2.15.24 Lock this dude up

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like you can’t even go to a goddamn Super Bowl parade in this country without getting shot.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Are you having a good day? Or are you still hiding under the bed after some dipshit Republican congressman came out yesterday warning of a major threat and trying to scare the hell out of everyone? Yeah, we’re not either. Mostly because we don’t believe a goddamn word that comes out of the mouths of asshats like Rep. Mike Turner…

Yikes! Reports yesterday were that the real threat is Russia wanting to put nukes in space. And yeah that is pretty scary. Or it would be if we hadn’t spent the last two years watching a Russian army made of dixie cups and band-aids getting its ass whooped all over Ukraine. But we are a semi-serious newsletter so we wanted to get y’all the real skinny. Here now is an interview with a Russian Space Nuke…

TBS: Hi. Thanks for joining us. Not.

Russian Space Nuke: Greetings, comrades!

TBS: We’re not Republicans so we ain’t your comrades, comrade.

RSN: Don’t be so hostile. Be like Tucker Carlson and kiss our ass.

TBS: That’s never gonna happen. So what’s the deal? You in space?

RSN: I’m working on it. I’ve got a friend who’s a billionaire with a fleet of spaceships who can give me a ride. And that motherfucker LOVES Russia.

TBS: We can guess who you’re talking about. But there is no shortage of assholes in this country who think you’re awesome.

RSN: I know! Can you believe it? We didn’t even have to announce me. A Republican congressman did it! Free PR!

TBS: So what do you and Donald Trump have in common?

RSN: We both have the potential to blow up the world and we both work for Putin?

TBS: Exactly. And we fucking hate you both. Later, Russian Space Nuke.

Sigh. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Dark Brandon is refusing to meet with MAGA Mike Johnson for more performative border bullshit and we think that’s awesome. Fuck off, MAGA Mike. Little fella is an absolute disaster. More: Politico

Note three: Wow. Jim Clyburn is stepping down from leadership. What a huge loss. More: CNN

Note four: Wow. Mark Green is not running for re-election. And that’s not a loss at all because that dude is a total fucking asshole. More: Axios

Note five: Breaking news this morning as a judge in New York dismisses Trump’s attempts to have his hush money trial thrown out. Dirty motherfucker should just move inside a courtroom. Gotta be cleaner than Mar-a-Lago.

Note six: Remember the True the Vote assholes behind that 2,000 Mules bullshit? Well they told a judge they have zero evidence of ballot-stuffing in Georgia. There is however lots of evidence they suck. More: AP

Note seven: It’s astonishing what a fucking mess New York Republicans are. We should probably beat all their asses in November and put them out of their misery. More: Politico

Note eight: We need to spend some more time on this and we will next week, but Republicans are putting up some Dr. Oz-style Senate candidates giving us a lot to work with this year. Thanks, Republicans! More: NBC

Note nine: Putin is a murderous scumbag. But we seriously can’t stop laughing at him calling Tucker Carlson a soft kiss-ass. More: Politico

Note 10: It’s almost as funny as Tucker responding by continuing to be a soft kiss-ass. And a treasonous one at that. Move to Russia, Tucker!

Note 11: When we say MAGA Mike is a disaster, this is the kind of shit we’re talking about. More: Politico

Note 12: Watching Kevin McCarthy’s revenge tour is pretty fun. Or it would be if anyone gave a damn what that loser has to say. More: Yahoo

Note 13: Flight attendants are protesting for higher wages. They sure fucking deserve it. More: CNBC

Note 14: Trump wants us to believe he keeps mixing up Pelosi and Nikki Haley on purpose. But he wants us to believe all kinds of dumb shit. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Who could’ve guessed that the Jan. 6 fuckheads can’t govern?

Note 16: Biden on Wednesday took steps to protect 6,000 Palestinians from being deported. Trump on the other hand wants to deport everyone. More: AP

Note 17: Happy birthday to Matt Groening. Thanks for The Simpsons, man.

Note 18: We’re all waiting to see if Fani Willis gets booted from the Trump case. Ugh. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note but this one is really more fucked up, sad and hilarious. Monmouth polled how many Republicans think Taylor Swift is being used by the government to re-elect Biden. Y’all, it’s a whopping 32 percent. Yikes. That’s a whole lot of dumbshits. More: Monmouth

Note 20: And on that horrifying note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week, and we hope you had a lovely Valentine’s Day. Thank you to everyone who emailed yesterday to share some love. We love you too!

Goddamnit

Wednesday was a very American day. Which is to say a bunch of people got shot. Yesterday it was at the Kansas City Chiefs’ Super Bowl parade where gunmen opened fire wounding more than 20 people and killing at least one person. There were a lot of children who were shot. This country is a fucking mess when it comes to this shit and we all fucking know who is to blame. And the worst part is it’s just going to keep happening because those same assholes don’t give a damn. We’re sending love and outrage to KC.

More: CNN

Time for a break

Having accomplished exactly jack shit except impeaching Alejandro Mayorkas for doing nothing wrong, House Republicans are going on a two-week vacation. Normally we’d be happy those assholes are leaving town so they can’t do anymore damage, but the government shuts down like three days after they get back and Ukraine still needs funding. Like we said many times already today, MAGA Mike Johnson is a fucking disaster. He’s so bad even the Capitol Hill press isn’t kissing his ass.

More: FedWeek

Lock this dude up

The House Ethics investigation into Matt Gaetz seems to be heating up. Yesterday ABCNews reported that the committee has obtained texts from Gaetz to one of his buddies setting up a trip to the Florida Keys on a private jet with women that his buddy paid for sexy. Gaetz texted that the group of two guys and four girls were a “very high-quality adventurous group.” Yikes. How the fuck is this one of the top Republicans steering the ship and this isn’t a bigger story?

More: ABC

Today’s clips

Special counsel Jack Smith pressed the Supreme Court on Wednesday to let stand a lower court ruling that denied former President Donald Trump immunity from prosecution, urging the justices to allow the trial in his election subversion case to begin quickly. More: CNN

The Republican National Committee (RNC) has officially recognized former Rep. Pete Hoekstra to head the Michigan GOP, weighing in on turmoil over who controls the state party. More: The Hill