2.13.24 Putin’s puppets

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. You probably will too after you read it.

Note: LOLOL. Hi, Sexy Patriots. Why are we laughing? Well, we’re just gonna warn you that we might have gone too far today. If so, please send us a nasty profane email instead of canceling your subscription or putting flaming bags of dog shit on our porch. What made us push the boundaries of good taste today? This little leftover nugget from Super Sunday…

Jeez what an asshole. So yeah, shall we make things worse? Ok cool. Here’s an interview with the ghost of JFK…

TBS: Welcome to the newsletter, Mr. President!

JFK’s ghost: Thanks, er, for having me, fellas. Big fan.

TBS: That’s so kind, sir. So what do you think of your nephew’s ad?

JFK’s ghost: I think it fucked up a really good football game. What a chowdahead.

TBS: Yeah, he kinda sucks, doesn’t he?

JFK’s ghost: Oh he’s a, er, miserable little freak who should’ve changed his last name a long time ago. To either Smith, Williams or fucking moron.

TBS: We like that last one. So are you not a fan of his anti-vaxx views?

JFK’s ghost: Are you, er, joking? I’d tell him to eat shit but he probably thinks that’s medicine.

TBS: You’re on a roll, sir. So you’re not going to endorse him?

JFK’s ghost: I’ll endorse him kissing my ass.

TBS: Sounds good to us. Thanks for your time!

Yikes. Oh well. Come to think of it we’ve done way worse shit in this newsletter than that. But we still hope you’ll forgive us. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Holy shit! More than 120 million people watched the Super Bowl. That’s the largest tv audience since the goddamn moon landing, which makes sense since they were both rigged by Joe Biden and Taylor Swift. More: CNN

Note three: The Dow closed at another all-time high yesterday. That was also rigged by Joe Biden. More: Yahoo Finance

Note four: While we’re talking Dark Brandon, did you know he has forgiven $136 billion in student loans even though a corrupt and broken SCOTUS tried to stop him? Someone tell the folks on the far left who don’t seem to know this. More: CNBC

Note five: As Democrats, we whole-heartedly endorse the idea of Lara Trump as RNC co-chair. LOL. And please put Don Jr.’s dumb ass in charge of something too.

Note six: Trump asked SCOTUS to give him total immunity. Instead of laughing that shit off, the court has asked Jack Smith to file a response by 2/20. Fuck. More: CNN

Note seven: We’re happy Jon Stewart is back but we forgot how much we hate his both-sides bullshit. Ugh.

Note eight: It’s a busy week for Trump’s four criminal cases. Seems like that alone is bigger news that Biden’s memory. More: Politico

Note nine: Snow is falling. Y’all be safe out there. More: CNN

Note 10: We will seriously help this motherfucker pack if he wants to move to Moscow.

Note 11: Vice President Harris has been phenomenal in pushing back against that special counsel bullshit. Biden is lucky to have her on the ticket. More: AP

Note 12: We don’t know what’s going on with Trump’s Georgia case, but we know it ain’t good. More: HuffPost

Note 13: They’re going after gay marriage in Tennessee. Everyone pretend to be shocked. Fucking assholes. More: HuffPost

Note 14: House Republicans are going to try again to impeach Alejandro Mayorkas. At this point though it’s obvious to everyone what a fucking joke this is. Or at least it should be. More: NBC

Note 15: We like this approach.

Note 16: We forgot to mention it yesterday but we thought the Ben Affleck Dunkin’ commercial was the funniest one Sunday.

Note 17: We’ve really been enjoying watching former Speaker Pelosi take Trump to the woodshed. She seems to enjoy it too. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We like to end on a happy note and today we’re ending on two happy notes. The first is that inflation is down. Thanks, Dark Brandon. More: USA Today

Note 19: And the second is that today is the anniversary of this magic…

Note 20: And on that goosebumps note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to an awesome start. We also hope you’re staying warm out there. Unless you’re an RFK supporter. Then we really don’t give a shit. Love y’all!

LOL Yay!

So we really need to win some Senate seats this year and we need to say thank you to Republicans for putting up such unelectable shithead candidates to help us do that. That strategy got even stronger Tuesday morning when Sen. Steve Daines, chairman of the NRSC, endorsed Kari Lake for Senate in Arizona. LOL. You remember Kari? She’s not the governor of Arizona even though she thinks she is. Truth be told, we thought she moved to Mar-a-Lago. Anyway, she’s gonna lose again and it’s gonna be awesome.

More: Politico

Putin’s puppets

This morning, the Senate finally overcame a filibuster by Senate Republicans to pass aid for Ukraine, Israel and Taiwan. Senate Republicans like Rand Paul, JD Vance, Mike Lee and Lindsey Graham all fought hard to stop it, but Schumer got the votes. Sadly, it might not matter as House Speaker MAGA Mike Johnson is saying he won’t let it get a vote. If he did, it would pass. And Trump can’t have that so he’s again getting his little no boy to say no. And yes, this is all extremely fucked up.

More: CNN

Let’s do this

America really needs to get out the stain that is George Santos. And one way we can do that is by electing a Democrat to that seat today. Yeah, voters in New York are deciding between Tom Suozzi and some Republican. Let’s hope we did what we needed to do to win this thing. Let’s also hope snow keeps some people home who might vote for more Trump-Santos bullshit. We got this!

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Estonia’s prime minister has been put on a wanted list in Russia because of her efforts to remove Soviet-era World War II monuments in the Baltic nation, officials said Tuesday as tensions between Russia and the West soar amid the war in Ukraine. More: HuffPost