2.2.24 Michigan Party

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like the president of the United States does apparently.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The weekend is upon us! Y’all ready to cut loose? Hell yeah! You know who else is cutting loose? Joe Goddamn Motherfucking Biden. Yeah, we’re kinda surprised too.

Cussing Dark Brandon?! We love Cussing Dark Brandon! And we think America does too. Why? Well because Trump is such a giant piece of shit he has all of us cussing like drunken sailors. It is our belief that all across this great land Trump has driven the most even-keeled gentle souls to start dropping f-bombs left and right. Hell, this newsletter never used a cuss word before Trump came along. It’s true that this newsletter didn’t exist before Trump came along but that’s a minor detail.

So we think the Biden campaign should unleash Cussing Dark Brandon even more often. The first time Joe gets on stage and calls Trump a “sick fuck” or a “fucking asshole,” his poll numbers are gonna jump. And when Joe stands on that debate stage and calls Trump a dirty shit-eating motherfucker, that will seal the election as voters all over the nation stand and cheer and nod and quietly say to themselves “fuck yeah, Joe.”

That’s how it looks in our dreams anyway. So Free Potty Mouth Brandon. And let’s save America through swearing. Our fucking democracy depends on it. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Politico

Note two: If you can’t tell, we get giddy about this shit. We even talked about it in this week’s podcast as we broke down Dark Brandon vs. Joe Biden. Join us and help support this profane newsletter which was cussing excessively about Trump before it was cool. More: Patreon

Note three: Good news, everybody! It’s Groundhog Day and that little rat didn’t see its shadow. So Spring will be here before you know it. Anybody else probably gonna watch that movie again tonight? More: NPR

Note four: Trump apparently lost his shit and threw some papers just because his lawyers ordered lunch for E. Jean Carroll’s lawyers. LOL. What a fucking baby. More: CNN

Note five: Are you thirsty? Just drink some of these asshole tears and you’ll be replenished…

Note six: We’re gonna talk about it more in the news section but HOLY FUCKING SHIT did you see the jobs report?!

Note seven: Jack Smith is asking witnesses about two rooms at Mar-a-Lago that the FBI didn’t search. And we will forever have nightmares about the secret room in Trump’s bedroom. Yikes. Bet that’s the sex worker pee room. More: ABC

Note eight: LOL. Republican state senators in Oregon thought they were so smart walking off the job. Now they can’t run for re-election. Idiots. More: NBC

Note nine: We can’t stop laughing about Biden calling Trump a “sick fuck.” We need more stories like this.

Note 10: The people around Trump are scumbag piece of shit criminals. Probably because Trump is a sick fuck.

Note 11: Is anybody surprised that RFK Jr. is being funded by Trumpers? Yeah we’re not either. More: Politico

Note 12: Yesterday the Biden administration confirmed its 175th judge. Yay! Now keep going! More: White House

Note 13: The House Ethics Committee reached out to Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend. We’d say that poor woman has suffered enough. More: CNN

Note 14: Thanks to the Biden White House, Medicare has started negotiating the cost of drugs with pharmaceutical companies. That seems better than letting them gouge the shit out of us. More: CNN

Note 15: This shit must be absolutely killing them to report. Ain’t it delicious?

Note 16: Hootie, from Hootie and the Blowfish, was arrested on drug charges. His cover of Wagon Wheel is an all-timer so let the man go. More: Blast

Note 17: Nikki Haley is pledging to stay in the race for president. Cool with us. More: AP

Note 18: SecDef Lloyd Austin said yesterday he apologized to the president for not telling him about going to the hospital and having cancer. He also apologized to the American people. It was fucked up but we accept his apology. More: CNN

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note so today let’s end by making fun of Dan Phillips. Or Don. Or Dean. Or whatever the fuck it is. Turns out Democratic donors don’t know either so old Doug had to fund his own campaign. LOL. Loser. More: Axios

Note 20: And on that spiteful note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all have an awesome weekend. And if you find yourself cussing Trump, just remember that you’re in good company. Love y’all!

Michigan Party

Yesterday Joe Biden traveled to Michigan to celebrate the UAW endorsing his re-election. In Macomb County, Biden rallied with UAW president Shawn Fain and workers, telling them that thanks to them the United States has the “strongest economy in the whole damn world.” He’s right. And let’s hope that matters to people. Because Biden also encountered some pro-Palestinian protests and that seems to be a real problem for him.

More: Michigan Advance

Even this asshole gets it

House Republicans impeachment of DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas ain’t going nowhere. It might work in the House, but even that is in doubt after Rep. Ken Buck said he is a definite no vote. But even if it does pass the House, it ain’t going to fly in the Senate where even notorious fuckhead Joe Manchin says it’s a stupid thing to do. And y’all know how much Joe Manchin sucks. Maybe Republicans should just actually pass some fucking legislation if they care about the border so damn much.

More: Politico

HOLY SHIT

So we’ve seen some hot jobs reports, but this one will melt your goddamn faces off! The Biden economy continues to be so hot it is glowing with the January report DOUBLING expectations and coming in with 353,000 jobs!!! That makes two solid years of unemployment under 4 percent, and we are now over 5 million more jobs than we had before the pandemic. Joe Biden is the best jobs president of our lifetimes and it ain’t really that close. Also, maybe these experts who keep predicting these numbers so badly aren’t very good at being experts.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

Rep. Mike Collins (R-Ga.) on Thursday sparked anger with his suggestion that murderous tactics that were deployed by the Chilean dictatorship of Augusto Pinochet be used on a reported undocumented migrant. More: HuffPost

Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis has been subpoenaed by House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jim Jordan, an Ohio Republican, to produce documents related to the use and spending of federal funds, according to copy of the subpoena obtained by CNN. More: CNN