1.31.24 Git ‘em

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. In the shower, it’s a singing newsletter.

Note: Ok Sexy Patriots, we promise this newsletter is not gonna become a full-time Taylor-Swift-is-driving-crazy-assholes-even-crazier newsletter for the next week and a half until the Super Bowl. Well it probably won’t. But we just had to share the funniest fucking thing we’ve seen in forever…

LOLOLOL!!! Trump thinks he’s more popular than Tay Tay? That dumb motherfucker isn’t even more popular than herpes that have syphilis and ask to crash on your couch for a couple of months! We honestly don’t even know how to make this any funnier. So we thought we’d interview Taylor Swift (not really; please don’t sue us)...

TBS: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! This is so exciting!

Not Taylor Swift: Calm down, guys. Love the newsletter.

TBS: Sam just fainted. Anyway, do you think Donald Trump is more popular than you are?

NTS: Who the fuck is Danny Trimp?

TBS: Amazing. Thank you for joining us and for making creepy loser shitheads everywhere melt all the way down.

NTS: No problem. Later.

Wow!!! Can you believe that?! Yeah, we can’t either. Oh well. It sure was a beautiful dream. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We really need to apologize for how far we’ve fallen behind on returning your emails. Truth is we got behind right before the holidays and just haven’t been able to dig out. We fucking love hearing from y’all so we promise we will try to do better. Sorry to be dicks.

Note three: Republicans are still going after the Voting Rights Act and we are very bummed to share that they had a good day in that direction on Tuesday. More: TPM

Note four: Someone show Nikki Haley this story about a Jackie Robinson statue being stolen and burned. Then maybe she’ll see how embarrassingly racist this fucked up country can be. More: ESPN

Note five: We need to hear more Democrats referring to Trump as a rapist. Because that’s what he is. Thank you to Rep. Jim McGovern for going there.

Note six: We might all be wanting Trump off the ballot, but Dark Brandon ain’t sweating it. More: HuffPost

Note seven: RIP to Broadway star Chita Rivera. More: NPR

Note eight: One of Trump’s fake electors in Arizona wants the state legislature to be able to overturn any elections they don’t like. Let’s hope this fucker is too in prison to ever make this happen. More: HuffPost

Note nine: President Biden spoke with the families of the US troops who were killed in Jordan over the weekend. We can’t imagine having to make a call like that. Thank goodness the guy doing it doesn’t think our troops are “suckers” and “losers.” More: The Hill

Note 10: So how did that dumbass impeachment stunt go yesterday? Well Rep. Dina Titus summed it up nicely…

Note 11: If Newsmax was a person, it wouldn’t be able to live near a school. Fucking creeps. More: Daily Beast

Note 12: MAGA Mike Johnson said he isn’t tanking the border deal because of Trump. And if you believe that shit, we’ve got a wall that Mexico paid for to sell you. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Elon Musk had a really bad day in Delaware yesterday and we find ourselves really loving Delaware. More: Reuters

Note 14: So this is so horrible we don’t know what to say about it. A sick Trumper in Pennsylvania beheaded his own father while calling for a revolution against the “Biden regime.” Maybe the press should start taking all this fucking violence seriously. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Is this good? Because this seems really goddamn good…

Note 16: Trump says he’s looking for new lawyers to appeal the E. Jean Carroll verdict. We don’t think it will matter. Maybe he should just leave her the hell alone. More: Forbes

Note 17: Btw, Republicans in the House did move forward the Mayorkas impeachment after a 15-hour hearing. Democrats were unified in calling it out as the cheap political stunt that it is. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Trump’s whole goal with the legal system is to delay, delay, delay. And it is fucking infuriating watching that plan work. More: Politico

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and today we’re sharing a nice response to that Elmo tweet we told you about yesterday — Joe Biden’s response. It’s nice to have a president who cares about shit like this. More: The Wrap

Note 20: And on that touching note, let’s go do some news! We hope you’re having an awesome week and totally not losing your shit over a pop star dating a football player. We promise to think of something else to write about tomorrow. Love y’all!

Suckers

One of the problems with being a serial criminal is you have to spend a shitload of money on attorneys. But if you’re really lucky, you’ll have an army of easily frightened dumbfuck racists who will pay those bills for you. And Trump is just that kind of lucky. The NYT reported yesterday that Trump has spent $50 million in donor money on legal fees in 2023. LOLOL!!! Say what you will about Joe Biden, but he ain’t never asked us to pay for his lawyers.

More: NY Times, The Messenger

And there’s more

The donors might be paying Trump’s legal fees but we doubt they can cover what that twisted fuck is gonna have to pay the state of New York. Already on the hook for $83 million to E. Jean Carroll, Trump could find out today just how much he will have to pay for Letitia James’s fraud suit. You’ll remember that she is asking for $370 million. We’re all waiting for the judge to make a decision, and he said when the trail ended that he hoped to make a decision by the end of the month. Well it’s the end of the month so ruin that orange asshole already.

More: CNN

Git ‘em

So how aggressive is Dark Brandon being in taking on Donald Trump? Well yesterday Biden flew Air Force One to where Trump’s plane was parked in Florida, got out, went to a fundraiser and called Trump a “loser.” And we know how much Trump hates that shit. We know there are concerns about Biden’s age, but goddamn we love watching him go after Trump like this. This campaign is a lot more feisty than it’s getting credit for. Go git ‘em, Joe.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Congress will again grill the chief executives of several big tech companies this week, including Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, about potential harms from their products on teens. Until now, the social platforms have largely had the same response: We’ll help teens and families make smart decisions themselves. More: CNN