1.3.24 This won’t end unless we end it

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And that’s not even the worst thing it’s going to do today.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We sure are enjoying getting back in the saddle with you. But we have to admit we are stunned by the stories we missed while we were getting some rest and opening presents. And probably the best example of that is the whole news cycle about the unshocking news that Donald J. Trump smells like the inside of a dead goat’s ass.

Yeah, while we were gone former Rep. Adam Kizinger told our friends at the Meidas Touch that Trump stinks. Like really really really stinks.

LOL. The funniest part is your obvious reaction to this — you’re not surprised at all. No one is. And that’s why… excuse us… what?... oh wow ok… um Sexy Patriots, we’ve just been informed that a very angry inside of a dead goat’s ass is on the phone. We now take you live to that conversation…

TBS: Um hello?

Inside of a Dead Goat’s Ass: Fuck you guys. I used to love TBS but this is some bullshit.

TBS: We don’t mean to be rude but who the hell are you?

IOADGA: I’m the Inside of a Dead Goat’s Ass and I heard what you said about how I smell like Trump. Fuck you!

TBS: Oh gosh. We’re sorry. We just assumed that you must smell pretty bad.

IOADGA: Oh it’s horrible. I’m where actual goat shit used to live and now rots, baking in the midday sun, mixing with decomposing goat butt flesh and wrecking any nostril that dares come near. But you guys went way too fucking far with that Trump dig.

TBS: We honestly had no idea.

IOADA: That’s no excuse. I smell like a basket of goddamn daisies compared to that disgusting monster. My stank is nature at work. His stank is the devil at work. I’m so pissed about this.

TBS: We really are sorry. And we take your point. Thanks for calling and good luck to you.

IOADA: Oh fuck off!

Whoa. That was one seriously pissed off Inside of a Dead Goat’s Ass. But we might’ve had it coming. Anyway, Trump fucking stinks. Vote for Biden. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Bob Menendez really needs to resign. He has needed to for a while. Why are we saying this about a Democrat? Because we believe in the rule of law and we’re not in an ass-kissing cult. Pretty simple, right? More: HuffPost

Note three: House Republicans are doing yet another border photo-op today and then opening impeachment proceedings against Secretary Mayorkas. Wonder if anyone has told these shitheads they can actually pass some legislation. More: CNN

Note four: Sean Hannity has officially moved to Florida. Sucks for Florida. More: Guardian

Note five: Btw, we’re nearing another government shutdown. We’ve got a religious nutjob as Speaker and he’s working with a bunch of lunatic assholes and zero margin for error. How do we think this turns out?

Note six: Yesterday we told you that Greg Sarget was leaving the Washington Post. The New Republican announced yesterday afternoon that Greg has joined them. Great hire for TNR. Tough loss for an increasingly shitty WaPo.

Note seven: LOLOL. Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses, has to pay the couple she fucked with more than $260,000. We sure hope her cruel bigotry and 15 minutes of shame was worth it. Trash. More: AP

Note eight: A judge dismissed a lot of important stuff but the lawsuit brought by Officer Brian Sicknick’s partner against Trump and other Jan. 6 scum can go forward. Why doesn’t shit like this get more attention? Try to imagine if President Obama was getting sued by the partner of a cop he got killed. More: NBC

Note nine: Gas prices are under $3 in a majority of US gas stations. That’s good, right? More: CBS

Note 10: This must’ve killed him to say.

Note 11: Trump is appealing the Maine Secretary of State’s decision to keep him off the ballot. But really, there is nothing appealing about Donald Trump. More: AP

Note 12: We will not apologize for the corniness of that last joke.

Note 13: Fox News had a psychic on to talk about Trump last night. And it still somehow blew up in their faces. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Hey is it good that drugmakers are capping insulin at $35 because of Joe Biden’s Inflation Reduction Act? Because it sure as shit seems good to us. More: CNN

Note 15: Seems to us like we should listen to the people who literally defended American democracy. But we’re crazy like that.

Note 16: Trump hired an expert to find voter fraud. The expert wrote an oped about how Trump is full of shit. It made almost zero news. More: USA Today

Note 17: A lawsuit has been filed to keep insurrectionist asshat Rep. Scott Perry off the ballot in Pennsylvania. We assume he’ll respond by beating up some cops with the American flag or smearing his poop on something. More: AP

Note 18: Ray Epps is getting sentenced next week. Which is a weird thing to happen to a government plant. More: NBC

Note 19: And finally today, if you like basketball or just superstar badasses, you should really be watching Iowa’s Caitlin Clark.

Note 20: And on that jaw-dropping note, let’s go do some news! We hope your New Year is off to a great start. And if it ain’t, just give it a minute to warm up. Love y’all!

So gross

Yesterday Harvard President Claudine Gay announced she is resigning. Why? Well she’s a Black woman who was president of Harvard and some people just can’t live with that. So with the help of the New York Times and an especially shitty response to a Elise Stefanik gotcha question about genocide, those racist assholes went after Gay, accusing her of plagiarism. And so the worst people in the country were celebrating yesterday and higher education continued to be assaulted by racist assholes. We get why they’re doing this gross shit. We just don’t get why so many people are helping them.

More: AP

Go Joe

This weekend, Joe Biden will commemorate the attack on our Capitol with a speech near Valley Forge in which he lays out exactly how much of a threat to democracy Trump is. Biden is ramping up his campaign against Trump now that the election year is officially underway. After the Valley Forge speech, Biden will travel to Mother Emanuel church in Charleston, S.C. on Monday to give a speech about the dangers of extremism. This is the kind of campaign we’ve been eager to see from the president. Shit is scary and dangerous and we’re glad to see the Biden campaign talking about it.

More: NPR

This won’t end unless we end it

Texas wants women to die. It’s really that simple. After Roe v. Wade was destroyed by fuckheads, the Biden administration put out a ruling that said hospitals have to perform abortions in an emergency to save a pregnant woman who is dying. The state of Texas said fuck that. And yesterday, the gross and Trumpy Fifth Circuit agreed with Texas and said the federal government was wrong to want to try and save women’s lives. There will be a lot of bullshit this year. But don’t lose sight of what we’re fighting for. Because this nightmare won’t end until we end it.

More: Texas Tribune

Today’s clips

Talk show host Jimmy Kimmel threatened legal action against New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who has implied that Kimmel would be affected by the release of a list of associates of sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. More: HuffPost

At least 103 people were killed Wednesday and 141 injured in the Iranian city of Kerman after twin blasts near the burial site of slain military commander Qasem Soleimani, in what officials called a terror attack, according to state media. More: CNN