1.22.24 Not enough, Nikki

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it has never confused Nikki Haley for Nancy Pelosi like some kind of fucking moron.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Shall we do this together? Ok cool. 1…2…3… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Ron DeShithead dropped out and we are dehydrated from peeing ourselves laughing. Bye, Ron, you pathetic loser.

LOLOL. Gosh who was he talking about? As we look back on this cruel dickhead’s campaign and laugh our asses off before forgetting about it forever, we just can’t get past the whole Pudding Fingers thing. It was endlessly funny to us. So here now is an interview with Pudding…

TBS: Hey, Puddin’.

Pudding: You guys are some real insensitive assholes.

TBS: What? What the hell did we do?

Pudding: This whole DeSantis thing.

TBS: Are you a racist or a homophobe or just a weird and awkward dickhead?

Pudding: No I’m not. I’m just pudding. And now that that monster isn’t running for president he’s going to be dipping those weird fingers in me again. You’ve seen how he stands and how he smiles. How the fuck do you think it goes when he eats?! It’s not funny!

TBS: Gosh. That does sound awful. And kinda funny. But we’re sorry. We had no idea.

Pudding: It’s ok. It’s hell, but at least I’m not one of the boot lifts. Those guys got it real bad.

TBS: Well good luck, Puddin. And please tell Ron to kiss our hot asses and then fuck off.

And that’s that for ol’ Pudding Fingers. Now he can go back to being a cruel sociopath who gets off on hurting the marginalized and the vulnerable and we can all go back to worrying about Florida and being full-time horrified by Trump. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: BONUS INTERVIEW: Ladies and gentleman and Sexy Patriots, Mickey Mouse just walked into TBS HQ…

TBS: Mickey! Do you have any comment on Ron DeSantis?

MM: Who the fuck is Wrong DeSantis?

TBS: Well played, mouse.

Note three: That was the first double interview in TBS history. We hate DeSantis that much.

Note four: C’mon, New Hampshire, and write in Joe Biden and Kamala Harris for president. It’ll really piss off someone named Dan Phillips and the billionaire a-holes backing him. More: WMUR

Note five: Oh and just when you thought he couldn’t be anymore of a tool, that Doug Phillips guy isn’t ruling out a third-party bid. More: HuffPost

Note six: We’re gonna talk about this more in the news section but y’all have to see this ad…

Note seven: Remember that piece of shit Peter Navarro? Well he’s getting sentenced this week for contempt of Congress because he refused to cooperate with the Jan. 6 committee. DOJ is asking for six months. If that happens, we can’t promise our response will be classy. More: NBC

Note eight: We don’t have any jokes about Tim Scott’s endorsement of Trump. We just continue to be embarrassed for every chickenshit butt-kiss Republican who stands there with a straight face and says that dirty orange motherfucker is gonna restore law and order. More: CNN

Note nine: Pardon our French, but Joe Manchin is a dirty, dirty sonofabitch. More: Prospect

Note 10: You wanna laugh your ass off? Trump is thinking about Elise Stefanik for VP. Wanna laugh even harder? He pronounces her name wrong!

Note 11: HUGE congratulations to Stanford hoops Coach Tara VanDerveer, who this weekend passed legendary Duke Coach K to become the winningest college basketball coach of all time. Freaking amazing. More: ESPN

Note 12: It’s pretty terrifying to watch the executive class say Trump is welcome back as long as he brings those big tax cuts with him. We still have a say though, right? Oh good. More: CNBC

Note 13: So now that the Chiefs won, all those people who were blaming a woman for the Chiefs’ problems have shut the fuck up, right? Right? More: ESPN

Note 14: Btw we hope y’all saw on Friday that consumer sentiment jumped up 13 percent this month. Per the White House, 29 percent in two months. Let’s go!!! More: Axios

Note 15: This is true and it flat out sucks to watch.

Note 16: In Germany, hundreds of thousands spent the weekend protesting the far right. Maybe we should be paying attention. More: Guardian

Note 17: Remember when the press kept telling us Nancy Mace was a moderate? Well she just endorsed the guy who overturned Roe and attacked the US Capitol. More: AP

Note 18: We know we’ve done a lot of sports today but we just have to congratulate the Detroit Lions. Michigan has been so great about women’s rights and protecting democracy so it’s nice to see them enjoying so much football success. Vote for Biden again and maybe the Pistons will start winning. More: CNN

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and today that happy note is Ron DeSantis is out of the presidential race in the most humiliating way possible. Yes, we have already talked about this at length, but life is short so you should really take the time to laugh at extremist right-wing assholes whenever you get the chance.

Note 20: And on that wonderfully petty note, let’s go do some news! Let’s have a great week, SPs. Or at least better than Ron’s. Love y’all!

Not enough, Nikki

Now that she’s in a two-person race and DeSantis is back in the comfort of his sexy white boots, Nikki Haley spent the weekend raising questions about Trump’s mental state, pointing out his many glaring flubs and pointing out that he confused her for Nancy Pelosi. You’d think this will make it impossible for her to endorse him after he wins the next two states and confirms the inevitable and terrifying truth of the Trump cult, but it won’t. She’ll just do it anyway just like every other person who has run against him. It’s so sad to watch but believe that it’s coming.

More: CNN

Well this is scary

So Trump refused to let NBC News on his campaign plane after one of their reporters asked Elise Stefanik about Trump being found liable of sexual abuse by a jury. This is really happening. If you ask Trump or his surrogates about his crimes, your access is cut off. And this is like the bare minimum of questions to ask. Frankly he should get asked about it every goddamn day. We don’t envy the job the press has to do in covering Trump. But we’re gonna keep asking them to do it better. While we still have a free press anyway.

More: Yahoo

What it’s all about

Earlier we showed you the new ad the Biden campaign dropped this weekend. The focus this week and every damn week is on abortion rights. Today is the 51st anniversary of Roe. Or it would be if Donald Trump and his corrupt and broken Supreme Court hadn’t wrecked it and stripped millions of women of their basic human rights. This week the Biden campaign wants to remind everyone of that undeniable fact. So the Vice President will be in Wisconsin talking about women’s rights and the president will be joining her for a joint rally in Northern Virginia. For their part, Republicans just took part in a March for Life as if they haven’t marched us through enough bullshit already. This is what this election is about. And it’s why we have to win.

More: USA Today

Today’s clips

Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC), a former candidate for president, may have found a permanent running mate. The South Carolina lawmaker announced Sunday that he and girlfriend Mindy Noce got engaged, prompting a “Congratulations!” from far-right Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.). More: HuffPost