2.21.23 A prominent Republican wants a divorce from America

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a sonofabitch. And it does not appear to be rusty after a three-day weekend.

Note: Sexy Patriots, we’re back and we missed you! How the effing heck are you this fine day? That good huh? Must be why you smell so nice. Us? We are also good if not quite as sweet smelling as thee. But honestly, we are kinda fired up and inspired and just kinda all-around proud after Joe Biden showed up in Ukraine yesterday. Like how badass was that shit?

We really appreciated the dignified and super cool way Biden carried himself in an active war zone, and we continue to be proud he is our commander-in-chief. We did write some remarks for him to use while he was over there. He declined. But we thought we’d share them with you anyway and you can just picture him giving this speech…

President Zelensky. Brave Ukrainians. My fellow Americans and to the citizens of the free world. My name is Dark Brandon and I came here to chew gum and stand tall like a bad motherfucker for freedom. And it looks like I’m all out of gum. To all of you I say thank you, from the freedom-loving people of the United States, for holding the line against evil. For fighting not only for your homeland, but also for your fellow free person. For showing the world what it looks like to put it all on the line to proudly defend your own liberty and that of your nation. To those who would stop us I say go fuck yourself. No, I’m serious. This is not hyperbole, folks. Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em times 10. Fuck Putin, and fuck the trashy treason fuckers back home who are trying to get us all to just give up and roll over. Fuck that. And fuck them. You see that fucking idiot call for a national divorce yesterday while I was in goddamn war zone?! Whose side you think she’s on? Because it ain’t the good ol’ USA. I can promise you that. So Zelensky, thanks for having me. Now if you’ll excuse me, that was a kick ass train ride, and I’m ready to hit the rails on out of here. May god bless you. And may god continue to bless our troops.

Not too shabby, huh? His actual remarks were ok too. Y’all have a great day! More: Washington Post

Note two: Seriously we don’t talk enough about what a bad mofo JB Badass is.

Note three: You’ll be shocked to learn that Republicans are furious Biden made the trip, and Trump spent last night talking about what a great relationship he has with Putin. Yeah, we fucking no, dude. More: Independent

Note four: Remember when we were talking about spy balloons? Nice of Dark Brandon to remind everyone there’s a real goddamn war happening.

Note five: And thanks to Rep. Dean Phillips for summing this up nicely…

Note six: The human garbage at Project Veritas kicked out head garbage person James O’Keefe yesterday because he kept spending all their money on his boat and musicals he wants to produce. He is truly the scum of the earth, and we’re glad to see him get bounced. Remember when he had a woman pretend to be a rape victim so he could clear Roy Moore’s name?! Like how fucked up is that?! More: AP News

Note seven: And here’s that Roy Moore story just in case anyone forgot… More: NPR

Note eight: So we don’t think the George Santos shit is funny anymore. We think he’s a miserable piece of shit who embarrasses our country every fucking second he’s in Congress. Of course we think that about a lot of people.

Note nine: Rep. David Cicilline just announced he’s leaving Congress, so there’s going to be a special election in Rhode Island. Ugh. Quitter. More: CNN

Note 10: This dumb motherfucker…

Note 11: Ron DeSantis did a tour of blue states to talk about being tough on crime. Maybe he should take his cool white boots to the Villages and do something about all the voter fraud there. More: NBC News

Note 12: Putin gave a big speech this morning that sounded a lot like a speech Ted Cruz would give and then he announced that Russia is pausing its cooperation with the New START treaty. We simply refuse to be afraid of that thug. We know everyone wants to worry about nuclear war, but we’re just as worried about living in a world where we have to be afraid of scum like that. So fuck Putin. More: CNN

Note 13: Florida is thinking about a Christian alternative to the SAT. Unless everyone in Florida is getting a job at fucking My Pillow, then this seems like a really stupid idea. More: HuffPost

Note 14: If you’re in the path of this winter storm, bundle up. We were kinda hoping that winter was over, but that fucking groundhog had other ideas.

Note 15: We saw this yesterday and thought it was pretty damn cool…

Note 16: We’ve heard from some of y’all that you’ve dumped twitter and you can’t see those posts. We hear you. We want to be done with that shit too. We’re working on embedding them as images but it might take us a little while to figure it out. But Elon can kiss our asses.

Note 17: The Michigan Republican Party has completely lost its shit. Yes, we know that they’ve lost their shit many times before. Apparently they went out and found more shit to lose. More: AP News

Note 18: Rep. Barbara Lee is announcing her fun for DiFi’s Senate seat today. Good luck to everyone! We’re staying out of it.

Note 19: Don Lemon is going back to work Wednesday. Fuck Don Lemon.

Note 20: And on that cheery note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope y’all had a great P-Day, but we missed you and we’re happy to be back in the saddle. Love y’all!

Election Day

From P-Day to E-Day! Yes people are going to the polls today, and we really fucking love when they do that. In Wisconsin, folks are voting for a critical Supreme Court seat. The only thing on the line is everything. After today, the race there will move to a run-off on April 4, and we’ll be bugging the shit out of y’all about it. Also today is a special election in Virginia in which state Sen. Jennifer McClellan could become the first Black congresswoman from the state. Good luck to all the candidates who don’t suck. More: CNN, CNN

So fucked up

After two years of downplaying an attack on the United States that they helped spark, House Republicans are teaming up with Fox News and Tucker Carlson to help the next insurrectionists do a better job. Yeah, yesterday we found out from some of McCarthy’s bootlicks at Axios that he handed over all the footage from Jan. 6 to Tucker Carlson. So yeah, the House of Representatives basically works for that white supremacist bowtie bitch. The news comes just a few days after court filings made clear that Tucker and his friends knew Trump had lost the election but pushed the lie and the violence that came with it anyway. If you’re expecting the rest of the beltway media to be fired up about this, then you’re going to be disappointed. More: CNN

Fine!

That was our first thought when we saw that Marjorie Taylor Greene was calling for a national divorce. It’s clear she hates America and wants it torn apart. How is it clear? She keeps fucking saying it. But the beltway media is downplaying it because that’s just Marjorie being Marjoerie, right? No. No it’s not right. Do your fucking jobs. If you need help, pretend like she’s in the Squad. More: MSNBC

Today’s clips

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg slammed the railroad industry for opposing safety reforms and shot back at his GOP critics during a conference call with reporters on Monday night to roll out a blitz of new railroad safety proposals. More: HuffPost

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