1.30.24 No thanks, champ

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it saw a certain orange asshead trying to take credit for Joe Biden’s economy.

Note: Hi, Sexy Patriots. Today we’d like to do something a little different. Today we’d like to say a sincere thank you to the fuckhead freaks out there who are totally losing their shit over a successful woman cheering for her football-playing boyfriend. No, we haven’t totally lost our shit too but we can see why you’d be worried.

Um what the effing fuck is wrong with everybody? Seriously are peoples’ brains just totally fucking broken? We made a joke about all this silly shit in yesterday’s edition and planned to leave it there but then crazy fucknuts bros just kept being crazy fucknuts so we figured we’d add our two cents. So here goes…

Thank you, crazy fucknuts bros, for making us seem like two of the most normal and emotionally healthy dudes on the goddamn planet. If you ask the people who know us best and care about us, they will probably tell you that we can be absolute doofuses sometimes and we can’t deny it. But compared to the army of incel dipshits melting down over Taylor Swift, we are truly two of the most stable geniuses you will ever meet. Is it a low bar? Yep. The lowest. But it still feels good to clear it. So thank you, pathetic sexist lunatics, for making us look good. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It is fucking terrifying to read what anti-abortion folks are planning for after another Trump win. We can’t say we weren’t warned. More: Politico

Note three: Are you freaked out and disgusted by a corrupt and broken Supreme Court? Well you’re not alone. It looks like Justice Sotomayor feels the same way. More: CNN

Note four: Trump is big mad about the UAW endorsing Biden. Maybe he shouldn’t be a fucking scab then. More: Politico

Note five: It’s hard to describe how much we were cheering for E. Jean Carroll on Maddow last night When she said Trump “is nothing” we fucking lost it.

Note six: Seriously the Taylor Swift stuff is deranged. Do these freaks not have normal people in their lives to tell them to put down the bath salts? More: CNN

Note seven: We saw someone on social media say that Megan McCain is interviewing RFK Jr. today and we’re only mentioning so we can announce that we are definitely not fucking linking to that stupid shit. NO FUCKING LINK

Note eight: Want to read a good profile about Sen. Mark Kelly? Well here ya go. Also, where are all the other Democratic senators and why aren’t they investigating Trump’s crimes? More: Politico

Note nine: Team Trump put out a poll today showing orangey beating the hell out of Nikki Haley in South Carolina. It’s probably true that she’s going to lose but who in the world would believe a Trump poll? More: The Messenger

Note 10: Just a reminder that Kirsten Sinema is the absolute fucking worst.

Note 11: Yesterday the House Sergeant at Arms received a subpoena from DOJ. We all assumed it was about Jan. 6 but apparently Merrick Garland is going after Rep. Cori Bush. Sigh. More: Mediaite

Note 12: It’s pretty crazy and pathetic that even now there are only like four establishment Republicans who will take on Trump. More: New Republic

Note 13: Wow so yesterday Elmo, the beloved Sesame Street character, asked how people are doing. It got dark. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Looks like some of the lunatics at OAN might have broken the law. Yeah, that ain’t exactly shocking is it? More: CNN

Note 15: Want to see a Republican member of Congress get absolutely humiliated for taking credit for funds she voted against? Of course you do. More: CNN

Note 16: One of our favorite genres of news stories is the Mike-Lindell-is-fucking-losing-it genre. Enjoy! More: RawStory

Note 17: Is anyone else super excited to see Trump have his business dissolved? Good lord that is gonna be one epic ketchup toss. More: AP

Note 18: No Labels sure looks like a total joke to us. A total joke that could end American democracy. More: CNN

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and today we thought we’d end on a hilarious one. Axios is reporting that Ron DeSantis might run again in 2028. LOLOL!!!! Ok bro. Maybe leave the poop map at home this time. More: Axios

Note 20: And on that delusional note, let’s go do some news! We’ve been meaning to ask who y’all have winning the Super Bowl? Are you excited for it? Or are you hiding under the bed in the fetal position because two people you’ve never met are dating? Just kidding. We know that’s just for the scary kids. Love y’all!

Keystone kicking ass

The Pennsylvania Supreme Court appears ready to protect abortion rights in the Keystone State as part of a fundamental right to privacy. The court also might be ready to say that medicaid funds can be used to pay for them. It’s all complex legal stuff but the upshot is that the Supreme Court we fought for and won last year is ready to do what we need all courts to do and that is protect women’s basic human rights. Thank you, Pennsylvania!

More: Spotlight PA

So fucking dumb

While we were writing today, House Republicans were moving forward with their plan to impeach DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. He of course has not broken any laws, but the Jan. 6 people say they have to do this to protect the border even though they are refusing to take up legislation that would protect the border. This is what it looks like when the US House of Representatives works for Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene. And it is fucking gross.

More: CNN

No thanks, champ

So Elon Musk said that the first person to get his brain chip implant has already gotten it and doing well. Now this motherfucker lies about everything so who knows if this is true, but why in the world would anyone do this? Have they not seen that ugly as cybertruck or ever heard Elon speak? And weren’t all these fuckers worried about brain chips from vaccines or some dumb shit? Yeah, let’s just assume and hope that Musk is lying about this. The alternative is too scary.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken on Monday described the present situation in the Middle East as the most worrying it’s been since the 1973 war between Israel and a partnership between Egypt and Syria. More: HuffPost