12.15.23 SHOCKUS

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Kevin McCarthy says goodbye — way too fucking much but still not enough.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The holiday break is upon us! And we are gonna miss y’all so much. We hope you don’t mind us taking an extended vacation to try and get our heads right before the longest most fucked up year of any of our lives.

We were trying to think of a special way to part with a holiday theme, but we already interviewed the big guy with the red hat (no, not that one) for the podcast. The Three Wisemen kept telling us that Jan. 6 was an inside job, Frosty the Snowman was murdered by climate change and Jesus stopped returning our calls. Don’t worry. We always make up on his birthday. So instead of a holiday-themed cuss out, we thought we’d take a moment to tell you how much we love you.

Even though we are woefully behind on emails right now, we want you to know that we see everything you send us and we know this has been a tough goddamn year for many of you. The relentlessness of the shitheads we’re up against and the toll that takes isn’t lost on us. We know there are a lot of days when hope is hard to come by. But still you click and open this newsletter, still you cuss out the bad guys and still you fight for American democracy. We’re so fucking grateful.

Our plan is to come back for at least one more TBS before New Year’s, but we want to wish you Happy Holidays, a Merry Christmas and an Eat Shit Rudy Giuliani. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for joining us and for fighting the good fight. There’s nobody we’d rather be in this fucking mess with than you Sexy Patriots. Y’all have a blessed day and a wonderful winter break.

Note two: Speaking of the podcast, this week we have a VERY special guest who drops in from the North Pole to tell us about his special naughty list. We’ll just warn you right now that it’s disgusting. And by signing up, you’ll be helping keep the lights on at TBS.

Note three: Well this seems pretty fucking scary and decidedly un-Christmasy.

Note four: This was a HUGE blockbuster story yesterday and we want to post it again just to make sure everyone saw it. Call it non-breaking news that House GOP asshole James Comer is a corrupt piece of shit. More: AP

Note five: Do yourself a favor and read this story about Allie Phillips who was denied an abortion in Tennessee and is now running for office. More: Elle

Note six: It’s behind a paywall but the New York Times did a deep dive into the background around the SCOTUS decision to overturn Roe and how Sam Alito did all kinds of fucked up shit to make sure it happened. More: NY Times, TPM

Note seven: So because Republicans are corrupt assholes who work for Putin, we’re now having to look at what it will mean for Europe after Ukraine is overtaken. It’s insane to watch this happen in real time. More: CNN

Note eight: The Vice President is attending the Celebration Bowl in Atlanta. We’re not often jealous of her given the difficulties of her job and the endless shit she takes, but we would very much like to be attending this ballgame. More: Andscape

Note nine: Is it just us or did our party really drop the ball in having Kate Cox’s back? Seems like the kind of thing we should be talking about a lot more. Or maybe it’s gross to talk about a woman’s healthcare like that and we should just shut the fuck up.

Note 10: We’re back to the days of Trump saying totally messed up shit every 15 minutes followed by interviews with Republicans who say he didn’t really mean it. Y’all, he means it.

Note 11: Melania is in the news again. Not this news but other news. In fact, we’re not linking to that shit and we’re sorry we wasted your time.

Note 12: Kevin McCarthy gave a farewell speech yesterday. He has no spine, no record of accomplishment and no respect from anyone but at least he doesn’t have any shame either. Bye, loser. More: Politico

Note 13: The Giuliani jury is back to deliberating today. Frankly we don’t know what’s taking them so long. Especially after even Rudy’s lawyer told them what a piece of shit the former mayor is. Here’s hoping we get a ruined Doodie Pooliani for Christmas. More: NBC

Note 14: What do y’all think of us using all these Threads? Is it working for you? We know people want us to stay and fight on Twitter and we are, but we figured this was a way to do that and not give Elon any help being awful.

Note 15: Yeah, this piece of shit traitor in Wisconsin should step down. How is this even a debate? More: NBC

Note 16: We fucking love to see the Obama-Biden show back together. Especially when they’re trying to get more people healthcare.

Note 17: Don’t look now but even the press is starting to see how good the economy is doing. Guess a record high for the Dow was just impossible to ignore.

Note 18: Before we leave for our break, we want to take a second to send love to our Jewish and Palestinian friends. We know we haven’t been all that smart or profound or bold on the Israel-Hamas war and that’s because we really don’t know what to say. We’re just broken to see so many people hurting. We’re sorry we don’t have anything deeper than that to add.

Note 19: We do like to end on a happy note, so here’s South Park’s Eric Cartman singing O Holy Night while being shocked with a cattle prod. It’s one of our favorites.

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We feel like real Grinches taking such a long break but we also know just how fucking nuts next year is going to be. We hope y’all understand. We also hope you get some time off too. It’s been a long year and you sure deserve it. We love you, Sexy Patriots. Thank you for joining us.

SHOCKUS

You now how Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker led a charge to ban assault weapons in Illinois? And you know how the sick pro-death fuckers in the gun industry tried to get it ruled unconstitutional? And you know how the Supreme Court is stacked with corrupt scum? Well when you take all those things together it’s pretty shocking to learn that yesterday SCOTUS announced it is letting the ban stand. Yeah, we don’t understand it either but we sure are grateful. Congratulations to Gov. Pritzker and the people of Illinois.

More: NPR

Oh fuck off

So Trump’s treasonous friends who tried to help pull off a coup had to write apology letters for their roles in fucking with the United States of America. And they are just as awful and bullshitty as you would think. Yeah, trash like Sydney Powell submitted one-sentence apologies that we just don’t think were sincere. So as far as we’re concerned their apologies are not accepted and they can just fuck right off, eat shit and burn in hell.

More: HuffPost

WHAT THE FUCK?!

CNN dropped an absolute bombshell this morning with a report about a binder full of raw intelligence on Russian election interference that just went missing at the end of the Trump administration. It sure looks from the story like Mark Meadows took it when he left but holy shit this is batshit crazy. It’s the most obvious story of the past decade that Trump and his party are compromised by a hostile foreign power and yet 98 percent of Washington acts like they can’t see it. Make sure you read every last fucking word of this one.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

A former federal prosecutor told lawmakers Thursday that she has been receiving threats since Republicans accused her of coddling the president’s son Hunter Biden. More: HuffPost

Emmy-winning actor Andre Braugher, who died earlier this week at age 61, had been diagnosed with lung cancer a few months prior to his death, his publicist Jennifer Allen told CNN on Thursday. More: CNN