12.7.23 Bunch of fakers

Be advised: This newsletter uses A LOT of profanity. It probably uses other kinds of words too but we haven’t checked lately.

Note: So, Sexy Patriots, we’ve gotta ask — are we the only ones freaked the fuck out by MAGA Mike Johnson? Or worse — are we the only ones who know who he is? Because it sure is hard to tell the American people what a creepy a-hole this dude is when they have no idea who he is. The whole blur-the-faces-of-domestic-terrorists routine was a good start, but people need to know what a total creepshow is running things these days. Just look at this crazy shit!

WHAT?! Ok y’all know where we’re going with this. Here now is our interview with Moses…

TBS: Moses, thank you so much for joining us. And for those commandments.

Moses: No problem! Big fan of the newsletter, guys. Thanks for having me.

TBS: Our pleasure. So do you think Mike Johnson is like you?

Moses: Who the fuck is Mike Johnson? Sounds made up.

TBS: It does, doesn’t it? Anyway, he’s the new Speaker of the House and he says he’s just like you.

Moses: Oh sweet fancy me. Yeah I know who you’re talking about. Total creep who talks porn with his son, right? That dude ain’t nothing like me.

TBS: So you don’t think he’s gonna part the Red Sea?

Moses: I’m surprised he can part his own fucking hair. Where do y’all find these freaks?

TBS: The Republican Party, sir. Well thanks for joining us and clearing that up.

Moses: No problem. Thou shalt keep cussing out politicians.

TBS: You got it!

Ok so now we know that MAGA Mike isn’t just like Moses. But we already suspected as much. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We should probably cut back on all the blasphemy for the next few weeks. Don’t want coal in our stockings. That’s how that works, right?

Note three: Should we recap the GOP presidential debate or are we all on the same page of not giving two shits? Ok cool. No two shits it is.

Note four: James Comer is threatening Hunter Biden with contempt. So yes this can and will get so much dumber. The same is true of Comer. More: HuffPost

Note five: Dark Brandon is really on a roll lately…

Note six: The ghouls at Moms for Liberty are tearing each other apart. They seem to hate each other more than they hate books, learning and freedom. And they really hate books, learning and freedom. Yeah, it’s the only threesome they can’t stand. More: HuffPost

Note seven: CNN says the House Ethics Committee investigation into Matt Gaetz is still happening. Seems like the damn thing has been going on for more than 18 years, and that’s when Gaetz loses interest. Oof. Sorry. More: CNN

Note eight: You won’t see any WaPo links in today’s TBS. Their reporters and workers are on strike. And we usually don’t use them anyway because of their paywalls and both-sides bullshit. But still, y’all know we always have the backs of striking workers. More: NPR

Note nine: There was another shooting yesterday. This time at UNLV. We really want to live like this, America? More: HuffPost

Note 10: The right-wing freaks sure don’t like Taylor Swift. Probably because she’s another women who won’t talk to them.

Note 11: Ok fine, we’ll talk about the debate. Vivek Ramaswamy is a total asshole, Nikki Haley is an anti-gay bigot and Ron DeSantis is… well… lol just a sad sad loser. More: HuffPost

Note 13: And yes, it was super fucked up that one of Trump’s coup co-conspirators got to ask a question. On the bright side, who gives a shit about this debate? More: HuffPost

Note 14: We still don’t like Chris Christie.

Note 15: We hesitated on whether to share this story because a. It’s some insidery bullshit and b. It’s fucking terrifying. But this is what the Beltway crowd is hearing about the Trump team for a second term. You’re gonna want to keep a change of underwear nearby as you read it. More: Axios

Note 16: Oh look, Obamacare is polling at record highs. Seems like a great time for a total moron to talk about repealing it again. So keep running your mouth, Orangey.

Note 17: Y’all, we are really torn on this twitter and threads thing. Y’all seem to be in two camps here. One wants us to say goodbye to Nazi Fuckhead Elon and embrace Threads. One wants us to stay on Twitter and fight and not give ground to the aforementioned Nazi Fuckhead. If you have thoughts, shoot us a note and we’ll try to figure this shit out.

Note 18: Hey btw Joe Biden forgave a shitload more student loans yesterday. The folks complaining he hasn’t done more of this seem to think he has a magic wand. More: CNN

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, and we can’t think of anything happier than wishing y’all a HAPPY HANUKKAH!!!!!

Note 20: And on that festive note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you folks didn’t watch that debate last night, but if you did, we hope you’ve managed to forget almost all of it by today. Because those people are some real assholes. Love y’all!

Bunch of fakers

Yesterday was a big day in fake elector news. In Wisconsin, Trump’s fake electors — or as we like to call them they scummy fuckheads who tried to overturn a US election — agreed to a settlement which includes them not serving as electors again and agreeing that Joe Biden won the election. So yeah they totally got a fucking pass. But in Nevada, the state AG and a grand jury indicted six fake electors, including the state party chair, on felony charges. Let’s hope Nevada isn’t as lenient on this shit as Wisconsin apparently is. We’re mostly kidding as the Wisconsin thing was a civil suit. Still, lock them up.

More: AP, CNN

Putin’s pals

Well they went ahead and did it. Senate Republicans yesterday filibustered an aid package for Ukraine and Israel. They’re demanding Biden do some Trumpy shit on the border or they won’t pass it. But really they just want to keep helping their buddy Putin and that’s some truly fucked up shit. Biden made clear yesterday he’s ready to make a deal on the border but we’re guessing the GOP won’t take yes for an answer. If you’re angry about this, well, we are too.

More: HuffPost

Bye, whoever-the-fuck-you-are

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!! Kevin McCarthy is taking his ball and going home. Yeah, the loser who needed 15 votes to become Speaker of the House and then got booted by his own party like 20 minutes later announced yesterday that he is leaving Congress at the end of this year. To be fair, we would do the same thing if we’d gotten owned by Matt Gaetz, but this shit is pathetic even for Kevin McCarthy. And that dude is Mr. Pathetic. So please join us in laughing at Kevin and then totally forgetting who he was. We know you already are.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Fulton county prosecutors have signaled they want prison sentences in the Georgia criminal case against Donald Trump and his top allies for allegedly violating the racketeering statute as part of efforts to overturn the 2020 election results, according to exchanges in private emails. More: Guardian

The House voted to advance a GOP-led resolution on Wednesday to censure Democratic Rep. Jamaal Bowman of New York for triggering a fire alarm in a House office building when there was not an emergency. A final vote on whether to pass the censure resolution is expected to take place Thursday. More: CNN