2.14.24 A dang good night for the blue team

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like OH SHIT SHIT SHIT IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY DOES ANYONE HAVE A CARD OR SOME FUCKING FLOWERS WE CAN BUY?!

Note: We’re keeping it simple today, Sexy Patriots. We want you to be our Valentines because you are so Sexy and Patriotic. So we wrote you some poems and they’re sprinkled throughout today’s notes. But first, it’s pep talk time. Huddle up, SPs.

Guess what just happened. That’s right. We fucking won again. Yeah, the Pennsylvania House stayed Democratic-controlled and Democrat Tom Suozzi won big in that ol’ George Santos seat. The red wave strikes again, right? Well fuck that red wave. The reality is we are winning just about everywhere there is a political contest for two simple reasons — we get shit done and we’re not in a lunatic ass-kissing crap-for-brains cult. Oh and we’re decent goddamn people.

LOL. Yeah, no shit. Crazy how that works. When Republicans act like total fuckheads, voters take notice. It’s the press and the pundits and the pollsters who always seem surprised. So a big thank you to everyone who voted in Pennsylvania and New York. Let’s keep it going. We don’t need to panic or freak out all year (we’re gonna anyway). We just need to work our fucking asses off like American democracy and basic human rights depend on it. Because they do. So let’s keep kicking ass. And thanks for being our Sexy Patriot Valentines. Hugs and kisses and f-bombs. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, if there’s an election you’d like us to talk more about, shoot us a note. We’ve been total shit about returning emails lately, but we do read them all.

Note three:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Fuck House Republicans

And Donald Trump too

Note four: You know the difference between this fucking creep and Hunter Biden? Well for one, Hunter Biden never worked in the White House. But please tell us more about corruption. More: Axios

Note five: This can’t still be an accident, can it?

Note six: Congratulations to Michigan where Right to Work repeal just went into effect. Another win for workers. More: WoodTV

Note seven: This is so icky. Trump is using his gross bullshit marriage to raise money today. She’s a lucky woman, ain’t she? More: Mediaite

Note eight: It really should have been a bigger story that neo-nazis protested outside Gov. Maura Healey’s home. We just accept this shit as normal now? More: Rolling Stone

Note nine: The guy who invented Pop Tarts died. We’re taking this pretty hard. He kept us alive for years. More: WZZM13

Note 10: We’ve seen some weird and fucked up stories, but um…

Note 11: This is a really cool story about VP Harris performing some of the first same-sex marriages. Get ready to have your heart melted. More: SF Chronicle

Note 12: It’s a Valentine’s Day miracle! A mainstream news story where voters say they don’t give a shit about Biden’s age! More: CBS

Note 13: You won’t believe this but RFK Jr’s campaign is a mess. Yeah, we were not shocked either. More: Mediaite

Note 14: Hallelujah we might actually get some fair fucking maps in Wisconsin. Let’s go!!! More: Politico

Note 15: LOL. Orange you glad your money doesn’t go to paying a shithead’s legal bills?

Note 16:

Roses are red

Congrats to those who have dates

And those who don’t

Should stay the fuck away from Matt Gaetz

Note 17: Y’all it looks like we might get a verdict in Trump’s fraud case this Friday. Get the ketchup ready, orangey. More: NBC

Note 18: We’re not crass enough to celebrate when someone gets laid off unless that person is orange and Donald Trump. But we have to say we won’t miss CBS’s former Fox reporter Catherine Herridge, who carried water for Sydney Powell, Mike Flynn and everyone who hates Hunter Biden. More: Deadline

Note 19:

Roses are red

Violets are blupid

The thing that’s killing America

Is all the fucking stupid

Note 20: And on that poetic note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all have a lovely V-day, and we’re so grateful to y’all for being our Valentines every dang day of the year. Y’all are the fucking best.

More like ass-peachment

Sorry. We couldn’t think of anything more clever. We’re way too pissed off. After failing last week like the miserable assheads they are, House Republicans finally impeached DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas yesterday. It passed by one vote and we had two members out, one with covid. Yeah, fuck. Trump called in to congratulate the House Rs in case you were wondering who was behind this. And we know you weren’t. So yeah, the Senate is out until the end of the month and now has to do an impeachment trial and find a way to fund the government. All this dumbfuckery is sure great for helping us win elections, but it’s a shit way to run a country.

More: Axios

Git ‘em

After the Senate passed a foreign aid package for Ukraine, Israel and Taiwan, House Speaker MAGA Mike Johnson said he won’t bring it up for a vote in the House, again spouting some gibberish about securing the border. Democrats want to force a discharge petition but that ain’t easy to do. Yes this is extremely fucked up. In a normal world, the election results in New York last night would give Republicans pause about walking the immigration plank for Trump and Stephen Miller, but we waved bye-bye to normal a long goddamn time ago. Anyway, Dark Brandon was fucking livid and went on television yesterday to call out Trump and the GOP for being Putin’s pets and for being “dumb.” He said other stuff too but dumb was our favorite part.

More: AP

Hell yeah

So we’ve mentioned it a million times already today but Democrats had a great night last night. Big wins in the Pennsylvania House and in the New York special election to replace George Santos. It’s not like we feel like we can relax. But we do feel like we can ignore shitty polls and shittier pundits a little more. Let’s let the other party sweat for a little bit. And please take a moment to laugh at Trump’s very angry response as he attacked the Republican candidate as a “foolish woman” and talked about how he needs to be loved. Seriously what a fucking psycho.

More: ABC, NBC

Today’s clips

Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin was released from Walter Reed National Military Medical Center Tuesday, ending a brief admission that began on Sunday. More: Politico

U.S. Border Patrol agents across ranks and regions routinely referred to unauthorized migrants using the derogatory slur “tonk,” according to emails and text messages disclosed to HuffPost under the Freedom of Information Act. More: HuffPost