1.29.24 Thank You, E. Jean Carroll

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it’s a big strong tough guy who sobs and pees himself because Taylor Swift exists.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Y’all ready to kick some ass this week? Oh good. We are too. Are we crazy to be this enthusiastic and fired up on a Monday? No we’re not. We know because we took a cognitive test. Just kidding. No one has ever asked us to do that. Makes you wonder what kind of person would be asked to do that. Oh right…

Will someone please get this lunatic a trophy for passing this test so he’ll shut the fuck up about it? Actually don’t. Because the whole thing seems fishy to us. So here now to clear things up are a lion, a giraffe, a whale and a shark…

TBS: Welcome! Thank you for joining us.

A lion, a giraffe, a whale and a shark: Thanks, guys. We’re all big fans.

TBS: Appreciate that. So is Trump right? Did he ace his test and identify y’all correctly?

Lion: Oh god no. This motherfucker is dangerous. He thought I was Marla Maples.

Giraffe: He is seriously deranged. Kept calling me Geoffrey. Who the fuck is Geoffrey?

A whale: He spent 15 minutes talking to me about a rigged election. I’m a whale. I don’t even know what an election is. I also didn’t like how he eyed my blowhole. Gave me the creeps.

Shark: He actually did recognize me, but we ate some swimmers together back in the day. I’m not proud of it.

TBS: Um ok. Gosh. So y’all don’t think he should be president?

A lion, a giraffe, a whale and a shark: We don’t even think he should be dinner.

There you have it. A lion, a giraffe, a whale and a shark wouldn’t even eat Trump let alone vote for him for president. Do we really need to say more? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Anyone else totally stuck on the image of a giraffe eating Trump?

Note three: If you only read one thing we share today, please make it this. And please join us in sending love to Cecile Richards. More The Cut

Note four: President Biden is promising a strong response after a weekend drone strike in Jordan killed three US troops and wounded many more. The president blamed the attack on an Iran-backed militia. Republicans want us to go to war with Iran. But they’ve wanted that for a while. More: HuffPost

Note five: According to Gallup, 70 percent of Americans say they are not willing to vote for a presidential candidate who a jury convicted of a felony. Seems like bad news for the guy with 91 indictments. More: The Hill

Note six: It sure seems to us like it should be a bigger story that the Trump White House was totally on drugs. And not in like a cool way.

Note seven: In case y’all are wondering, we love all this Taylor Swift Super Bowl stuff and think it will be fun as hell. Especially the part where all the MAGA men lose their shit. We hear her boyfriend is pretty good too. More: People

Note eight: We know we’ve said this before, but Rudy Giuliani should stop talking. If he sewed his mouth shut and just walked around the rest of his life with his pants at his ankles and that hair-dye diarrhea running down his face it would somehow be more dignified than his gross ass is right now. And, y’all, that would not be dignified. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump is continuing his efforts to wreck the bipartisan Senate border deal. When he succeeds, we sure hope America sees that these assholes don’t really want to do anything about immigration other than campaign against it. And be suuuuuuuuper racist. More: Business Insider

Note 10: Joe Biden is getting the band back together this spring with a fundraiser featuring him, Obama and Bill Clinton. George W. Bush will probably be painting or some shit. More: NBC

Note 11: It’s honestly shocking sometimes how vicious this account can be and we are so goddamn here for it. Git ‘em, Dark Brandon.

Note 12: Just in case you were wondering, Joe Manchin is still out there being the fucking worst. More: Mediaite

Note 13: It was reported over the weekend that Trump’s team has reached out to RFK Jr. about being his running mate. What do you get when you cross Trump with an anti-vaxxer? A shitload of diseases. More: USA Today

Note 14: Nikki Haley is still running for president. She’s not gonna win, but it sure is fun watching her drive Trump (further) insane. More: CNBC

Note 15: Congratulations or some shit to Lindsey Graham…

Note 16: We are just heartbroken to see Snoop Dogg become a Trump guy. Another hero goes down. More: The Hill

Note 17: Kari Lake got booed this weekend. This is what happens when she occasionally leaves Mar-a-Lago to visit Arizona. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We just need to say to the people of Detroit that we are sooooooo sorry. Really thought your Lions had this. Y’all hang in there.

Note 19: We’re just gonna put this right here and congratulate y’all on being fucking geniuses…

Note 20: And on that reassuring note, let’s go do some news! We just know y’all are gonna have a great week. How do we know? Because we’re super fucking smart. Because we cuss so much. Love y’all!

Hit him again!

That was fun! Let’s do it again! We’re talking of course about Trump getting smacked with a massive verdict that will hurt his probably broke ass severely. We’ll talk more about E. Jean Carroll and Trump’s smaller bank account in a second, but for now we just want to put it on your radar screen that we could also see a verdict this week in Trump’s fraud trial. Remember that Letitia James is asking for $370 million. Let’s hope she gets it.

More: The Hill

Deja stupid

Stop us if you’ve heard this before — House Republicans are about to impeach someone who hasn’t done anything wrong. Yeah this week they’re impeaching DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. They’re mad because he’s actually following the constitution. This is a joke and pretty much everyone knows it. Because it sure seems like people who care about the border this much might actually pass some fucking legislation to do something about it.

More: NBC

THANK YOU, E. JEAN CARROLL

You no doubt saw it on Friday when a jury said that Trump should pay $83.3 million to E. Jean Carroll for defaming her after he sexually abused her. What Trump did and has done to that woman is fucking disgusting and watching her stand up to him and his army of thugs has been to watch a study in courage and resolve. We are enormously grateful to E. Jean for doing what far too few have done since Trump came down that escalator. We hope that fucking asshole will finally leave her alone.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

The Oklahoma Republican Party approved a resolution over the weekend condemning and censuring Sen. James Lankford, the state’s senior senator, for his role in the ongoing bipartisan border negotiations in Congress. More: CNN

Gov. Kristi Noem (R-S.D.) encouraged the state of Texas to continue its standoff with the federal government during an interview on CNN’s “State of the Union” on Sunday. More: HuffPost