2.1.24 Not supposed to say that

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a Kirsten Sinema fan. Just kidding. Those don’t exist.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Are you worried about this November? Does thinking about it make your buttcheeks sweat like your ass is raining? No? It’s just us? Ok fine. Well anyway there’s no need for you to keep sitting in all that ass sweat all year which you definitely are because it’s totally not just us…

What?! Well that’s weird. Isn’t the election supposed to already be over because Joe Biden got some bad polling from some shitty pollsters last year? It’s almost like we hold elections for a reason. Maybe Americans are actually paying attention to the good economy guy vs. the rapist Jan. 6 guy. Maybe we should all ignore the fucking polls that said there was gonna be a Red Wave. Maybe pundits should stop trying to predict the future since they suck at it. Maybe we get to decide the future of our country and not some goddamn polls.

So yeah, no more booty sweating, SPs. Squeegee them ass cheeks, ignore the damn polls and work work work your asses off to make the naysayers eat shit. It’s like the old TBS proverb says — if you work your ass off then you won’t have an ass that sweats and ruins your favorite chair. What? You never heard that? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Today is the start of Black History Month. Pro-tip — the people who are mad about that are called racists.

Note three: It sure looks like Kirsten Sinema ain’t running again. And that feels like something to celebrate. More: HuffPost

Note four: Aren’t you proud of us for not making the opening note about Taylor Swift?

Note five: We’re sorry to use another tweet, but we wanted to make sure you saw this video of Biden talking to the parents of the late Spc. Kennedy Ladon Sanders, who was killed last week while serving the US in Jordan.

Note six: So we have no idea what the fuck is happening in Georgia but we’re still rooting for Fani. More: CNN

Note seven: This ain’t exactly news but Tom Cotton is a racist scumbag. More: New Republic

Note eight: Nikki Haley is going to lose South Carolina. Badly. So let’s all enjoy her war against Trump while we can. More: Politico

Note nine: But also Nikki thinks Texas should be able to secede so don’t start feeling too bad for her. More: ABC 

Note 10: Trump put out a video of Jon Voight comparing him to Jesus. We really fucking hate some of the sentences we have to write these days.

Note 11: Dean Phillips is finished. How do we know? Because Tina Smith just finished him…

Note 12: Alabama has pulled out of the American Library Association. Aren’t we a little surprised they were ever in it? More: WSFA

Note 13: Some scumbag lawmaker in Indiana flashed his fun at some students. Given the state of the GOP these days, let’s be grateful that’s not a euphemism. More: NBC

Note 14: Colin Allred outraised Ted Cruz. We don’t know if he can win, but we do know shit like this must make Ted and his murderer father really nervous. More: Colin Allred

Note 15: If you’re still having ass sweat issues — we swear it’s not just us!!! — then this might help…

Note 16: Boy January really flew by, didn’t it?

Note 17: Steve Garvey is running as a Republican for the Senate in California. Apparently nobody told his donors. More: Politico

Note 18: The National Prayer Breakfast was this morning. That thing always seemed kinda icky to us. More: Salon

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note so today we’re going with Captain America visiting the White House to talk to kids about the importance of civics. Maybe he could hit a diner in Ohio next.

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news. And then let us squeegee our buttocks. Sorry. We just think that’s funny. Love y’all!

Damn shame

So it’s increasingly looking like TBS is gonna be the only news organization still standing this year after The Messenger folded yesterday. Yeah, it’s pretty gross to see billionaire Jimmy Finklestein fold his new publication less than a year after it launched but it’s hardly surprising. Dude spent $50 million with no business plan and this is what happened. Sending love to the 300 reporters who lost their jobs without healthcare or severance yesterday. There has to be someway to make the news work without rich assholes fucking it up.

More: Axios

Not supposed to say that

So yesterday the House shocked the shit out of us and actually passed a bill that includes a child tax credit. It also includes corporate tax cuts but that ain’t really surprising. That child tax credit really helped a lot of kids and we’ve considered it a fucking tragedy that Joe Manchin killed the damn thing. So we’re really hoping that the Senate will pass it and help those kids again. But Sen. Chuck Grassley said he doesn’t want to pass it because it might help Joe Biden in an election year. Yes, he really said that. Between this and the border bill, Republicans keep admitting that they don’t want to do shit because it might help Biden. It’s almost like the Jan. 6 fuckers suck at being statesmen.

More: HuffPost, NBC

Damn right

The chairman of the Federal Reserve said yesterday that America has a “good economy.” No shit, sherlock. Powell made the remarks while announcing the Fed is keeping rates where they are. We’re expecting some cuts later this year but still it’s good that they are no longer trying to put Americans out of work to try and tame inflation. Instead Joe Biden’s policies worked and we tamed inflation while creating more than 14 million jobs. Seems like good presidenting to us.

More: Barrons

Today’s clips

All the witnesses Republicans called in for depositions as part of their impeachment inquiry against President Joe Biden in January said that they knew of no corruption on Biden’s part. More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden plans to issue an executive order targeting violent Israeli settlers in the West Bank whom he has said have undermined stability in the area, a US official and source familiar with the matter told CNN. More: CNN