2.12.24 Joe Biden gets Nikki Haley’s back

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it bet heavy on the 49ers because it’s afraid of girls.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another week closer to the election to end all elections. Or at least that’s what one of the candidates keeps saying. Yeah, the orange one. He did it again this weekend. He literally called this election the “the Final Battle.” Pretty horrifying, right? Well if you said yes, you must not work for the mainstream media.

So yeah that’s how the fucking weekend went in are-you-fucking-kidding-us-land. In fact, it seems like most of the blue team spent the last couple days breaking up with the grey lady and the rest of a broken political press. But you know us, we wanted to get to the bottom of it so here’s an interview with the MSM…

TBS: Hey, suckass. Whatcha doin?

MSM: Not much. Just making America great again.

TBS: We knew it! You’re totally in the tank for Trump aren’t you?

MSM: No. We believe in both sides. But we really like the one that helps us sell books and get tv contracts.

TBS: So you really don’t care about democracy or America or the people Trump will hurt?

MSM: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TBS: Yikes. What if you — the enemies of the people — also get hurt?

MSM: Why do you think we’re kissing so much orange ass?!

TBS: Oh. We get it. But we don’t think it’s going to work.

MSM: We also like being humiliated.

TBS: Oh well that will work. Anyway, you suck and please stop sucking because we kinda need you to not suck right now because this But Her Emails bullshit is gonna get (more) people killed.

Sorry, SPs. We tried. But they might be too far gone. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ugh. At least we can celebrate the Kansas City Chiefs winning the Super Bowl. Not so much for the football but more for the tiny heads that exploded because they showed Taylor Swift on television cheering for her boyfriend and for some reason that really pisses off some very sad assholes. Congrats, KC. More: CNN

Note three: Btw, did you see Trump say he’s the reason Taylor Swift is so successful? How the fuck is that not a failed cognitive test in and of its own right? Because that is some truly fuckednuts crazytown shit to say. More: NPR

Note four: So it looks like House Republicans are gonna try to impeach Alejandro Mayorkas again this week. Fucking assholes. More: CBS

Note five: And one of the Republicans who voted against impeachment last week says he isn’t going to run for reelection now. How insane is that? More: CNN

Note six: We mentioned this earlier but we thought you should see it.

Note seven: As if that shit isn’t scary enough, the Atlantic is reporting that Trump and Stephen Miller are working on a mass deportation plan that would involve sending a red state army to go into blue states and start rounding people up. They would have camps near the border. This shit is real. More: The Atlantic

Note eight: This Friday, President Biden is traveling to East Palestine, Ohio. It’s nice to have a president who gives a shit and isn’t a total lunatic. More: WKBN

Note nine: And btw, everyone from Mitt Romney to Bibi Netanyahu spent the weekend telling the press how sharp Biden actually is. We doubt the MSM was listening though. More: HuffPost

Note 10: How great was Usher last night? More: HuffPost

Note 11: Ok this shit is hilarious. How many millions of red hats do you think fell for it?

Note 12: We did not find the RFK ad so hilarious. It mostly made us a little nauseous. More: NBC

Note 13: The White House is unhappy with Merrick Garland. Join the fucking club. More: Politico

Note 14: The Senate actually moved a little closer to approving Ukraine/Israel/Taiwan aid over the weekend. But who the hell knows? More: Politico

Note 15: Y’all know we’ve been loving the White House’s social media game. Especially the trolling. And now they’re doing it on Tiktok.

Note 16: Don’t forget Valentine’s Day is Wednesday. We like chocolates and flowers and democracy. Just sayin’.

Note 17: In a party full of ass-kissing chickenshit wimps, Marco Rubio manages to stand out as one of the ass-kissingest chickenshittiest wimps there is. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Remember when it would have been a massive scandal that Trump’s son and top surrogate was a racist inhuman piece of garbage? More: Yahoo

Note 19: Oh look. Matt Gaetz did a racism too. Will the press give a shit? More: HuffPost

Note 20: We like to end on a happy note, but we wanted to make sure y’all saw that appalling Gaetz shit. But still, here’s a 100-year-old man doing a dive in a dive competition. He should’ve done the Triple Lindy. Love y’all! More: CNN

Sending love

SecDef Lloyd Austin was hospitalized again this weekend but he was still able to do his duties. Austin, who is battling prostate cancer, was taken to Walter Reed for a bladder issue. The president and others were notified. We don’t have anything snarky to say. We just hope he gets well.

More: HuffPost

Yikes

“Russia, if you’re listening…” was pretty fucking bad. Especially when you consider what Russia did afterward. But this weekend Trump took it way fucking farther telling a crowd that he would encourage Russia “to do whatever the hell they want” to a NATO country that doesn’t pay its dues. Yes, that is insanely messed up and it should be obvious to everyone — ESPECIALLY THE FUCKING PRESS — that the Republican Party and its dumbshit leader have aligned themselves with Putin.

More: NBC

Thanks, Dark Brandon

So yeah we know it looked weird that we wrote Biden gets Nikki Haley’s back at the top, but that is what happened. This weekend, Trump attacked Haley’s husband, asking where he was. The answer is that he is a member of the South Carolina National Guard and he is currently deployed overseas. So yeah, Trump attacked another veteran and his family. And Commander-in-chief Joe Biden was kind enough to have their backs.

Today’s clips

Rep. Elise Stefanik of New York and Sen. J.D. Vance of Ohio are both leading a legislative effort to symbolically absolve Donald Trump from any culpability in the January 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol. More: CNN

The classified documents criminal case against Donald Trump and others heats up again Monday with crucial hearings over access to evidence that could impact whether the former president is tried before the November election. More: CNN