2.22.23 Virginia makes (good) history

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it just learned about cuss words and it makes for a shitfucking good time.

Note: Howdy, sexiest of Sexy Patriots! We can never tell if you’re patriotic because you’re sexy or if you’re sexy because you’re patriotic. Regardless, we’re damn glad to know you. Are we buttering you up? Maybe just a tad. Why? Well we’re about to tell you Donald fucking Trump had a good idea and we’re hoping you’ll hear us out before you unsubscribe and start throwing garbage at us.

TBS, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?!!!! Well, we’ll tell ya. Trump’s latest brain diarrhea that he thinks is genius is a requirement that anyone running for president take mental and physical tests. We think the second part is ableist and gross and so we’re gonna stay away from it. But a mental test? For presidential candidates? Yeah, we’re on board with that. We even went ahead and drafted a few questions for the candidates to answer…

1. Is it good or bad to launch a violent attack on the United States Capitol?

2. Should you look directly at a solar eclipse?

3. Should orange people who seem to want to have sex with their own daughter be president?

4. What about non-orange people who want to have sex with their own daughter?

5. Are invisible planes a real thing?

6. Have you ever fathered a Don Jr.?

7. Should you ask Russia for help with your campaign?

8. Is hoping a deadly virus just goes away a good, smart or even basic strategy for stopping a pandemic before it starts?

9. Have you ever tear-gassed anyone to get to a church?

10. And lastly, who won the 2020 presidential election?

Yeah, we’re in, Donnie Boy. And none of that person-woman-man-camera-tv bullshit either, fuckface. So let us know when you’re ready to get started and we’ll get you a crayon. Everyone else may use a pen or pencil. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Independent

Note two: So we got a little ahead of ourselves with the alt Biden speech yesterday. The speech he ended up giving had a lot fewer f-bombs than the one we came up with, but it was still pretty good, Mr. President. Pretty darn good. Thanks for standing up to tyranny instead of kissing its ass. More: HuffPost

Note three: We’ve talked about it already but how impressive and important and powerful was this trip from Dark Brandon? We felt like good America again. A light shining bright and wide for freedom and all that other poetic shit we love.

Note four: Thank you to Dark Brandon and his team at the White House for doing something the media refused to do — take Marjorie’s call for a national divorce seriously. How many Jan. 6es do we have to fucking do before reporters start hearing what these crazy dumbshits are preaching? More: Yahoo

Note five: We’re damn glad that this White House is calling shit like that out. There was a time when we thought we could ignore the asshead idiots. Then the asshead idiots took over. So we can’t ignore them anymore.

Note six: Let’s check in to see how the Michigan Republican Party is bouncing back after getting crushed up and down the ticket a few months ago…

Note seven: So there seems to be some confusion about whether McCarthy actually gave Tucker Shithead (we’re not even trying to be clever just fuck that guy) the Jan. 6 footage. Axios reported it as a done deal, but Politico said not so fast. We somehow don’t believe either of them. NO LINKS

Note eight: The good news is Democrats are responding strongly to this bullshit. There is a caucus meeting today about it, and yesterday House Leader Hakeem Jeffries called it “an egregious security breach.” Damn right. More: CBS

Note nine: The Southern Baptist Convention threw out its second largest church, Saddleback, because it let a woman be a pastor or something. It occurred to us recently that not everyone is affected by time the way we are. Apparently some motherfuckers can go backwards. More: USA Today

Note 10: Wanna see something so awesome it might make you cry like we definitely didn’t for a second? Look who’s back on the court…

Note 11: Btw, we don’t want to alarm y’all — or maybe we do — but that asshat Trump judge could be making abortion pills illegal nationwide any day now. It’s weird how so many people in Washington acted like this issue went away but um they took away basic human rights for millions of Americans and tried to put the government in charge of their bodies and yeah that’s just not the kind of shit we get over. More: Vice

Note 12: The good news is our people haven’t forgotten either. Just this week Gavin Newsom and 19 other Democratic governors came together to form an alliance for abortion rights. More: AP

Note 13: So this judge Kathy Hochul nominated just will not go the eff away. We don’t even understand what this is. Isn’t this shit over?! More: Times Union

Note 14: We’re not the biggest 538 fans, but they’ve discovered that most Americans don’t think House Republicans are focused on the important stuff and who are we to disagree with really really really obvious shit? More: FiveThirtyEight

Note 15: So the New York Times continues to make the news as much as report it (poorly). Yesterday a long list of the names you know from the paper of record wrote a letter to their union lecturing them about what journalism is and how they are journalists and not activists. We call bullshit. Journalism is not a passive endeavor. And anyone who says different is too goddamn dishonest to be a journalist. More: Vanity Fair

Note 16: That newspaper is a mess, y’all. Seems like this would be a great juncture in American history for them to get their shit together. We could sure as hell use some more watchdogs.

Note 17: A bunch of Trump allies are buying up real estate on Capitol Hill. At the next insurrection they’re just gonna beat themselves with the flag. More: Grid

Note 18: LOLOL. The media tried to go along with the Republican lie that they don’t really want to cut social security or medicare and then Mike Pence went on CNBC this morning and fucking said it again! The difference between Democrats and reporters is Democrats actually listen to what the fuck Republicans are threatening. NO LINK

Note 19: Everybody exhale in relief with us. Jon Tester announced this morning he’s running for re-election in Montana. Phew. That’s a big one, and we were really sweating it. Let’s get that dub, Big Jon! More: CNN

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news and then go do this hump day! That sounded dirtier than we meant it to. Love y’all!

We love Tuesday night!

So um, we had us a good Election Night. And to be honest, we dropped the ball on telling y’all about some of these elections. The two we were watching the most — the Wisconsin Supreme Court (more on this in a minute) and the Virginia special congressional elections — went pretty goshdamn well for those of us in the blue jerseys. Big congrats to all the candidates, especially Congresswoman-elect Jennifer McClellan, the first Black woman to be elected to Congress from Virginia. And the soon-to-be congresswoman didn’t just win. She kicked some serious ass.

So um…

You know how in cartoons the guy cartoon will pull at his collar when he’s nervous? Well that’s us as the forewoman for the Georgia grand jury does more and more media interviews. Like we’re happy to hear that it “isn’t rocket science” who they recommended be indicted, but it sure doesn’t seem like we should be finding out about it from the press. Are we alone here? Anybody else freaking out a little? Ok cool. Just us. Sorry about that. Anyway let’s hope that’s how it goes. Because we really need indictments here. That was some truly fucked up shit and it needs to be answered for. Maybe that’s why we’re freaking out.

More: CNN

On Wisconsin

So y’all ready to flip a state? On April 4, Wisconsinites are gonna go to the polls to elect a new state Supreme Court justice. If they elect Janet Protasiewicz, abortion rights and elections are protected. If they elect Dan Kelly, they’ll be electing one of Trump’s election-denying pieces of shit. This is the biggest race in the first half of this year, y’all, and we’ve gotta go all out.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is one signature away from defusing a $1.2 billion tax bomb he himself activated a year ago when he rammed through legislation aimed at punishing the Walt Disney Co. for criticizing his “Don’t say gay” law a month earlier. More: HuffPost

A wave of Republican criticism of the Biden administration’s handling of a train derailment that launched toxic chemicals into the air in East Palestine, Ohio, is set to culminate on Wednesday when former President Donald Trump visits the disaster-stricken village of 4,000.

So far, however, the broadsides have not turned into anything resembling action that could prevent crashes or break the GOP’s arm-in-arm embrace of the railroad industry, which relentlessly and successfully pushed to cut costs and roll back regulations during Trump’s four years in office. More: HuffPost

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