12.8.23 So scary

Be advised: This newsletter uses adult language. In a very childish way.

Note: Sexy Patriots! You did it! It’s Friday! The weekend is upon us, and we know y’all are gonna be on your best behavior and not get arrested. Right? Oh well. Do what you want. It’s a free country. For now. And really, we should give some serious thought to keeping it that way before some dumb orange shithead comes and locks us all up for making fun of his little weiner and stuff. One way to do that is to keep winning elections. And there’s one election in particular we’d like to talk to you about today — the George Santos seat.

Look, Tom Suozzi seems cool. It’s not like we’re best buddies, but we know he would do a good job. But the larger point here is we have to win this fucking seat so we don’t all die of embarrassment. The last guy to win this thing was a total fucking con artist criminal who was so fucked up that even the party of Jan. 6 and Donald Trump couldn’t stand him. Do you know how much of a mess you have to be to get kicked out of a party that’s friends with actual goddamn nazis? And the line-up to replace Santos on the GOP side is just as fucked up as he was.

We’re not kidding. One dude running was convicted of Jan. 6 stuff THIS FUCKING WEEK. And the best part? He testified he didn’t know Congress met in the Capitol. Seriously. We cannot lose to people like this. We’ll have to move to another school, change our names and start all over.

So yeah, the special election is Feb. 13. Tom Suozzi is our candidate. Let’s win this thing. For America. For democracy. And for our basic goddamn sense of pride. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC

Note two: Hey, do you like Kentucky accents cussing about politics and the news? Of course you do. Ok well maybe not. But we know you like Today’s Big Stuff and a great way to help us keep this newsletter rocking and rolling is to subscribe to our podcast — This Week’s Big Stuff. It’s a short weekly roundup of the news in classic TBS style. Join us! This week, we say a surprising but heartfelt thank you to Kevin McCarthy.

Note three: Everyone is talking about Hunter Biden but it sure looks like Sen. Kevin Cramer’s kid killed a cop. Pretty newsworthy, right? More: AP

Note four: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section, but Joe “Joey Jobs” Biden is the best jobs president of our lifetimes and that is something we should be repeating over and over and over again.

Note five: Well this is fucking horrible and exactly what we expected. Also, this is from Fox News.

Note six: So we got A LOT of emails yesterday about our twitter/threads conundrum. And we’re still not sure what to do. Y’all made so many good arguments for both to the point that we put on a movie so we could stop trying to figure it out. For now we’re gonna stick with a hybrid of tweets and threads, making nobody happy but hopefully not missing any news. We’ll come up with a formal policy in the new year. Wait. Formal policy sounds way too fancy for a newsletter that cusses this much.

Note seven: GOP Rep. Brandon Williams says that someone who worked for him led an effort to expose his daughter’s OnlyFans account. Which to be fair is way better than killing a cop. Hey maybe these fuckers should stop lecturing the rest of us on parenting. More: Politico

Note eight: This is one of those news items that is both hilarious and infuriating. So it’s hilariating. A Jan. 6er was getting sentenced yesterday when he invoked Vivek Ramaswamy’s bullshit claim that the sixth was an inside job. Then the dumbfuck got 11 years in prison. Not Vivek. The other guy. But Vivek sucks too. More: AP

Note nine: Remember when we were told that organized retail theft was super widespread and destroying the economy and society? Well that was bullshit. More: Reuters

Note 10: JD Vance wants DOJ to investigate a Washington Post columnist over a column he didn’t like. Yeah, JD doesn’t really get how this whole America thing works. But good to know what a total psycho he is. More: Daily Kos

Note 11: LOLOL. We mentioned earlier that this week’s podcast thanks Kevin McCarthy and y’all probably thought we’d lost our minds. But look at shit like this and tell you’re not gonna miss this boob.

Note 12: ABC and CNN are going to host Republican debates next year. Um why? Is anybody actually watching this silly shit? More: HuffPost

Note 13: Elon Musk warned Taylor Swift that her popularity will take a hit after being named Time’s Person of the Year. Um, Elon, that ain’t why people hate you, bro. It’s the racist nazi shit and the fact that you destroyed twitter. Also you just kinda seem like an asshole and didn’t write Anti-hero. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Congrats to Ohio, which is now a legal weed state. Can you smoke a buckeye? More: Politico

Note 15: This is how you do it. We don’t know about y’all, but we find extra encouragement and hope in seeing the Moms for Liberty crowd getting their asses handed to them all over the country. Maybe we should rephrase that.

Note 16: We have to admit that we missed this stuff about these university presidents are first. But yikes. How you gonna get fucked up by Elise Stefanik? More: HuffPost

Note 17: NYC Mayor Eric Adams has a 28 percent approval rating. Ouch. Maybe he should stop acting like a Republican. More: Politico

Note 18: Damn. Even this little shit is saying Republicans don’t have any evidence for impeachment. Is it crazy that we’re kinda hoping Republicans go down this dumbass road?

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note, so today’s is that House Republicans are thinking about expelling Matt Gaetz. It’s a no-brainer and they should do it but they won’t because Trump likes him and that’s all that matters in the GOP these days. Still, it’s nice to think about. More: USA Today

Note 20: And on that hopeful note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a great week. And if not, we hope you’re able to keep a song in your heart and a twinkle in your eye. And if still not, then just tell someone to fuck off. It’ll probably make you feel better. Love y’all!

So fucking scary

So yesterday a Texas judge said that Kate Cox can legally have an abortion after finding that he fetus has a genetic issue that would likely lead to the baby’s death and and possibly put Cox’s health at risk. Yes, it is insanely fucked up that this woman had to go to a judge to get permission to protect her own health like this. But you know what’s even more fucked up? Texas AG Ken Paxton responded to the ruling by putting out a letter that warned any healthcare providers that the ruling doesn't make them immune from prosecution if they help Cox get her abortion. This is fucking insane, and if the GOP gets its way, it’s coming to your state too.

More: NBC

Hunted

Hunter Biden said on Moby’s podcast — wait, Hunter Biden and Moby are friends? — that Republicans are going after him because they want to kill him so his dad will be so grief-stricken it will end his presidency. And really it’s hard to argue with that after some of the shit we’ve seen them pull. Yesterday Hunter was indicted on nine tax charges in California. That’s a big story sure. But maybe the bigger story is that Trump directed this action and the president’s son is being singled out because he’s the president’s son. Look, we don’t know this dude and don’t really give a shit what happens to him. If he did crimes, lock him up. We ain’t a cult. But it sure seems like he gets more crap thrown at him that Javanka did for doing soooooooo much worse.

More: AP

WOW!!!!

It’s official — Joe Biden is the greatest jobs president of maybe all time. We got another stellar report today as last month the economy added 199,000 jobs and the unemployment rate ticked down to 3.7 percent. Economists had been expecting 185,000. They always get it wrong, don’t they? Anyway, Biden has now overseen the creation of more than 14 million(!) jobs, which is of course a record. It’s also almost 5 million more jobs than there were pre-pandemic. And the best part is that Biden has done this by focusing on the middle class and building out instead of starting at the top and trickling down. We’ve got a helluva story to tell about the economy, y’all. So let’s tell it!

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

Supreme Court justices are scheduled on Friday to discuss whether to take up a high-stakes legal fight that could result in a definitive decision on federal approval of the drug most commonly used for medication abortion. More: CNBC

Elon Musk on Thursday called for the firing of Bob Iger, escalating his attacks on the Disney CEO over the entertainment company’s decision to temporarily suspend advertising on X, formerly Twitter, over an antisemitic post by the tech billionaire. More: HuffPost