12.29.23 Run, Lauren, Run!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Even when it takes a fucking break.

Note: Sexy Patriots!!!!!! How the effing hell are you?! Sexy and patriotic? Oh good. Just the way we left you. Us? We’re doing pretty nifty ourselves. We are so grateful for the time off and a bunch of other shit, but we sure did miss y’all. We’ll be getting back to our regularly scheduled programming and shitting ourselves over the threats to democracy on Tuesday, but we just had to wish y’all a Happy New Year and a Giant Fuck You to Nikki Haley.

Now we know what you’re thinking — TBS, how did you guys get even hotter over the break and who the hell is Nikki Haley? Well first, thank you. And second, she used to be the governor of South Carolina, she’s apparently running for president and she might be pro-slavery…

You must be fucking joking. Or just a seriously shitty human being. Or both. We’ve seen a lot of reactions to this garbage the last couple days but we wanted to get the real scoop so we talked to a dead and rotted confederate soldier named Jed. Here is that interview…

TBS: Hey Jed. How’s death?

Jed: It sucks. I’m burning in hell for fighting a war for slavery.

TBS: Oh so it wasn’t for states’ rights?

Jed: No it was for slavery.

TBS: But Nikki Haley said…

Jed: Nope. Slavery.

TBS: But Republicans…

Jed: I’m gonna stop you right there and tell you it was about slavery. And anyone saying otherwise is a lying piece of shit who’s an even bigger loser than me and my side were. And we were some HUGE goddamn losers. Like the Detroit Pistons except super racist and evil.

TBS: That’s shockingly self-aware for a dead and rotten confederate soldier.

Jed: Yeah well an eternal life of misery in hell will do that for you. Happy New Year!

TBS: Fuck off, Jed.

Well there you have it straight from the mouth of a dead and rotten confederate soldier who is a smarter and better person than Nikki Haley. Listen to Jed, Nikki. And then eat shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You know what’s really fucked up? We were away for like a week and that Haley horseshit wasn’t even the craziest horseshit to come from the Republican field. Trump actually spent a couple of days defending his Hilter shit by saying he didn’t know Hitler said the same shit. We’re not sure what to believe. We have no doubt he was influenced by Hitler but we have such a hard time imagining him reading. Either way, major red flag alert about the candidate who attacked our Capitol. More: AP

Note three: So we always feel guilty as hell when we take a break and that was especially true when a jury brought down a huge goddamn motherfucking hammer of justice down on Rudy “Face Doodie” Giuliani. We seriously couldn’t believe our luck. We live to enjoy that wretched cousin-fucker’s misery and he gets wiped out literally the day we go on vacation? Absolute bullshit timing. But still hilarious and well-deserved. Rudy put those two women through hell and they deserve every penny. Rudy on the other hand deserves to spend his golden years eating pocket lint and rat fur and shitting himself stupid. More: NPR

Note four: We would like to suggest a New Year’s Resolution for our national political press — DON’T FUCK THIS UP.

Note five: Oops. They already fucked it up.

Note six: Well this is just fucking hilarious. Ron DeSantis spent $160 million to become nationally known as the pudding fingered boot lifts guy and finish in third place. Beautiful. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Hey so why hasn’t Sen. Ron Johnson been arrested? More: CNN

Note eight: American Judith Weinstein was murdered by Hamas. There are a lot of arguments and debates to be had about Netanyahu and Israel’s response to Oct. 7, but we don’t see any argument or debate about whether Hamas are evil goddamn terrorists. They are. More: AP

Note nine: Gas prices are predicted to fall again next year. So thanks, Dark Brandon. More: CNN

Note 10: The Dow hit another record high yesterday. Thanks again, Dark Brandon. More: Market Watch

Note 11: We’ve just gotta ask — why don’t most of the national news media give a fuck about E. Jean Carroll?

Note 12: So those super conservative moms sure are turning out to be some super freaks. Who could’ve guessed except everyone? More: Mother Jones

Note 13: RIP to former Sen. Herb Kohl. We always liked that dude. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 14: While we were away, Joe Biden pardoned and commuted the sentences of all federal marijuana convictions. Seems like a big (and welcome) fucking deal to us. More: AP

Note 15: This is awesome news but we’re waiting to hear if there is some sort of livestock medication that will do the same thing…

Note 16: HuffPo has a great story on how Biden reshaped the federal courts. It’s crazy how little credit the guy gets for doing shit like this. More: HuffPost

Note 17: The administration released a final $250 million in military aid for Ukraine. The reason it might be the last is because Donald Trump and the Republican Party want Russia to win. More: CNN

Note 18: Some HUGE news out of Wisconsin while we were away as a new state Supreme Court totally blew up the bullshit Republican gerrymandered legislative districts. This is why that state Supreme Court race was so important last year. Well this and making sure women get to keep basic human rights. More: CNN

Note 19: And since we like to end on a happy note, we’d like to thank Fox News for helping us with this, um, happy ending…

Note 20: And on that excited note, let’s go do some news! We sure as hell missed y’all, and we had a blast being back with you today. Thank you so much for a great 2023. We’re damn excited to be back in the trenches with you in 2024 as we once again pull this nation back from the brink of dumbfuck fascism. Have a Happy New Year’s, and we’ll see you back here Tuesday. LOVE Y’ALL!!!

The Maine thing

So the Maine Secretary of State, following the lead of Colorado’s state Supreme Court, said that Trump violated the 14th Amendment when he led an insurrection against the United States and thus cannot appear on the ballot this year. She is of course totally right. But that hasn’t stopped pundits, Susan fucking Collins and even one asshole Democrat (Jared Golden) from complaining about voters being denied a choice next year. You know who else was denied a choice next year? Officer Brian Sicknick. So all those whiners can just fuck right off. If you want to run for office, don’t attack the goddamn Capitol. Simple enough?

More: HuffPost

Run, Lauren, Run!

Lauren Boebert is running. Far far away. Yeah, the Boebs is switching congressional districts because she was about to get her handsy ass handed to her in her current district. So she just randomly announced she is now running for the GOP nomination that Ken Buck gave up by retiring. Even the state party chairman is calling bullshit. We’re not sure what’s going to happen in all the elections this year. But we do believe Boebert is about to have a lot more time to spend doing fucked up shit during plays.

More: CNN

A Christmas message

We’re sure you’ve seen it by now but we wanted to make sure you knew that Donald Trump’s message to us all this holiday season is to “ROT IN HELL.” Seriously. That’s what he said. On Christmas. You know, that thing there is apparently a liberal war on. It’s not a serious news item but we just couldn’t let it go. Sounds like a certain orange fuckhead wasn’t having a very merry Christmas. LOL.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

A federal judge on Wednesday accepted new Georgia congressional and legislative voting districts that protect Republican partisan advantages, saying the creation of new majority-Black voting districts fixed illegal minority vote dilution that led him to order maps be redrawn. More: HuffPost

Nikki Haley offered a waffling, noncommittal response when asked by a voter to explicitly state that she would not accept an offer to be Donald Trump’s vice president. More: HuffPost