1.9.24 Tell ‘em, Mr. President

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it actually listens to the crazy shit coming out of Trump’s mouth.

Note: Alright, Sexy Patriots, it’s sexy pep talk time! Now we realize that sounds like it might just all be enthusiastic dirty talk, but it’s a little more than that. We are at the start of the most important election of our lifetimes (since the last one) and we know there are people out there feeling discouraged. And frankly, we get it. A raving bright orange lunatic has a chance to win the White House again and it makes sense that some of us would wonder if we’ve completely lost our shit and our country.

So huddle up, SPs.

First of all, you’re not crazy. Everyone else is. It has been seven years since that escalator crapped out the worst turd in the history of shittery and it still doesn’t make a lick of sense to us that he managed to build a loyal cult of millions. But we realized at some point that we don’t have to understand it. We just have to stop it.

Second of all, our party’s nominee knows you are anxious. If you’re wondering if Dark Brandon gets the threat this country is facing, you only need look at his last two speeches. Joe Biden is fired up and calling out the threat Trump represents. His message is clear as fucking day, and it’s on the nation to open its fucking ears and fucking listen.

And third, we’re just getting started. The more Trump talks, the crazier he sounds, and even the New York Times can’t ignore that shit forever. Eventually people will tune in and they will remember that Tangerine Dingus got a shitload of us killed and then attacked the Capitol. We have faith that when presented with a choice between the best economy most of us have ever seen and the fuckhead who says he could’ve negotiated a solution to the Civil War, most Americans won’t be total dumbshits.

But the main reason we are optimistic this year and mostly refraining from crapping ourselves is you. That’s right, you’re our secret weapon. We know you’re sexy and patriotic, but we also know you’re engaged, determined and ready to kick some orange ass yet again. So keep your heads up, SPs. We’ve got a country to save. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Like seriously, can people not hear this crazy shit?!

Note three: The Iowa caucuses are just a few days away so please be sure to get all your Ron DeSantis pudding finger boot lift jokes in while you can. Even if he stays in, two new polls out of New Hampshire show him at fifth and fourth place. Goddamn this is funny.

Note four: On the Democratic side, Biden is handily winning in New Hampshire even though he isn’t on the ballot. Some asshole named Dean Phillips is polling at 7 percent and has a 10 percent favorability rating. That’s pretty hilarious too. More: CNN

Note five: Speaking of Phillips, you should really check out this Politico headline. And y’all know we don't’ normally recommend that shit. More: Politico

Note six: We’re starting to think Don Jr. isn’t a straight shooter.

Note seven: MAGA Mike Johnson made a spending deal with Chuck Schumer to keep the government open and the crazies are big mad and threatening to Kevin McCarthy ol’ MAGA Mike. This would be hilarious if these fuckers weren’t running the US House of Representatives. More: Guardian

Note eight: We’re sending love to CNN anchor Sara Sidner, who is battling breast cancer. Please remember to get your mammograms. More: People

Note nine: Both Jack Smith and Judge Tanya Chutkan have been the victims of attempted swattings lately. We sure hope the mainstream media will continue to downplay this madness. More: NBC, NBC

Note 10: We love the state of Michigan but we just can’t bring ourselves to congratulate the Wolverines on winning the national title last night. Still, here’s a link… More: Yahoo Sports

Note 11: Michelle Obama said she is “terrified” about Trump winning. We definitely feel that.

Note 12: Hey so why THE FUCK isn’t Roger Stone in jail right now? More: Yahoo

Note 13: Trump can’t campaign in Iowa because he’s in court for being a criminal piece of shit, but he’s sending Roseanne Barr to campaign for him and no we’re not making this up. More: Des Moines Register

Note 14: Have you adopted a Senate campaign yet? Ohio and Montana could sure use your help. More: NY1

Note 15: Another Republican state party chairman is out of a job for being a deranged piece of human garbage. Sure seems like a trend. More: NBC

Note 16: Well this is pretty goddamn funny.

Note 17: Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear has launched a national PAC. The Democratic bench is deep, y’all. More: AP

Note 18: Harry Dunn is warning Jan. 6 can happen again. That’s why we need him in Congress. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note but today we’re going the other direction. Last year was the hottest year on Earth ever. We should probably do something about that before we all die. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that seriously upsetting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week. Stay warm and sexy out there. Love y’all!

America first-ish

Donald Trump says he is rooting for the American economy to crash. Seriously. In an interview, the asshole who left office with the worst jobs record since Herbert fucking Hoover said he hopes the economy crashes in the next few months so he’s not blamed for it. So yeah, the dude who’s about to win the Iowa caucuses and the Republican presidential nomination is rooting for millions of Americans to lose their jobs and retirement savings. What a guy.

More: CNN

Tell ‘em, Mr. President

Joe Biden was once again on a roll yesterday. Speaking at Mother Emanuel church in Charleston, S.C., Biden again issued a stark warning about what’s coming if Donald Trump wins a second term. These speeches from Biden to kick off 2024 are exactly what we had hoped to see from him. It’s nice to have a president who condemns white supremacy instead of seeing it as his base.

More: AP

Court day

Trump showed up to court today. Yeah, his lawyers are arguing that presidents should be immune from all prosecution and it doesn’t seem to be going well. But he and Jack Smith are both in the courtroom so soak up the drama, America. In the same courthouse, Jan. 6 asshole Ray Epps is getting sentenced today. So it turns out he wasn’t a government plant and the FBI didn’t do Jan. 6. But you knew that.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Jimmy Kimmel kicked off 2024 with a warning for NFL star Aaron Rodgers, who last week implied the late-night host wouldn’t be happy about the upcoming release of a court document that would name people associated with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. More: HuffPost

US Secretary of State Antony Blinken is in Israel for high-stakes talks with top government officials on Tuesday to push them to better protect civilians and allow in more desperately needed aid as the war in Gaza shifts to a new phase. More: CNN