12.13.23 New maps!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like the Supreme Court isn’t done fucking with abortion rights. Because it’s not.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots. You smell fantastic today! Those of you who have been with us for a while know that this newsletter LOVES making fun of Rudy Giuliani. It appeals to both our sense of duty as well as our fourth grade senses of humor to constantly remind people that it once looked like Giuliani was having diarrhea out of his forehead. We think that’s even funnier than the Four Seasons thing. We call him Doodie Pooliani and we die laughing every time. We are adults.

But sometime in the last two years, we made the executive decision to basically not center Doodie in TBS anymore. We’ve tried to keep you updated on his well-deserved misfortunes but we resisted the urge to point and laugh at his sorry Gargamel ass every day of the week. Today we’re revising our Doodie policy. Because that sonofabitch really deserves our endless mockery.

Don’t that shit just make your goddamn blood boil? Yeah, us too. So policy revised. We are now back to enjoying Rudy’s humiliation and misery full-time and today we are taking a moment to say Ha-fucking-Ha to Rudy Giuliani. What a loser.

There are a lot of examples of once reputable men and women taking steaming shits on those reputations in ass-kissing service to Trump but Rudy is Exhibit A. He’s so goddamn decrepit he appears to be actually rotting. We were gonna make today a Bye Rudy intro and basically say we’re done making fun of him because he’s not worth it. But fuck that. This deranged assface put those poor women and this country through hell. And sure he’s been good for a laugh as he’s basically a walking satire drenched in his own urine and stepping on a bucket but that doesn’t make up for all the shit he’s done. So no, we will not invoke the mercy rule. Nah we’re gonna rub this in. Fuck you, Doodie. You got every bit of this coming, bro. So sit in it and rot. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You know how Kate Cox had to flee Texas to get healthcare? Well the state’s two US Senators are such chickenshit cowards, they won’t even talk about it. Such big tough guys. More: NBC

Note three: Republicans wanted to depose Hunter Biden behind closed doors today. He offered to testify publicly instead. They said no. So Hunter is doing a press conference on Capitol Hill to call out GOP lies and corruption. More: CNN

Note four: We’re gonna get to this in the news section but this goddamn motherfucking Supreme Court just announced it will hear the abortion pill case and we have steam coming out of our ears.

Note five: Last night, both Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis reminded voters they want a national abortion ban and a lot more Kate Coxes. And Nikki is the press’s moderate candidate.

Note six: Seriously, these fuckers are never going to stop coming for women’s rights. It should be clear as fucking day by now.

Note seven: Also why is CNN giving Ron DeSantis a townhall? Is it because they are the Ron DeSantis of cable news ratings? NO LINK

Note seven: An Appeals court ruled this morning that Trump is not immune from karma in E. Jean Carroll’s defamation lawsuit. Ok so maybe it’s not karma. But it sure feels that way. More: CNN

Note eight: We are fucking wrecked over the death of Andre Braugher. Glory is one of our favorite movies and Brookly Nine-Nine is one of the best shows to come out in the past 20 years. He was only 61! What a huge loss. RIP to a genius. More: Variety

Note nine: A Sandy Hook parent says that Elon Musk is a “sociopath” for boosting Alex Jones. We would agree. Or a psychopath. Or just a fucking dirtbag loser with dirtbag loser friends. More: TMZ

Note 10: At least things are going well with Elon’s other ventures…

Note 11: Wu-Tang Clan are doing a Vegas residency. And we think that’s awesome. More: Complex

Note 12: We know y’all know this, but Kate Cox if far from an isolated incident. It’s happening in Kentucky… More: AP

Note 13: And in Ohio. And really all over the country. And it’s not going to stop until we stop it. More: Yahoo

Note 14: Even Ann Coulter is calling out this evil bullshit. And evil bullshit is like oxygen to her. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Florida Republicans are doing Florida Republican things…

Note 16: President Zelensky was in Washington yesterday begging Republicans not to doom his country’s freedom. They were unmoved and Ukraine funding will not be passing this year. This is insanely fucked up and proof that the GOP now works for Putin. More: CNN

Note 17: Zelenksy’s country by the way has completely decimated the Russian army. So yeah one of our top geopolitical foes has been extremely weakened and we didn’t need one US troop to do it. Seems like a smart investment to us. More: CNN

Note 18: Biden warned Bibi that Israel is losing support. We honestly think the smartest thing we’ve heard since this all started was Biden’s warning to Israel to not be like the US after 9/11. It was good advice. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note so happy birthday to Taylor Swift. Even if you don’t like her music, surely you can enjoy the way she makes the extreme right-wing scary people apoplectic.

Note 20: And on that celebratory note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is going ok. We hope you’re staying positive and keeping your head up. And if not, we hope you can take a moment to point and laugh at Doodie Pooliani. Love y’all!

New maps!

Yesterday New York’s highest court ordered the state to draw new congressional maps, and Republicans are in big trouble. This is fucking HUGE for control of the House next year. Now you might be thinking how we’re ok with this since we’re opposed to bullshit gerrymandering that Republicans do. Well our answer to that is those fuckers started it and we’re just fighting fire with fire. Is that morally questionable? Maybe. But it sure is fun seeing Elise Stefanik lose her shit.

More: CNN

Just do it already

Yesterday we told you Republicans were going to vote on an impeachment inquiry into Joe Biden. Well we were a little premature it seems. They’re doing it today. They still don’t have any evidence Biden did anything wrong, and it’s so obvious that even the wimps at the New York Times are saying it. House Republicans work for Donald Trump and that should be pretty fucking clear to everyone on the planet. And if it ain’t, then let’s make sure they know it.

More: HuffPost

Fuck SCOTUS

So this is where a corrupt and broken Supreme Court really pays off for Republicans. We already told you they’re going to take up a case about access to abortion pills (some observers we’re following say this is actually a good thing). But they also agreed to take up the appeal of some Jan. 6 scumbags who are arguing they didn’t obstruct official government proceedings. Yeah ok sure. If this charge seems familiar it’s because hundreds of Jan. 6 assholes were charged with it including the big orange one. So yeah, we’ve been waiting for Trump’s rigged SCOTUS to step in and save him and this might just be how they do it.

More: ABC

Today’s clips

Donald Trump may have found a “suitable” way to raise funds ― selling off pieces of the suit he wore in August when he had his mug shot taken at an Atlanta jail. More: HuffPost

Hamas has been unresponsive to overtures made in recent days to try to restart hostage negotiations, a source familiar with the efforts told CNN, as the US and other mediators try to resurrect talks that would see more hostages who were abducted on October 7 be released from captivity. More: CNN