1.5.24 Thoughts and prayers

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like some asshole attacked the Capitol a few years ago and is still a free (orange) man.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We did it! We made it through the first week after the holiday break. And thank goodness because we were totally not ready for all the dumb shit that went down this week. But it wasn’t all bad. In fact, some of it was great. And today we’d like to talk to you about one big story in particular.

Hell fucking yes!!! Y’all know that TBS stays out of Democratic primaries. We figure voters can decide who the best candidate is to take on the GOP, and we don’t like pissing off our friends. But we’re making an exception here — Harry Dunn should be a member of Congress. A brave Capitol police officer who put his life on the line on Jan. 6, Dunn has defended democracy before, and we need to send him back to the Capitol so he can defend it some more. Because the scumbag shitheads who came after him that day are still coming for the rest of us.

We have never really been able to wrap our gorgeous heads around why Republicans and so many Americans just flat out don’t give a shit that officers like Dunn were assaulted and beaten as they defended our democracy that day. And frankly we’re fucking tired of trying to understand it. Now we just want to beat the fuckers who beat those cops, and Harry Dunn is exactly the candidate to do it.

This man knows the stakes better than most. He has given more than most. He has seen it face-to-face more than most. And this country needs more people like him walking the halls of Congress. So today we are skipping the weird and profane intro to instead make a full-throated endorsement of Harry Dunn for Congress. Good luck, Officer Dunn. Thank you for saving our country’s ass, and thank you for signing up to do it again. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This Week’s Big Stuff is back! Yes, the companion podcast to Today’s Big Stuff has returned and this week with a special treat — Adam and Sam cussing about the news together! And subscribers aren’t just getting our unique brand of political profanity. They’re also helping to keep this newsletter alive and kicking. So please join us, and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff rolling.

Note three: Donald Trump posted about 50 times on Truth Social yesterday about E. Jean Caroll. We’re really excited for her to own Mar-a-Lago. More: Messenger

Note four: We’re so fucking excited we almost can’t wait for the news section to tell y’all about this insanely hot jobs report. The New York Times must be so pissed.

Note five: Remember how Nikki Haley couldn’t or wouldn’t say slavery was the cause of the Civil War. Well it’s ok because she had Black friends as a kid. YIKES!!!

Note six: According to Morning Consult, Dean Phillips is polling at 1 percent in a national Democratic primary. Marianne Williamson is at 2 percent. Great work, Dean. Whoever the fuck you are. NO LINK

Note seven: Voters in Illinois and Massachusetts are really digging what Colorado did and they don’t want an orange insurrectionist asshat on their ballots either. More: CNN

Note eight: CNN did townhalls with DeSantis and Nikki Haley last night. It’s hard to tell who CNN hates more — its viewers or itself.

Note nine: Marjorie Taylor Gross wanted to celebrate Jan. 6 with a bunch of dirtbags at a hotel in Florida. When the hotel found out they canceled. Do you know how icky you have to be to get canceled by a Florida hotel? More: NBC

Note 10: Well this is pretty icky. And just flat out fucking deranged.

Note 11: We don’t want to tell y’all how to commemorate Jan. 6 this weekend, but we’re going to remember it by doing something to help a Democratic candidate and then not attacking the Capitol.

Note 12: The DEA is considering being less dickish about weed. See? 2024 is already looking up. More: Axios

Note 13: NBCNews says Trump can’t use the “idiot defense” when it comes to Jan. 6. Seems like if anyone can defend themselves for being an idiot, it would be that asshole. More: NBC

Note 14: DeSantis’s Surgeon General went on Steve Bannon’s show yesterday and said vaccines are the anti-Christ. We’re not making this up. We wouldn’t even know how to. More: Daily Beast

Note 15: This is true, but the crazy part is this dumbshit thinks shutting down the government will count as an accomplishment.

Note 16: Man. David Soul from Starsky and Hutch died. Did you ever see the movie that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson did? We sure loved that one. RIP. More: Independent

Note 17: NPR has a story about how Trump loves the Jan. 6 trash. Yeah, no shit. He’s the one who sent them. More: NPR

Note 18: Elise Stefanik pulled her endorsement from a candidate who criticized Trump. She never pulled her endorsement of George Santos. We’re beginning to think she’s human garbage in a fucked up cult. More: Politico

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note. We don’t like to link to Axios. But the happy note thing won out today. Thanks, Dark Brandon!

Note 20: And on that amazing note, let’s go do some news! We hope your first week back after the holidays hasn’t been too painful. We hope you’re ready to kick some ass this year. And we hope you’ll join us in supporting Harry Dunn. Yeah, we’re really excited about this one. Have a great weekend, and we’ll see you back here Monday. Love y’all!

Wink wink

So Trump is really counting on a broken and corrupt SCOTUS to save his sorry ass. Yesterday Trump lawyer Alina Habba went on television and appealed to corrupt and broken Justice Brett Kavanaugh to come through for his orange benefactor. Habba said she hopes Kavanaugh will “step up” because Trump “went through hell” to get him confirmed. This all seems totally aboveboard, right? JFC. And just to be clear, the only people who went through hell when Kavanaugh was confirmed were sexual assault survivors.

More: MSNBC

Thoughts and prayers

The one nice thing about those CNN townhalls last night was we got to see firsthand how little Republicans care about school shootings. On the same day we found out that a 17-year-old in Iowa shot and killed a sixth grader while wounding five others, both DeSantis and Haley said gun safety reforms are not the answer. DeSantis said solutions shouldn’t come from the federal government, and Haley said some lawmakers just want to pass legislation to “feel better.” Yeah, that and we’re really fucking sick of kids being murdered.

More: CNN

WOW!!!

So we got a new jobs report today and holy shit don’t touch it or you’ll burn your fingers. Last month the economy added 216,000 jobs, once again defying expectations. That makes a total of 14.3 million jobs since Dark Brandon took office. The unemployment rate has been below 4 percent for about two years now. Wages are up, and inflation is down. Please remember to ignore all the assheads who said we were going to be in a recession right now. And don’t forget to thank Dark Brandon for rebuilding the post-pandemic economy from the middle out.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

Martin Sheen says he isn’t rallying behind independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ahead of Election Day this November. More: HuffPost

Neri Oxman, an academic and wife of billionaire investor Bill Ackman, plagiarized parts of her doctoral dissertation at MIT, according to a report from Business Insider. More: CNN