1.24.24 Getting scary

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it just lost to a guy who wasn’t even on the fucking ballot.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! Want to be bummed out? Awesome! So over the last couple days, we saw a lot of shit out of New Hampshire that made us feel better about Trump’s strength as a presidential candidate. It made us feel warm and fuzzy in places that we haven’t felt warm and fuzzy in for a while. Who doesn’t love a Nikki Haley voter warning about Trump being an “existential threat” to democracy or watching the orange anus about explode with rage at his low vote total?

We get it. We need to believe the Republican Party isn’t as bad and dangerous as it actually is. We want to believe there are disaffected GOP voters who have finally had enough. And we definitely should be reaching out to them. But we also need to stay clear-eyed about what we’re up against. Trump was playing golf while letting 3,500 Americans die a day as the economy cratered and 74 million people still voted for his deranged ass. So here’s a handy little flash card you can print out and use anytime you think the GOP is ready to move on from Trump…

A jury found him liable for rape.

They don’t care.

He attacked the US Capitol to overturn the presidential election.

They don’t care.

He had the worst jobs record since Herbert Hoover.

They don’t care.

He mishandled a deadly pandemic, makes fun of the disabled, does all kinds of racist shit, does all kinds of sexist shit, is dumber than a sack of hammers, compromised by like a dozen hostile countries and smells like rotting butt cheek in the hot summer sun.

They don’t care.

So we know who they are. Let’s remind the world who the rest of us are. We can’t forget just how serious the threat is that we’re up against. We’re feeling good about our chances, and hope y’all are too. But let’s be sure to remember how scary and serious this shit is and let’s win this fucking thing. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We know y’all know how scary and serious this shit is, but we were going for a post-NH pep talk vibe. Hope it worked.

Note three: Trump is absolutely losing his shit over Nikki Haley. She isn’t gonna win anything, but this could be a lot of fun. More: Reuters

Note four: Ukrainian soldiers are literally running out of ammunition courtesy of Donald Trump and his House Republicans. Politico

Note five: Just in case you think we’re being too harsh on Trump’s GOP in our opening note. Are people still pretending this shit is economic anxiety?

Note six: We’ll talk more about this later, but Marianne Williamson did not win the New Hampshire Democratic primary. Actually we probably talked about it enough.

Note seven: Yesterday was just a horror show at the LA Times. Y’all, we really need newspapers to be big, well-funded and aggressive as hell. Billionaires chopping them up into pieces is not what we need. More: HuffPost

Note eight: George Santos was at Trump’s New Hampshire election party. Because of course he was. More: Politico

Note nine: Liz Cheney says Elise Stefanik is a “crackpot.” We approve. But we probably would’ve gone with asscrack. More: HuffPost

Note 10: This is gonna get ugly.

Note 11: Even the Trump judges on the appeals court are done considering his gag order. Now we wait and see if SCOTUS is cool with Trump threatening everybody. More: NBC

Note 12: We’re still not over that Barbie bullshit.

Note 13: We already knew this but Anne Hathaway is a total badass. More: HuffPost

Note 14: John Cornyn endorsed Trump last night. They all will eventually. It’s just what they do. More: Texas Tribune

Note 15: Oklahoma has lost its goddamn mind. Those poor kids.

Note 16: Even Senate Republicans think impeaching Biden is a joke. And these are people who live to kiss Trump’s ass. More: The Messenger

Note 17: Marjorie Taylor Greene is threatening to “eradicate” any Republicans who don’t support Trump. What a totally normal fucking political party. More: New Republic

Note 18: The E. Jean Carroll trial has been delayed another day until Thursday. So the Republican winner of the New Hampshire primary has to wait another day before a jury hears more about him defaming the woman he raped. More: The Hill

Note 19: We like to end on a good note and today’s good note is President Biden and Vice President Harris are staying on message when it comes to abortion rights. While Trump was losing his shit in New Hampshire, Biden and Harris were rallying in Virginia. This is the team. This is the issue. More: AP

Note 20: And on that hell yeah note, let’s go do some news! Did we really spend the opening note warning everyone to remember just how dangerous Trump is? We should’ve just warned you that water is wet. Oh well. Can never be too careful. Love y’all!

Go away, Don!

Democratic presidential candidate Doug Phillips did not win the New Hampshire primary. He was never going to. That might not even be his actual name. Yeah, Dick Phillips said he’s going to keep running but it’s over. Joe Biden is the Democratic candidate. Look, we are not idiots. We get why people have concerns about Biden. And it’s not like we got the guy’s face tattooed on our fucking legs or some shit. But he’s been a damn good president, and the reality is he is the person standing between us and an orange and ugly end to American democracy. So let’s giddy up, Sexy Patriots, and help this man beat Trump. Again. And Darrell Phillips can kiss our asses.

More: HuffPost

Go Nikki!

Yeah, we’re as shocked to see that as anybody. We don’t actually want her to go anywhere important where she would have any authority, and we sure as shit don’t want her to go to the White House. And that’s ok because she’s not. But we sure love how much Nikki Haley got under Trump’s skin these last few days and we wouldn’t mind another few weeks of his crazy deranged ass reminding everyone that his ass is crazy and deranged. So yeah fuck it. Go Nikki!

More: NBC

Getting scary

So we told y’all about how the Supreme Court narrowly decided that the federal government has control of US borders and so Biden can order agents to cut down the razor wire that Greg Abbott put up to hurt and kill people. But Abbott is so far refusing the court’s decision, and we’re starting to see Democrats calling for Biden to federalize the national guard. This is where shit starts to get really scary, everybody. Keep your eyes on Texas.

More: Fox7 Austin

Today’s clips

Johnny Marr, guitarist for the classic 1980s British band The Smiths, wasn’t very happy with Donald Trump on Tuesday. More: HuffPost

Republicans engaged in a tense back-and-forth during their conference lunch Tuesday over border talks with some openly questioning Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell’s strategy and others assailing colleagues for attacking the proposal before it’s even out. More: CNN