12.14.23 Soft landing

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity like a bunch of dumbasses just impeached the president for no good goddamn reason.

Note: Help us, Sexy Patriots. We are drowning in dumb. What’s that? You are too? Well fuck. Alright, well let’s hold hands and go down together, cussing the assholes who got us here the whole way. Sound like a plan? No? You want to keep fighting? Ok cool. Let’s do that then. But first, let’s all lose our shit for a minute.

By now you’ve probably seen the big news from yesterday — a bipartisan coalition of House members banded together to bring whole milk back to school. Yeah, seriously. We wish we were making this shit up.

Sigh. So yeah they didn’t do shit for Ukraine or for the Israel-Hamas war or any of the kids they doomed to poverty or really anyone who isn’t Donald Trump or connected in some way to milk. Look, this might be an important thing. We honestly don’t know. It just seems like maybe they should have had higher priorities before leaving town for three weeks. So to figure out what’s going on, we talked to milk…

TBS: Thanks for joining us, milk.

Milk: No problem. Big fan.

TBS: Thanks! So are you happy with what the House just did?

Milk: Are you fucking kidding? They’re wasting time on me? Do they not know what’s happening in the world? This is so fucking stupid. Bunch of goddamn idiots.

TBS: Yeah we kinda thought so too. Why do you think they care about you so much?

Milk: I’m white.

TBS: Well that tracks. Thanks, milk!

Welp, there you have it. We always knew that was a wholesome drink. But even wholesome drinks have had enough of the bullshit these days. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: LOLOL. Rudy Giuliani changed his mind and won’t testify in Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss’s defamation case today. Instead he’s decided to sit there quietly peeing himself and wondering how everything went so wrong. What a coward. More: CNN

Note three: Just as a programming reminder, we’re going to be taking off for our Christmas break starting next week. We’ll be back with you before the new year starts, but we decided to take a real vacation to try and get our heads right before the longest year of our lives.

Note four: Uh-oh. Rep. James Comer, the man leading the impeachment efforts against Joe Biden, appears to be a real scumbag piece of shit. But we knew that, didn’t we? More: AP

Note five: Today is one of America’s ugliest anniversaries. It’s been 11 years since Sandy Hook. What a shameful nation we can be.

Note six: With encouragement from the Republican Party, Putin said this morning he won’t stop his illegal war against Ukraine. Congratulations to Donald Trump, Mike Johnson and Mitch McConnell. More: BBC

Note seven: CNN gave Vivek Ramaswamy a town hall. He used it to spread more lies about Jan. 6. Good job, CNN. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Did Paul Ryan finally find a spine? Probably not. But he’s right in this instance. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We want to see the Biden White House secure funding for Ukraine and the Middle East but we sure don’t want to see him agreeing to Trumpy immigration shit to get it done. More: Politico

Note 10: Why are the impeaching Joe Biden? It’s really simple, y’all…

Note 11: Trump sure has some cool friends. Here’s one who attacked a judge’s clerk and is under investigation for stalking. More: The Messenger

Note 12: A new Reuters poll finds that 59 percent of voters won’t vote for Trump if he’s convicted of a felony. Shouldn’t that number be way higher? More: New Republic

Note 13: Your holiday movie recommendations are fucking awesome! We plan on spending next week watching as many of them as we can. After we watch Die Hard again of course.

Note 14: Joe Manchin is still talking about running for president. Even though no one wants him to. What an asshole. More: WSJ

Note 15: This is what this White House is doing while Republicans focus on impeachment and milk…

Note 16: Officer Harry Dunn is looking to retire. We’d say he has more than earned it. More: Roll Call

Note 17: Ugh. Judge Chutkan says the Trump trial is on hold until his bullshit appeals play out. Looks like he’s continuing to get away with everything. More: CNN

Note 18: Yesterday we told you it was Taylor Swift’s birthday and it was awesome. Today is the opposite. It’s Jim Comey’s birthday and we’re trying to figure out how to make a poop cake.

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and we can’t think of anything happier than good economic news. And this might be the best economic news we’ve seen yet. The McRib is back!

Note 20: And on that deliciously unhealthy note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a great week and as ready for the holidays as we are. We also hope you didn’t get impeached yesterday. That shit is going around. Love y’all!

Soft landing

In what can only be described as an early Christmas miracle, the Federal Reserve appears to be backing off its goal of putting millions of Americans out of work to tame inflation. Yesterday Chairman Powell said that a recession ain’t happening and they probably won’t raise rates anymore. Powell even said they might cut borrowing costs a few times next year. This is incredible news for working people and for the Biden White House who put people back to work, grew the economy and did both while the Fed tried everything it could to fuck them.

More: CNBC

So fucking dumb

So by now you’ve seen that House Republicans unanimously voted to open an impeachment inquiry into Joe Biden yesterday. Remember that word unanimously the next time you hear some pundit talking about Republican moderates. But yeah, they went after Biden all while admitting they have zero evidence of wrongdoing. Let’s hope this dumb shit blows up in their faces because it really should.

More: CNN

Bidenomics!

Remember when we were told that if Biden won election the stock market would crash? Well they were almost right. Yesterday the Dow hit a record 37,000 and holy shit Bidenomics is the real deal. Now we know that the stock market isn’t the economy and we also know that people are hurting out there. But this is great fucking news and we shouldn’t shy away from that. Biden rebuilt the economy from the middle out after a once-in-a-century pandemic and that economy is on a fucking roll. Good job, Dark Brandon.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Carter is one of more than 150,000 registered Republican voters who have signed a petition in support of a ballot amendment that would bar the state from restricting abortion “before viability” — which is usually at 24 weeks — or “when necessary to protect the patient’s health.” More: NBC

Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green was suspended indefinitely by the NBA on Wednesday, less than 24 hours after he hit Phoenix Suns center Jusuf Nurkic in the face and received a Flagrant 2 foul and ejection. More: AP