

Note five: We have got to learn to stop saying nice things about people. They only disappoint us. Earlier this week we were praising Gavin Newsom. And then he showed up yesterday to kiss Elon Musk’s ass. It reminded us of how Gavin stayed neutral when Karen Bass was taking on a rich Republican for LA mayor. Newsom does a lot of good for our party, but it’s safe to say we don’t trust him any farther than we can throw him. But maybe Gavin doesn’t want to run for higher office. More: CNBC

Note six: It’s also pretty fucking gross that Elon keeps moving his “HQ” around and fucking with people’s jobs. Maybe a prominent Democrat shouldn’t show up laughing and being buddy buddy with him as he does it.

Note seven: A national divorce might sound like a good idea because you get two Christmases but imagine how shitty the gifts from Lauren Boebert would be.

Note eight: We need to say something about the one-year anniversary of Russia invading Ukraine — fuck Russia. Fuck Russia today. Fuck Russia yesterday. Fuck Russia tomorrow.

Note nine: We are just wrecked to see this shooting in Florida that killed a reporter and a child. It’s tragic to see the Ron DeSantis plan working. More: MyNews13

Note 10: We had missed this beautiful timing…

Note 11: Are we gonna go see Cocaine Bear? Yes. Yes we are.

Note 12: We have had just about enough of Dick Durbin. He might be the Democratic Party’s greatest coward and we’re sick of his shit. Enough with the blue slips, Dick. More: AP

Note 13: So as anyone with half a brain could predict, Trump’s legal team is blasting the Georgia forewoman’s media tour. Honestly, we are too. Can everyone please just chill the fuck out until we get some indictments? More: AJC

Note 14: There are 16 House Republicans who have never once voted to raise the debt ceiling. This is the dirty secret. No matter what we give them, they won’t have the votes to pass it. So we shouldn’t give them shit. Because they’re gonna need our help. More: Axios

Note 15: This doesn’t have anything to do with politics. We just think it’s a really cool picture.

Note 16: Paul Ryan is sad that some Republicans are “backsliding” on their plans to gut social security and medicare. We appreciate Paul reminding confused political reporters that this is what Republicans have always wanted to do. More: Washington Post

Note 17: Child labor. Child fucking labor. This is what we’re doing in America now?! Is everybody just fine being a fucked up shithole?! They only got fined $1.5 million?! And why the hell isn’t this is a bigger story?! More: NBC

Note 18: Are we gonna beat Dan Kelly in Wisconsin? Hell yeah we are. More: JS Online

Note 19: House Democrats are going to spend $45 million in New York. Good. We need to clean up their messes. But we sure as hell hope not one penny of that money is going to the so-called centrists who keep selling us out. More: USA Today

Note 20: And on that angry note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week. And we hope you see that fart-eating shit monster heading this way. Don’t worry. We’ve stopped him before. We can do it again. Love y’all!

Lock them up

So Jack Smith has subpoenaed Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump to talk about Trump’s attack on the United States. Sources close to Javanka said they didn’t do anything wrong and their shit does not in fact stink. Sources close to the truth say that’s bullshit and they’re liars and this is gonna be fun. We still don’t know what to make of Jack Smith, but he sure seems tougher than Merrick. Also, please never forget that while human garbage was attacking our Capitol, Ivanka tweeted that they were “great patriots.”

More: ABC

Big Macs should solve it

After weakening rail regulations as president, Donald Trump traveled to the scene of one of his crimes yesterday in East Palestine, Ohio. Looks like the cryptkeeper’s petrified poo, Trump handed out red hats, McDonald’s and discontinued bottles of Trump water. It was a joke. It solved nothing. Just a cheap photo-op. The people ate it up. Mayor Pete is there today, but no one cares. Trump is an idiot and this is some easy shit, but maybe we don’t get beat on stuff like this anymore, ok?

More: USA Today

Let’s fucking go

So what’s the upside of watching House Republicans be a bunch of Tucker-brained dumbfucks? The American people are remembering how awesome Dark Brandon is. According to a new NPR poll, Biden’s approval rating is up to 49 percent with registered voters. Fuck yeah!!! And we’re kicking ass in special elections! Let’s make this a blue year, y’all.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

Republican 2024 presidential candidate Nikki Haley said the Confederate flag is “not racist” in a 2010 interview, when she was running for South Carolina governor, that CNN’s “K-File” unearthed on Wednesday. More: HuffPost

The Department of Defense has released a new photo showing an Air Force pilot flying above the suspected Chinese spy balloon that was shot down over United States territory earlier this month. More: NBC

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