2.16.23 Matt Gaetz gets away with it

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. It used to be a dancing newsletter, but that dream died long ago.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today and how the fuck is it not Friday yet? Sorry if we’re coming in a little hot. We’re flip-flopping on something today and we’re not proud of it. Yeah so yesterday we said we were gonna ignore Nikki Haley’s bullshit joke of a campaign, but then we saw this clip last night and started laughing our asses off and decided it was worth making fun of after all…

LOLOL. Got that? She’s not kicking sideways, she’s kicking forward. For freedom. Always kicking forward for freedom. Has anyone noticed that kicking is like a big part of her announcement tour? It’s weird, right? We actually got an interview with the self-loathing dimwit this morning and she stayed with that theme…

TBS: Hi Nikki. Thanks for joining us even though you suck. If a problem comes along, what would you do?

NH: If a problem comes along, you must kick it.

TBS: Interesting. And before the cream sits out too long?

NH: You must kick it.

TBS: We see. And when something’s going wrong?

NH: You must kick it.

TBS: Well you certainly seem like a moron with a catchy beat. Anything else to add?

NH: Now kick it… Into shape… Shape it up… Get straight… Go forward… Move ahead… Try to detect it… It’s not too late… To kick it… Kick it good.

TBS: You’re totally gonna lose.

Wow. What a weird interview! Maybe we’re nuts, but we don’t think that loon is ever gonna be president. Y’all have a great day!

Note two: Ok so who knew that was from the 1980 Devo classic “Whip It?” Cool. Now we’d like to go back to ignoring Nikki Haley like the rest of America.

Note three: Do you live in Wisconsin? Tomorrow is your last day to register to vote in the primary and that state Supreme Court election is going to be hot!

Note four: Rep. Barbara Lee has announced she’s running to replace DiFi. This is gonna be a super crowded primary and we are staying the hell out of it. May the best Golden Stater win. More: CNN

Note five: Ugh. RIP to Raquel Welch…

Note six: Dark Brandon is still working on lowering drug prices while the Jewish Space Lasers idiot is probably gluing herself to a wall. More: Axios

Note seven: Racist Republicans in Tennessee are still trying to rename John Lewis Way after Trump. TPM has the story on the Nashville City Councilwoman trying to stop them. More: TPM

Note eight: Remember Sister Jean from March Madness? Well she’s about to publish her memoir. Congrats, Sister Jean! More: AP

Note nine: Trump attacked Rick Scott yesterday proving for once and all that literally everyone hates Rick Scott. More: Business Insider

Note 10: Nikki Haley said America isn’t a racist country at the very same time the Buffalo piece of shit monster was being sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Note 11: The head of the Congressional Budget Office is warning that the Federal Reserve is trying to stop economic growth and destroy jobs. No fucking shit. Why did it take this long for someone to say it? More: HuffPost

Note 12: Oh no problem here just a cop feeding information about the Proud Boys to the Proud Boys. Lock them up. Lock them all up and throw away the fucking key. More: HuffPost

Note 13: There was another shooting in El Paso last night. It was right next door to the last shooting in El Paso. We don’t have to fucking live like this. Do we? More: CNN

Note 14: Thank you to the Rev. Al Sharpton and other leaders who protested Ron DeSantis’s racist attacks on education yesterday. Where were the rest of our leaders? More: CNN

Note 15: What a totally normal and not at all scary story about how Bing can be provoked. What?! If Google starts talking shit we’ll fight that motherfucker.

Note 16: Animals are dying after that trainwreck in Ohio. We’re not doctors but that’s really fucking bad. DeWine needs to stop being an idiot and ask for federal help. More: CNN

Note 17: George Santos was apparently interviewed by police in 2017. Um they let him get away. More: CBS

Note 18: Mike Pence says he’s going to fight the subpoena. But if the subpoena tries to kill him and his family he’ll spend the rest of his life kissing its ass. More: CNN

Note 19: While we were writing this morning THE GEORGIA REPORT dropped. Or at least the excerpts did. Let’s hope it’s making a certain shithead throw some ketchup at the walls down in South Florida.

Note 20: And on that cliffhanger note, let’s go do the news! We love y’all, and we hope you’re having an awesome week. And if you see Nikki Haley, try to not get kicked.

Soft on crime

We’ve made this joke before but maybe we really are soft on crime if we let the Venmo Bandit get away. Yeah yesterday chickenshit Merrick Garland and DOJ decided to give Matt Gaetz a pass on sex trafficking a minor. Gaetz was already bragging last night about how he got advice from Gym Jordan and now they both sit on the “weaponization” committee. Good work, Merrick.

More: CNN

Fuck the NYT

So yesterday about 200 New York Times contributors wrote a letter to the paper of record asking them to knock off their Tucker Carlson style reporting about trans people. The NYT responded by having a flack tell everyone to fuck off. Then those sick asshats published a piece today from right-winger Pamela Paul called “In Defense of J.K. Rowling.” Well thank goodness that big tough paper is standing up for billionaires instead of our most vulnerable. What a bunch of goddamn heroes.

NO FUCKING LINK

The voice of the people?

Mr. Normal Regular Guy Elon Musk is really in all of this for humanity, remember? So you just have to look the other way when his dorky ass fires about 30 workers at the Buffalo Tesla plant because they wanted to unionize just like every other car company. It really should concern us all more than this extremist has declared war on so many Americans. But hey, at least he’s owning the libs right?

More: Buffalo News

Today’s clips

China’s ceremonial parliament has accused American lawmakers of trampling on the sovereignty of other nations after the U.S. passed a measure condemning a suspected Chinese spy balloon’s intrusion into U.S. airspace. More: HuffPost

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