1.26.24 Pizza Gaetz

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. When you read the opening note, you’ll be reminded why.

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots, and welcome to Friday! Before we split for the weekend, we’d like to introduce you to a giant fuckhead. Sound good? Of course. Who doesn’t want to meet a giant fuckhead? Well here ya go…

Seriously, dude? We don’t know state Rep. Joel Kitchens. We’ve never met him. But we’re pretty sure this man has had lots and lots of sex with animals. Animals of all shapes and sizes. He was a young man when he realized that nobody wanted to have sex with him so he started humping dead squirrels that had been flattened by cars. Then he couldn’t stop. Every day he was having sex with dead squirrels. Sometime several times a day. He became a veterinarian as a cover for his fucked up desires. And even now, the man considers himself an amateur taxidermist because he just can’t stop stuffing dead animals.

Now is any of that true? Who knows? What we do know is anybody fucking stupid enough to say shit like that is also craven enough to have sex with dead animals. So today we’d like to suggest Rep. Kitchens give the dead squirrels a break and instead go fuck himself. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you enjoyed that unhinged yet righteous rant, then please subscribe to our podcast. A new episode is out today and Adam and Sam are fired up! And by subscribing, you’ll be helping to keep this fucked up newsletter going. And doesn’t everybody want that? More: Patreon

Note three: While we were writing this morning, the closing arguments in the E. Jean Carroll trial were going down. Trump couldn’t take it so he got up and left. His lawyer was threatened with lock up. Yesterday he testified for three minutes and most of it was stricken. But other than that, things seem to be going pretty terrible for him. More: CNBC

Note four: Last night America killed a man legally and inhumanely. The pro-life fuckers struck again. More: Guardian

Note five: Thank goodness these assholes are bringing back law and order…

Note six: We were gonna save this for the happy news last note, but did y’all know that Kirsten Sinema hasn’t started gathering signatures yet to get on the ballot? Are we really lucky enough that she might just go the fuck away? Fingers crossed. More: TPM

Note seven: Marianne Williamson is thinking about dropping out of the presidential race. This will come as a huge shock to the many many many Americans who had no idea who she is or that she is running. More: The Hill

Note eight: Missouri Republicans hate each other so much they’re thinking about making it ok to challenge each other to duels. We hate political violence but as long as they promise to only use this on each other then we’ll allow it. More: KansasCity.com

Note nine: Yippee!!! A judge said that Smartmatic’s case against Fox over its election lies can go forward. Let’s hope they don’t settle. More: NBC

Note 10: Gavin Newsom isn’t hungry because he just ate Republicans’ lunch again.

Note 11: We don’t like that they remade Road House. We didn’t like when they remade Red Dawn or Point Break either. Who the fuck in Hollywood is trying to erase Patrick Swazye and why do they hate America? More: HuffPost

Note 12: A Reagan-appointed judge is furious Republicans are trying to downplay what happened on Jan. 6. We are too and we weren’t appointed by Reagan to anything. More: NBC

Note 13: Mittens Romney is furious that Trump sabotaged the Senate border deal. But knowing Mittens, he’ll turn around and praise it five minutes from now. More: MSNBC

Note 14: Nikki Haley said that Trump is “totally unhinged.” Does she not know that will only make Republicans like him more? More: Mediaite

Note 15: We’re gonna do a news item about this but we just think this is fucking hilarious…

Note 16: Trump is upset that Biden keeps calling him a loser. He should also be upset that he is a loser. More: Mediaite

Note 17: Even Larry Kudlow is praising the Biden economy. If that dumb motherfucker can be convinced, anyone can. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Today is the Apollo Theater’s 90th birthday. We just saw that and thought it was cool. Happy birthday! More: Apollo Theater

Note 19: Y’all know we love to end on a happy note and today we’d like to congratulate our friends at MeidasTouch for reaching 2 million YouTube subscribers. Much of the media is dying and the New York Times is sucking, so it’s damn impressive and welcome to see these guys thriving. Congrats!!!

Bye, Pete

Trump aide Peter Navarro might be going to prison. Yesterday Navarro was sentenced to four years in the clink for refusing to honor a subpoena from the Jan. 6 committee. Navarro has already filed a notice of appeal and he’s openly banking on the Supreme Court to save his gross bacon. Who knows what this broken and corrupt court will do, but we would sure like to see this little fucker rot.

More: Politico

Pizza Gaetz

So why did Matt Gaetz have it in for Kevin McCarthy? Because McCarthy had the House Ethics Committee looking into allegations that the venmo guy is a child rapist. And the entire House Republican caucus backed Gaetz. So here’s a question — HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT A BIGGER STORY?! SERIOUSLY! WHY DOESN’T THE NEW YORK TIMES GIVE A RAT’S ASS ABOUT THIS EXPLOSIVE HORRIFYING SHIT?!

More: RawStory

Not so civil

So Fox News and the nation’s Republican governors are increasingly pushing for a civil war. That’s not hyperbole, folks. Shit is getting scary down in Texas as Gov. Greg Abbott continues to defy the Supreme Court and refuses to let federal border agents pass national guard troops to remove razor wire. This is just as fucked up as it sounds. Trump wants Americans to fight each other, and his party is happy to help him achieve that. And please keep in mind that while this is happening, Washington Republicans are refusing to pass any actual legislation to address the border. They prefer the spectacle. They prefer violence.

More: Daily Beast

Today’s clips

House Speaker Mike Johnson is warning in a new letter that the emerging border deal is “dead on arrival” in his chamber if it resembles anything close to what has been reported, while also announcing that the House will soon vote to make Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas the second Cabinet secretary in history to be impeached. More: CNN

Pornographic, AI-generated images of the world’s most famous star spread across social media this week, underscoring the damaging potential posed by mainstream artificial intelligence technology: its ability to create convincingly real and damaging images. More: CNN

The International Court of Justice on Friday issued a stunning initial ruling in South Africa’s legal challenge to Israel’s devastating U.S.-backed military offensive in Gaza — acknowledging that there is a plausible risk of Israel committing genocide there and issuing six orders for a change in Israel’s conduct as it combats the Gaza-based Palestinian militant group Hamas. More: HuffPost