12.5.23 Bernie breaks

It’s Tuesday. There are 336 days until the presidential election. Bernie opposes Israel funding, Liz Cheney starts making us nervous and please don’t give George Santos money.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it’s about to be impeached for some stupid shit.

Note: Brace yourselves, Sexy Patriots. We’ve got some bad news. Our very own Sam Youngman is about to be impeached. We know what you’re thinking — TBS, you’re so hot but how can you impeach someone who isn’t in office and who the fuck is Sam Youngman?

These are all good and reasonable questions. Sam is one of the people who writes this thing every morning. He’s also the irredeemable piece of shit who committed impeachable crimes when he was 16 years old. We’re shocked too. We had no idea. We only just yesterday learned that apparently it is an impeachable offense to get a loan from your parents to buy a truck. And Sam’s case is even worse. His late mother actually gave him a 1983 Ford Ranger when he turned the legal driving age. He named it “Freedom.” Lock that sonofabitch up, right?

Wow. Or LOL. So yeah either Sam is a criminal who should be impeached too or James Comer is a total fucking idiot making an absolute goddamn fool of himself. Could it be the latter? Yes. Could it be the former? Also probably yes. But we’re going with Comer is a fucking idiot and there’s a whole shitload of evidence to back it up.

The truth is these dumbshits ain’t got nuthin’ on Biden and we know they’ve really been looking. Hell they were even going through is son’s dick pics and this is still the best they’ve got. So for the millionth time, we are straight up daring House Republicans to go down this dumbass road and impeach Joe Biden. And they can impeach Sam while they’re at it. He probably deserves it more than Biden does. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’ve seen your emails asking us to stop using twitter on here. We want you to know we’re working on it. We think Elon sucks worm butt and we’re really trying to wean ourselves off that blue bird. Old habits just die hard. We appreciate y’all being patient with us while we move toward Threads.

Note three: If you’re still upset that Doug Burgum dropped out of the Republican presidential race yesterday, you’re not alone. Oh wait. Yeah you are. More: AP

Note four: The COP28 climate summit has been a total fucking joke. We never thought it would be anything but a joke so this might be the first time we’re mentioning. Climate change on the other hand is definitely not a joke and it would be fucking awesome if the adults would start taking it seriously. More: CNN

Note five: If you want to know the real reason Republicans are going to vote to impeach Joe Biden, it’s this. It’s really just this.

Note six: Are we the only ones who had no idea there’s a Republican presidential debate this week? If you can name all four of the candidates debating then you get to poll higher than all of them. More: NBC

Note seven: Rick Scott is demanding answers on why Florida State was left out of the college football playoffs. Yes it’s dumb but if it distracts him from coming after our social security and Medicare then we’re cool with it. More: Politico

Note eight: It says a lot about 2023 America that stories about child labor don’t make any waves at all. And it sure as hell don’t say anything good. More: NBC

Note nine: Congratulations to the Biden White House on confirming its 160th judge yesterday. They are making the bench look like America does, and it is way overdue. More: Reuters

Note 10: It probably goes without saying that we don’t like Marjorie Taylor Greene. But we sure do appreciate her making this ad for us. Oh and for making clear just how dumb and desperate the Republican Party is these days.

Note 11: Henry Kissinger is still dead.

Note 12: All the cable news networks are saying they won’t hire George Santos. And we really want to believe them, but we’ve been burned before. More: HuffPost

Note 13: How corrupt and dangerous are Wisconsin Republicans? Well they want to get rid of the state elections commission and put themselves in charge of counting votes. Yes, that is extremely fucked up. More: Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Note 14: Have y’all started watching holiday movies yet or are we the only ones who are like a week, 50 gallons of hot chocolate and three watches of Die Hard in already?

Note 15: We understand that people are hurting and shit costs a fortune. Like not actual shit but you know what we mean. Still, these numbers are insanely good and we should really be talking about them A LOT.

Note 16: Did y’all see the video of that house in Virginia blowing up?! Crazy! While we’re tempted to make some Ron DeSantis jokes, it looks pretty awful so we’ll just shut the fuck up for now. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We must admit that even though we find it super confusing, we’ve enjoyed the hell out of the NBA in-season tournament.

Note 18: Sigh. Bob Menendez and his gold bars. He’s like our George Santos. Ok not really but still dude needs to resign. More: NBC

Note 19: We couldn’t really find any happy news to end on so instead here’s a story about modern Christmas songs. What do you think? Dig this or sticking with the classics? For us it doesn’t get any better than Bowie and Bing Crosby singing Little Drummer Boy. Or Eric Cartman from South Park singing O Holy Night. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that festive note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to a great start. Or at least better than Sam’s. If you are also going to be impeached, we’re sorry to hear it. Hang in there and bet that the dumb sonsofbitches coming to impeach you will probably step on a rake. Love y’all!

Bernie breaks

Bernie Sanders announced yesterday he will oppose funding for Israel because of what he says are war crimes against civilians in Gaza. We’re seeing and hearing this more and more about the indiscriminate killing of non-bad guys in Gaza and we have to say we get it. We also have to say how fucking angry and disgusted we are when we read about gang rapes and beheadings of innocent Israelis. We also think Netanyahu is basically Trump. ARGHHHH!!!!! Frankly every last goddamn bit of all of this makes us sick. We seriously fucking hate it all. We hate what we’re hearing and learning, we hate seeing our friends hurting and we hate seeing innocent people die. Fuck! Anyway, it’s fair to wonder if Bernie will be the only person on the left who votes this way. And if not, then what does it mean for the aid package?

More: HuffPost

Don’t feed the clown

So y’all know we love us some John Fetterman around here. And we even like his nonstop effort to get Democratic Sen. Bob Menendez to resign from the Senate. But there is never a good reason to give George Santos money. If you missed it yesterday, Santos, fresh off getting his botoxed ass kicked out of Congress, went on Cameo and started charging people to record a message. Yeah, this is only the beginning, y’all. He’s going to make a fortune doing this dumb shit and being a famous idiot. But we don’t have to help him. So while it’s tempting to send him a couple hundred bucks to hear him say he eats toe jam and likes it, please try to refrain.

More: AP 

Don’t do it, Liz

We have to admit we struggle with Liz Cheney. On the one hand we’re damn grateful to her for standing up to her party after Jan. 6 and her ongoing efforts to stop Trump from being president again. On the other hand, she’s a Cheney. And frankly, we’ve always been kinda worried she’d find a way to screw us over at some point. And that’s exactly what she’ll be doing if she makes a third-party run, which the Washington Post reports today she is thinking about doing. So yeah, it’s like the old proverb says — you can’t trust a Cheney for shit.

Today’s clips

One of Donald Trump’s co-defendants in the Georgia election subversion case, Trevian Kutti, posted a video to Instagram last month in which she appeared to make disparaging remarks about a witness in the case. The Fulton County district attorney’s office is now considering whether to try to get Kutti’s bond revoked, according to a source familiar with the situation, by arguing her remarks on the Instagram Live video violated the terms. More: CNN

President Joe Biden sets off on a fundraising sprint Tuesday as he looks to tap into wealthy donor networks ahead of an expensive campaign year ahead. More: CNN