12.6.23 Jan sick

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like the Speaker of the House is a goddamn terrorist sympathizer.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s Hump Day! And you know what that means… well actually it just means that it’s Wednesday. So get your minds out of the gutter. Or leave them there. Y’all know we love you either way. Just like we love our amazing Vice President who had the dubious honor of breaking a fucked up record yesterday as the VP to break the most Senate ties since John fucking Calhoun like 200 years ago…

Yeah, we’re happy to see the VP in the record books but we’re not sure this is one you’re really supposed to celebrate. We don’t think the VP was either. In fact, we got our hands on the remarks she had planned to give after Schumer gave her that golden gavel…

VP Harris: Thanks, Chuck! Wow. What an honor. It’s funny to think that if I were to hit myself in the head with this golden gavel about a hundred times, then I would be just as smart as many Senators are now. What a goddamn disgrace this place is. Did y’all know there’s a US fucking Senator named Markwayne? It’s not even two separate names. It’s pushed together like his family tree. What a bunch of idiots. Like seriously I had to come up here and break a million ties because why? Josh Hawley was too busy peeing himself to do the right thing? Because Tommy Tuberville couldn’t stop sucking for like five fucking minutes? Is Joe Manchin here? Hey Joe. Get fucked, asshole. Aren’t you gone yet? Anyway, thanks for wasting my time with this silly shit when y’all could’ve just done the right thing every time. Dumbasses.

We don’t know about y’all, but we think she should’ve stuck with this version. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Sad news as Norman Lear has died. RIP to a genius. Our favorite was probably The Jeffersons, but there are really no wrong answers here. More: Variety

Note three: And congratulations to Taylor Swift, Time’s Person of the Year. This was a no-brainer. Congrats to Taylor and all the Swifties out there. More: TIME

Note four: Marjorie Taylor Greene is accusing another GOP Rep. of getting physical with her. These people sure know how to act in public. More: CNN

Note five: Rep. Jasmine Crockett was on fire yesterday. But that’s kind of her thing.

Note six: Mike Pence has been added to the witness list for Georgia prosecutors. You know he’s gonna have to ask mother’s permission to testify. And his son’s. And probably Dan Quayle for some reason. More: CNN

Note seven: The legal effort to keep Trump off the ballot in Colorado goes before the state Supreme Court today. We have admittedly been pretty skeptical of this route from the beginning, but more power to the people trying their damndest. More: Politico

Note eight: We’re loving your holiday music takes and suggestions. Keep ‘em coming!

Note nine: Look, y’all know how much we’ve struggled to sound smart about the Israel-Gaza war. But goddamnit it is not even a little difficult to condemn sexual violence and rape as a weapon. That shit is pure fucking evil and should be called as much. Period. More: CNN

Note 10: Yikes…

Note 11: We have a date for the election to replace George Santos. On Feb. 13, 2024, voters in Santos’s district will try to do better. More: CNBC

Note 12: Schumer is demanding Rep. Thomas Massie remove an antisemitic social media post he put up yesterday. If you know anything about Massie, this is the least surprising shit ever. More: CNN

Note 13: Congratulations to Peggy Flanagan, the lieutenant governor of Minnesota, the new chair of the Democratic Lieutenant Governors Association and the first Native American to lead a national party committee. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Gym Jordan is still fucking with Fani Willis. It’s amazing how his whole damn job is to protect Trump and the press acts like it’s the most normal shit in the world. More: AJC

Note 15: This seems like the kind of horrifying batshit insane stuff we should all be taking quite seriously…

Note 16: Rep. Patrick McHenry announced he won’t run for re-election. Are we wrong or wasn’t that dude just Speaker of the House for like 15 minutes? More: NBC

Note 17: Republicans are going to vote next week to impeach Joe Biden. They have no evidence he did anything wrong. Who’s ready to make them eat this dumbass move? More: CNBC

Note 18: Jack Smith is still out there. He’s still coming for Trump. Godspeed. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note but we just remembered there’s a Republican presidential debate tonight and we hadn’t mentioned it. So maybe the happiness comes from deciding not to watch that dumb shit. More: NPR

Note 20: And on that unhappy note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a wonderful week. We hope you’re already in a festive holiday mood. And we hope you don’t have to watch that debate tonight. Love y’all!

Jan sick

Speaker of the House MAGA Mike Johnson was part of the coup attempt against the United States in 2021, and he is still doing his best to cover it up. Yesterday in a press conference, Johnson said that when they released security footage from Jan. 6 they blurred out the terrorists faces so DOJ couldn’t prosecute them. Yes, that does sound like obstruction. It also sounds like MAGA Mike is trying to protect the people who attacked our Capitol. Perhaps realizing how awful he sounded, Mike sent out his Trumpy spokesman later to say that DOJ already has access to the unedited footage and they’re actually just trying to protect the terrorists from regular citizens. Yes, all of this is very very bad.

More: NBC

Fuck off, Tommy

After months of painful dumbfuckery, Sen. Tommy Tuberville has finally dropped his hold on hundreds of military promotions. Sen. Chuck Schumer was able to pass them all yesterday with no objection. Schumer had managed to rally Republicans around a resolution to end Tuberville’s bullshit, forcing the Alabama senator’s surrender. Of course because Tuberville sucks it’s not quite that simple. He’s still denying promotions to some four-stars. Probably to keep them open for Trump loyalists. Anyway, Republicans hate the troops.

More: AP

Listen to him

So last night on a Hannity townhall, Trump was asked twice if he would be a lawless dictator if he gets back in office. The first time he didn’t answer. The second time he said yes but only on Day One. Fox News has spent the morning laughing it off. We are sure as hell not laughing. It’s pretty fucking clear Trump wants to be president again to save his own ass and punish everyone who hates him. This is about the scariest shit we’ve ever seen in politics, and we’re hoping like hell that other people are paying attention.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

A pregnant Texas woman who says her unborn baby has a genetic condition and carrying the child to term could threaten her life filed suit against the state Tuesday, asking a court to declare she has the right to terminate the pregnancy. More: CNN

A classified briefing Tuesday on Ukraine devolved into a shouting match about border security as senators described a tense meeting that did little to break the Senate’s stalemate over whether to include tighter immigration policies in the aid package. More: CNN