2.17.23 The #FoxFiles

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We say “holy shit” a lot in today’s edition.

Note: Holy shit, Sexy Patriots! What an effing week! We’re so glad it’s over and we get to celebrate our eighth favorite holiday this weekend — Presidents’ Day. WOOHOO!!!! Party time!!!!

Now we know P-Day is a big deal in this country, and we’re not gonna bore you with lectures about not drinking too much or setting cars on fire to celebrate. But we would like to offer a celebration guide for the two Americas…

First, if you are a Democrat, then just be your normal Sexy self. Be kind to others, stand up for the vulnerable and rock your ass off until you’re wearing a lampshade on your head and talking about what a bitch Calvin Coolidge was (looking at you, Pence). Now that sounds like a good damn time.

If you’re a Republican, this party is gonna look a little different. Start off by giving yourself a few quick hard smacks to the face with a hammer. This will leave you dizzy and drooling just like Tucker’s bullshit show is about to come on. Then you’re gonna want to get yourself filmed being racist at some kids or a minority who is just trying to do their job. Finally, after that video goes viral and you’ve gotten fired from your job and kicked out of your house for trying to put the moves on your cousin, post a sobbing video of you holding an AR-15 and telling everyone how you don’t recognize this country anymore because it’s trying to cancel you for being a fucked up freakshow. And after that go fuck yourself. And that’s how a Trumper celebrates Presidents’ Day.

Happy P-Day everyone!

Note two: Are we taking P-Day off to take the express train to lampshade city? You bet your sweet sexy ass we are. So we’ll see y’all back here Tuesday.

Note three: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! We’re gonna talk about it in the news section but holy shit did y’all see all that Fox stuff in the released Dominion depositions? Holy shit!

Note four: One of our favorite parts is when Tucker calls Trump a “demonic force.” Thing is, Tucker thinks that’s a compliment. Like telling someone they’ve got a tiny peen.

Note five: This is a Jamie Raskin appreciation post. There are days when it seems like Rep.Raskin is single handedly fighting Republican bullshit and doing it quite well. That he’s fighting cancer at the same time just blows our minds. So thank you, Congressman Raskin, for being the badass motherfucking brawler that this country needs.

Note six: Holy shit this dude is hot. Seems like he could’ve gotten a sexy exemption to that whole treason thing…

Note seven: Does Michael Jordan turning 60 today make us feel old? Of course not. But we made the font on this thing 4000 and we’re ready for dinner at 11 a.m. More: News Journal Online

Note eight: So yesterday we found out Tesla is having to recall more than 350,000 self-driving murder-machines. Maybe Elon should kiss some more Catturd ass. That should fix it. Seriously who the fuck started calling this asshole a genius? More: Electrek

Note nine: We missed the sexist shit Don Lemon said the other night. Now we’re all caught up. Fuck Don Lemon. More: USA Today

Note 10: This is so disappointing. We always thought Maria Bartiromo was a helluva journalist for someone who clearly drinks everything she finds under the kitchen sink before going on the air.

Note 11: We want to send all the love and gratitude we can find to John and Gisele Fetterman. Yesterday the senator’s office announced that he has checked himself into Walter Reed to treat depression that had gotten worse. This is pretty common for recovering stroke victims. What isn’t common is this kind of courage from politicians. Depression is a real goddamn illness, and it takes real goddamn treatment. There ain’t nothing wrong with getting sick, and there sure as fuck ain’t nothing wrong with asking for help. We’re grateful to have someone this brave on our side, and we wish him and his family the best as they fight this insidious fucker. More: AP News

Note 12: The New York Times made their attacks on trans people even worse yesterday by putting out another statement attacking the signers of the letter for being activists. If you’re still paying for the NYT, then you’re paying to be gaslit by a bunch of Republican assholes. More: Daily Beast

Note 13: Mississippi is back to doing Mississippi shit. If they ever stopped. More: CNN

Note 14: So quick personal story — Last night, Sam went to the Laugh Factory in Hollywood and one of the comedians tried to do a Fox Nation bit about how everyone is woke and he can’t say funny stuff anymore. Nobody has ever bombed harder. They cut his set short and he appeared to be on the verge of tears as he left. We hope he’s still crying.

Note 15: Remember when Nikki Haley announced she was running for president? Yeah, we forgot too.

Note 16: The NBA all-star game is this weekend. We mention that because it’s the 40th anniversary of Marvin Gaye making the national anthem his own.

Note 17: Big props to new Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro who said yesterday he will not sign any execution warrants but he will sign reprieves. It’s nice to be in the party that doesn’t want to do public beheadings. More: NBC

Note 18: We’ve been told over the years we need to quit making so many jokes about Rudy because they’re dated. Now that we know all the Fox assholes are making fun of him too it does sorta take the joy out of it. But we’ll always have how he looked like he was shitting out of his forehead that time.

Note 19: So the Georgia grand jury thing released yesterday and it wasn’t much. All we know is that there was no widespread fraud (duh) and they want some people indicted for perjury. Trump called it total exoneration. Maybe he just doesn’t fucking know what that means. More: Independent

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news and then go do some weekend and then go do some P-day! We love y’all so much, and we’re so glad you joined us this week for some news and some cussin’. Have a great weekend and we’ll see you back here Tuesday.

How many are there?!

So after Santos, there was Anna Paulina Luna, the new member who claimed to be Jewish but is actually a nazi’s granddauther. Well now meet Andy Ogles. He’s totally full of shit too. He ain’t an economist and he ain’t an international sex crimes expert. Although we’re really fucking wondering what he meant by that last thing. How many more of these motherfuckers are there?! And why the hell are we acting like they’re a serious political party?

More: NewsChannel5

HAHAHAHA

So after a year of calling Joe Biden a liar for saying he wanted to sunset social security and medicare, Rick Scott caved today. Yeah, Rick released an amendment to his 12-point plan, a plan that is so bad even Mitch McConnell keeps dunking on it. So what did Rick add? He specifically says he won’t sunset social security, medicare or the US Navy. So um he wants to sunset the Army and the Air Force? What a fucking idiot. Keep talking, Rick! We love ya!

More: NBC

HOLY SHIT!!!

So we’ve alluded to it a few times but holy fucking shit those Fox revelations. Now look, we already fucking knew they are lying assholes who lie to their asshole viewers but goddamn it’s really something seeing how much they hate each other and their viewers. Tucker tried to get a reporter fired for telling the truth. Trump tried to call in to Lou Dobbs’s show while the Jan. 6 attack was happening. They all think Sydney Powell is crazier than a shithouse rat. They’re all just awful awful people. We doubt this will make a dent in their viewership numbers, but maybe NYT and CNN reporters will stop looking at their competitor as the voice of real America.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

A legal group plans to file bar complaints Thursday against four lawyers representing Kari Lake in voter fraud litigation, NBC News has learned. More: NBC

President Joe Biden’s physician on Thursday said the U.S. leader is “a healthy, vigorous, 80-year-old” who remains fit to serve following a physical examination at Walter Reed National Medical Center. More: HuffPost

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