1.2.24 Rage

Be advised: This newsletter’s resolution was to cuss less. And it took like 15 fucking seconds to blow it.

Note: Sexy Patriots!!!!! It is so goddamn great to be back with you! You smell amazing! How is the new year treating you? Too soon to tell? Yeah, us too. But we’re keeping an eye on it because we just don’t trust this sonofabitch. That’s why we thought it might be a good idea to kick off the 2024 TBS Calendar with a New Year’s Resolution for the whole country — don’t be Ron DeSantis. Ok that’s too fucking easy. So let’s come up with a second one.

Dear America, this year you should resolve to not be a bunch of dumbfucks. Please be more like the Sexy Patriots who read this newsletter. Be cool, be compassionate, be smart, be sexy. Don’t be in a cult. Don’t kiss orange ass. Don’t ignore violent attacks on your Capitol. Don’t end the American democratic experiment. Don’t make the Senate a bunch of Jupiter Dingleberry (JD) Vances. Don’t let the George Santos Kevin McCarthy people keep the House. Don’t let the racist orgy freakshow people take over your school boards. And don’t let the White House get all trashy, stupid and cruel again. In short, please don’t be dumbfucks.

And seriously, don’t be Ron DeSantis. What in THE hell is wrong with this weird motherfucker?

Note two: Our apologies. In the opening note, we mentioned Kevin McCarthy who is a pathetic loser and no longer in Congress. We regret the mistake and assure you it won’t happen again. Fuck that wimp.

Note three: Btw, that Jupiter Dingleberry stuff is real. Not the name but the reason to worry about the Senate. Our top priority is keeping the White House. Priority 1A is keeping the Senate. Find a campaign and make it your own. More: HuffPost

Note four: Oh nothing just some degenerate shithead breaking into the Colorado Supreme Court and opening fire. And today the Washington Post has a story about how Trump came back from “distress.” Buckle up, y’all. This year is gonna get scary. More: CNN

Note five: Oh and the Maine Secretary of State who had the guts to defend the Constitution was swatted the other night. Trump is damn lucky the national press is so eager to ignore his terrorism. More: AP

Note six: If you’re a college football fan, then you know this tracks. It’s why Alabama and Texas lost yesterday.

Note seven: And while we’re on this topic, how fucking hilarious is it that Ted Cruz brought his stanky jinx to yet another Texas team? LOLOL!!! More: HuffPost

Note eight: We’re continuing our usage of Threads over twitter and apparently we are not alone. Of course Elon’s goal was never to make twitter profitable. He just wanted to push his right-wing bullshit and get revenge on his trans kid for being themselves. More: Axios

Note nine: Is anybody else desperate for new shows to come back? We’ve got the date for Abbott Elementary’s return circled on our calendar. We’re at the point now where we almost have to talk to our friends and families. Hell, Sam watched “Escape from LA” last night.

Note 10: While we’re asking questions here’s one — did you get the updated COVID booster? We know people don’t really talk about this shit anymore but the numbers are pretty high these days. Be sexy and get the shot.

Note 11: Also, if someone flew on Jeffrey Epstein’s plane we’re going to assume they are gross and should be in trouble. Is that fair? Maybe not. But we’re ok erring on the side of not being gross here. More: Independent

Note 12: Have you wondered recently why so many Americans seemed to develop a bad case of shit-for-brains overnight? Well here’s a big damn clue…

Note 13: We can’t stop laughing at Lauren Boebert’s latest argument for why she had to switch districts. And we were already laughing at Lauren Boebert for that theater handjob thing. More: HuffPost

Note 14: RIP to former U.S. Rep. Eddie Bernice Johnson, a true trailblazer. We’re losing way too many trailblazers these days. More: AP

Note 15: Hard to believe we’re just two weeks away from the Iowa caucuses and the peak of Ron DeSantis’s humiliation. But at least people found out about that whole pudding fingers thing. More: AP

Note 16: If you need some good news, just remember that Henry Kissinger will not be joining us in 2024.

Note 17: We’re sending love to Japan. Between this awful earthquake and a jet that landed there engulfed in flames, we’re wondering if our 2024 is gonna look like theirs and really hoping not. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Is anybody else disgusted by prominent Democrats who keep going on tv and saying we should ignore Trump’s insurrection and put him on the ballot? Yeah, we are too. Chickenshits. More: The Hill

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a positive note and today’s is about Steamboat Willie. No that’s not an adult film star. It’s the original Mickey Mouse cartoon and he is now public domain. So get ready for lots and lots of hilarious and graphic interviews with Steamboat Willie, who we’d like to see a picture of shitting in Ron DeSantis’s mouth. More: The Verge

Note 20: And on that bizarre and fucked up note, let’s go do some news! We’re sure happy to be back with y’all this week and we hope your New Year is off to an awesome and kick-ass start. Let’s do some good and save this crazy country again this year, shall we? Awesome. Love y’all!

Sigh

We mentioned earlier the pathetic kiss-ass piece in today’s Washington Post about Trump overcoming “distress” to dominate the Republican Party. It’s a pretty bad sign for the paper. Even worse is that Greg Sargent, the most prominent liberal analyst at the paper just announced he has taken a voluntary buy-out to leave. Greg was one of the last reasons to subscribe to that rag and now that he’s gone we just can’t imagine forking over a single penny to read Hugh fucking Hewitt. We’re excited to see where Greg lands next.

Rage

So the funniest shit happened after New Year’s Eve when Trump supporters everywhere were shocked to discover that punk musicians don’t like rich fascist assholes. Green Day, the band who wrote American Idiot about George W. Bush about 20 years ago, has in recent years changed some of its lyrics to bash the “MAGA agenda.” When they did it on NYE, Trump supporters who have been living with their heads up an orange ass for the last several years were stunned and outraged and have been losing their shit ever since. It’s really a hilarious way to start the new year. Almost as hilarious as Trump Mar-a-Lago scum spending the holiday with Vanilla Ice.

More: Rolling Stone

Hell yeah

So starting with this new year, the minimum wage is going up in 22 states. For so many people this is fucking huge. Is it high enough? Fuck no it’s not. But this is so important. People are working their asses off and still can’t make rent. This is a step in the right direction. The beauty of the last two years is that the post-pandemic economic recovery has been built from the middle out. Now let’s work our asses off to win some elections this year so we can finally raise the federal minimum wage too.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

A California law that bans carrying firearms in most public places took effect Monday after an appeals court halted a federal judge’s ruling against the law. More: HuffPost

The presidential election is about to become inextricably entangled with Donald Trump’s criminal turmoil as his crushing calendar of legal obligations collides with the race to the Iowa caucuses in two weeks. More: CNN