1.4.24 We thought of a label

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it has to spend more goddamn time talking about yet another possible goddamn government shutdown.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you today? It’s been a few days since 2024 started and so we thought we’d check in. Everyone feeling optimistic and excited for the year ahead? Or scared shitless and twice as angry? Yeah, put us down as a mix of both. But how is everyone else doing?

WHOA! We love you, HuffPo, but calm the eff down. Or don’t. We actually really like this style of journalism even though we totally and completely condemn political violence. But the totally serious bootlicks of the beltway have gotten in a really nasty habit of just ignoring the endlessly crazy and dangerous shit that Trump says and does so it’s pretty fucking refreshing to see some journalists actually paying attention to what orange assbreath is claiming.

That said, we don’t think President Biden should kill Donald Trump. We have some moral objections, but mostly we just think it might make Dark Brandon look a little too dark. Maybe we’ve just gone soft. Or maybe we’re still better people than the shit-eating scum who attacked our Capitol. It’s like Michelle Obama said — when they go low, you don’t fucking murder them. Or something like that. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Republicans are preparing to shut down the government. The economy is doing too well so they’re gonna try and fuck it up. Get ready. More: HuffPost

Note three: It looks like there was a school shooting this morning in Iowa. Thank a Republican. More: NBC

Note four: Alan Dershowitz sure handled the Epstein stuff with a lot of class. Oh wait. No he didn’t. More: Rolling Stone

Note five: The Biden-Harris campaign is dropping its first ad of 2024. It is a must-watch.

Note six: This is an actual headline from the Associated Press this morning — “One attack, two interpretations: Biden and Trump both make the Jan. 6 riot a political rallying cry.” NO FUCKING LINK

Note seven: Trump has asked the broken and corrupt Supreme Court that he rigged to bail him out of his Colorado jam. More: HuffPost

Note eight: So we decided not to just post the video but a judge was attacked in court yesterday and it is seriously messed up. More: HuffPost

Note nine: DeSantis getting asked why he’s been too chickenshit to take on Trump really puts a smile on our faces. Looks like Iowa is going great, Ron! More: CNN

Note 10: We don’t know how or why she does it, but goddamn we do enjoy watching Jessia make Fox buttlicks squirm.

Note 11: LOL. Trump wants Jack Smith sanctioned. Yeah and Henry Kissinger in Hell wants ice water. More: CNN

Note 12: We’re starting to think this Elon Musk fella is totally full of shit when it comes to free speech. More: NBC

Note 13: We’ve always known DeSantis’s surgeon general is batshit insane, but he’s now calling for all COVID vaccines to be banned. Even for Florida, this is pretty fucked up. More: Guardian

Note 14: Oh look. A Jan. 6 scumbag is running for the school board. We’re just gonna say it — we hope she loses. More: STL Today

Note 15: We talked about this yesterday but we’re gonna talk about it again today since the beltway bootlicks don’t seem to give a shit…

Note 16: Britney Spears says she’s never returning to the music industry. We’re gonna need a minute to process this. Like we really want her to just be happy and focus on herself, but we would also really like some new music. More: HuffPost

Note 17: RFK is gonna be on the ballot in Utah. Utah can have his crazy ass. More: CNN

Note 18: Remember how that Vivek asshole is a real asshole? Well he’s touting the endorsement of white supremacist ex-Rep. Steve King. So two asssholes. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note but we really couldn’t fine one today. So here’s a story about Nikki Haley being so full of shit that even Fox News called her out. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that amusing note, let’s go do some news! Hang in there, SPs. The first week back is almost over. Then there are only like 50 more until our next big holiday break. Love y’all!

We thought of a label

No Labels, which pretends to be some bipartisan moderate wet dream, is actually completely and totally full of shit. We know you’re not shocked to learn this. Yeah, the Joe Manchin people are now saying they might not actually put a Democrat on their so-called unity ticket. Probably because they’re actually Republicans who want Trump back in office. What a bunch of cheap con-artist assholes. Thank you to HuffPo for this important reporting.

More: HuffPost

Seems like a big deal

Several state capitals were forced to evacuate Wednesday after receiving bomb threats. The threat of political violence is very real and all over the place these days and the DC media just keeps acting like they can’t see it. We’re grateful everyone is ok and nothing happened this time.

More: Spokesman

Impeach his ass!

So you know how House Republicans want to impeach Joe Biden for taking money from foreign governments even though they can’t prove he did it? Well House Democrats have actually found lots and lots of proof that Trump took almost $8 million from foreign governments while he was president, including more than $5 million from China. It’s pretty crazy to think that our next president could be owned by Russia, North Korea, China and Saudi Arabia. So surely this means House Republicans are going to go after Trump now. Right?

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Pat McAfee has apologized for comments New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers made on “The Pat McAfee Show” about TV host Jimmy Kimmel and the late accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. More: CNN

The Justice Department on Wednesday sued Texas over a new law that would allow police to arrest migrants who enter the U.S. illegally, taking Republican Gov. Greg Abbott to court again over his escalating response to border crossers arriving from Mexico. More: HuffPost