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Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it thinks every weekend should be a three-day weekend.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we might need to add a Saturday edition. Because all the really awesome news happens on Friday afternoon. Like did you hear the one about that piece of shit fraud who got nailed for $355 million for being a piece of shit fraud? LOLOL!!!

Yeah, it turns out Trump is a total crook and that ain’t allowed so he had himself a really crappy Friday and then proceeded to lose his ever-lovin’ mind in a series of all-caps pants-poopies. And that wasn’t even the craziest thing that twisted fucker did this weekend…

LOL Yikes! While you are enjoying the booing and public humiliation, also make sure to check out the ugliest fucking shoes ever made. Gross! We wouldn’t even wear them on our buttcheeks! Not that we wear other nicer kinds of shoes on our buttcheeks. Anyway, we wanted to find out what others thought so here’s an interview with a pile of dog shit…

TBS: Hi, pile of dog shit.

Pile of Dog Shit: Hey, guys. Big fan.

TBS: Thanks! So what would you do if someone stepped in you wearing those fugly shoes?

PODS: Well, I’d probably cry myself to death with tears of shame and humiliation and hope they were able to wash me off and into a sewer so I could get far away from that cheap hideous garbage and to a more classy place.

TBS: So you don’t think they’re cool?

PODS: I think whoever buys them has me for brains.

Welp, there you have it — even a pile of dog shit doesn’t want to be stepped in by those ugly fucking shoes. Fortunately for Trump, there’s a sucker with dog shit for brains born every minute. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, that orange stable genius was ranked the worst president of all time in a new survey. He even finished behind Mel Brooks in Spaceballs. More: Axios

Note three: Want to see something so scary you’ll pee yourself a little? Read this story about Trump’s second term and his intent to make this a “Christian nationalist” country. Yep, there goes the pee. More: Politico

Note four: You know how House Republicans went on vacation for two weeks without doing shit about Ukraine or funding the government? Well MAGA Mike went down to Mar-a-Lago to get his marching orders for when they come back. Seems pretty bad to us. More: RawStory

Note five: Gosh. It sure is hard to understand Elon Musk’s politics, right NYT?

Note six: SCOTUS is doing shit this week. Yeah, that scares us too. And they seem to be taking their sweet time on Trump’s immunity garbage. But we do like that they let Trump’s lawyers eat shit. More: CNN

Note seven: More and more people are saying that Merrick Garland sucks. We understand where his defenders are coming from, but we’re with the New Republic on this one. More: New Republic

Note eight: We see that Rashida Tlaib wants Michigan Democrats to vote for uncommitted instead of Joe Biden. You should absolutely do that if you want to make Fox News, Donald Trump and the Jan. 6 fuckers happy. More: NBC

Note nine: The New York Times says the resistance is exhausted. Fuck them. We’re just getting warmed up. More: NY Times

Note 10: Good news, everybody! Joe Manchin says he’s not going to run for president but he is going to keep being a corrupt dickhead.

Note 11: Nazis marched in Nashville this weekend. This is the kind of thing Americans used to condemn. Then a whole lot of Americans joined the march. More: WSMV

Note 12: We are so here for Regina King playing Shirley Chisholm. It comes out on March 22, and apparently we will not be canceling Netflix. Even though they keep jacking up their prices like we’re all fucking made of money. More: Variety

Note 13: Rep. Tim Burchett posted a picture of the man he said was one of the shooters in Kansas City. He was wrong. So he apologized, right? Nope. He decided to just be a fucking asshole instead. More: Knox News

Note 14: We never thought we’d say this but we hope Nick Saban runs for the Senate. More: Slate

Note 15: Want to see some REALLY good news? Thank you to everyone who made this happen.

Note 16: Putin just gave Kim Jong Un a car. You know Trump wants in on that shit. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We didn’t really dig Jon Stewart’s return last week, but it’s nice to see him going back to his roots and mocking the shit out of Tucker Carlson. More: HuffPost

Note 18: John Fetterman is describing Joe Biden like he works for TBS. We like it. More: Penn Live

Note 19: For today’s happy closing note, we wanted to show you Dark Brandon’s latest social media post. We love this shit and we think humor and a kick-ass jobs record are the best way to push back on the age stuff. Well that and don’t be a fucking lunatic like Trump.

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We hope you SPs are ready for a short and wonderful week. We also hope you’re ready to show the butt-licks at the New York Times that you don’t even know what exhausted means. Love y’all!

Alabama Taliban

So the Alabama Supreme Court has gone and gotten fucking terrifying. And it’s not like they were a barrel of laughs before. On Friday, the court ruled that frozen unimplanted embryos are human children under the law. Yes, that is a direct threat to IVF treatments and yes this is some truly fucked up shit. This is the kind of scary nightmare that Trump unleashed when his judges overturned Roe, and they are not going to fucking stop unless we stop them.

More: AL.com

Speaking of which

With an uncanny sense of timing, Trump’s people leaked to the New York Times that Trump is going to run on a national abortion ban after he has finished clinching the Republican nomination. Yeah, Trump and his friends in the media are already trying to pitch the 16-week abortion ban as a moderate position, but anyone who’s dumb enough to believe that shit probably thinks frozen unimplanted embryos are children. Get ready, y’all.

More: AP

Hooray

Let’s end on some not so scary news today. Democracy is finally returning to Wisconsin. The gerrymander has been beaten. This weekend, Gov. Tony Evers signed into law new legislative district maps that are much more fair and give Democrats a shot at winning state legislative races this year. This is what Republicans in the state were afraid of. Let’s remind them why this November. Congratulations to everyone who fought for this and made it happen.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Nikki Haley is using the closing days of her South Carolina Republican primary matchup with Donald Trump to hone her argument that she is the lone remaining candidate who can unite Americans, despite the former president’s electoral wins thus far and his popularity in her home state. More: HuffPost

The top Democrat on the House Oversight Committee, Rep. Jamie Raskin, slammed Tony Bobulinski, one of House Republicans' top witnesses in their impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden, in a letter first obtained by ABC News. More: ABC

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