12.4.23 This is what they want

It’s Monday. There are 337 days until the presidential election. Republicans have almost defeated Ukraine, Jared is back and back to being dirty and the not-so-final word on George Santos.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like George Santos seeks attention — all fucking day.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How was your weekend? That’s good. We had a nice one too. Except for the parts where we looked at the news, screamed and then hid under the covers. That’s why we’re going to start this week by doing something that brings us all joy — making fun of Ron DeSantis. It’s ok if you’ve forgotten who that is. Most of America has too.

LOL. What a fucking loser! Seriously dude is struggling. He got wrecked by Gavin Newsom last week, his staff are running for the hills, Trump is blaming him for Florida State not making the college football playoffs and now he’s getting asked policy questions he clearly has no ability to answer. It’s like he’s a pudding cup and the universe eats with its fingers. We wanted to know what was going on inside his weird hate-filled head so we reached out to his new super PAC CEO — the third in the last two weeks. Here now is Mr. John JeJantis…

TBS: Hey, you’re just Ron DeSantis in a fake mustache.

DeJantis: No I’m not. You’re just woke. And I, I mean Ron, is going to win.

TBS: Really dude?

DeJantis: No. Not really. I’m so embarrassed.

TBS: You fucking should be, you miserable bigoted monster.

DeJantis: No, not about that part. But they call me Pudding Fingers and make fun of my boots and my poop picture.

TBS: Just drop out, Pudding Fingers. Drop out and go away.

DeJantis: I would. But I’m just too goddamn awful. See you in Iowa!

Ugh. We tried, SPs. But some people you just can’t reason with. And people who carry pictures of poopie in their pockets usually fit that category. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump saying “let’s blame” DeSantis over the Florida State football thing might have made us spit out a little coffee. More: Mediaite

Note three: So look, we have really struggled with what to say about the Israel-Hamas war and today is no different. But let’s try this — if you’re bombing civilians to hell and back, you are not the good guys you think you are. If you’re using sexual violence and rape as weapons, you are not the good guys you think you are. If you’re kidnapping babies or letting them die in hospitals, you are not the good guys you think you are. None of this should be controversial to say. We’ll go back to cussing about US politics now. More: HuffPost

Note four: The New York Times is very slowly figuring out just how scary a second Trump term would be. At this rate, they should have a real handle on it by the year 2036. More: NY Times (Paywall)

Note five: We almost made the opening note about making fun of Doodie Pooliani because it feels like we just don’t do enough of that anymore. But really karma seems to be taking care of it for us.

Note six: Trevian Kutti, who was Kanye’s publicist and is a co-defendant in Trump’s Georgia RICO case, spent the weekend threatening to “fuck up” Ruby Freeman’s “whole life.” So when the hell is this human garbage going to jail? More: The Messenger

Note seven: After we hit send last Friday, an appeals court panel said that Trump can in fact be sued for Jan. 6. Gee thanks for doing the bare minimum, justice system. More: AP

Note eight: Congratulations to Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz, who is the new chairman of the Democratic Governors Association. It’s really pretty reassuring to look around the country and see how many great Democratic governors there are. Maybe we should elect more of them. More: KARE11

Note nine: MAGA Mike Johnson said over the weekend that Republicans will have the votes to launch an impeachment inquiry against Biden. Whatever, dude. Stop talking about it and just do it. We fucking dare you. More: NBC

Note 10: We’re so excited to talk about this hilarious shit in the news section…

Note 11: Trump spent part of his weekend attacking Robert DeNiro. So you know totally normal shit from a totally normal psycho. More: HuffPost

Note 12: The Texas GOP refuses to go all woke and stop associating with Holocaust deniers and Nazi sympathizers. Seriously. They voted on it and everything. More: Texas Tribune

Note 13: The drug-dealing murderers known as the Sackler family are having their day in front of the Supreme Court today to see if their bullshit sweetheart settlement is cool. It definitely ain’t but we’re guessing a corrupt SCOTUS will disagree. More: HuffPost

Note 14: There is a lot to protest about what is happening in the Israel-Gaza war. But protesting a Jewish-owned restaurant in Philadelphia ain’t it. In fact it’s insanely fucked up. More: 6ABC

Note 15: Ted Lasso and Sue Bird?! Yes please! Everyone wants to see Caitlin Clark play.

Note 16: We can’t believe we’re saying something nice about Politico but they did a real investigative piece about how our broken and corrupt Supreme Court basically rules the way Leonard Leo tells them to based on total bullshit reasons. More: Politico

Note 17: Dark Brandon just can’t stop Dark Brandoning all over Lauren Boebert and we are so here for it. Also, congrats to our friends at Medias Touch for landing an interview with the president of the United States. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Liz Cheney spent the weekend warning about Republicans and having to deal with Lindsey Graham’s bullshit. Sigh. We kinda hate Liz for making us start to like her. More: CNN

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a positive note. Y’all also know we love us some holiday season crap. So let’s all take a moment to enjoy Macaulay Culkin getting honored with a Hollywood star (and Catherine O’Hara joining him). We know what we’re watching for the millionth time tonight. More: People

Note 20: And on that amazing note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had an awesome weekend and are ready for a kick-ass week. And if not, we at least hope your coffee is working. Love y’all!

This is what they want

The White House has issued a dire warning that money for Ukraine will be gone by the end of the year. And yes it is December. Meanwhile House Republicans are fucking around and playing games and saying they won’t pass anymore funding unless their Trumpian border bill is included. Basically MAGA Mike Johnson went from saying it’s important to fund Ukraine to being afraid of Marjorie Taylor Greene. This is some scary shit. The Ukrainian people have fought bravely for their freedom for so long only to have a corrupt and evil political party sell them out to Putin. Let’s hope some sanity prevails.

More: AP

This fucking guy

Remember how Jared Kushner is corrupt as fuck and always trying to do shady ass foreign policy on his own? Well he’s back at it. This time he and Ivanka arranged a meeting between Jewish business leaders and the prime minister of Qatar so everyone could see that the PM ain’t such a bad guy. So is Jared registered as a foreign agent? And if not, why the hell not? And also, why the fuck are we still talking about Hunter Biden?

More: Axios

Go, George, go

Seriously, go. When we last talked to you, it was unclear if Republican House leaders were going to be able to save George Santos’s sorry ass from getting kicked out of Congress. They sure tried and most of the House Republican caucus did vote to save him, but in the end, George got the boot. And he ain’t taking it quietly. Over the weekend, Santos took to social media to blast and attack his fellow Republican members, even accusing one of them of being gay. It’s so gross but so much fun to watch so yeah it’s basically shitty reality TV. We’re so torn. We kinda want him to just go away and we also kinda want him to keep talking.

More: Today

Today’s clips

A Palestinian college student who was shot in Vermont over Thanksgiving weekend is paralyzed from the chest down after the attack and may never walk again, his family said. More: HuffPost

North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum ends his Republican presidential bid, narrowing the field before the 4th debate.