12.1.23 Whither Santos?

Happy Friday. There are 340 days until the presidential election. Healthcare comes to North Carolina, Senate Judiciary finally does something about a corrupt SCOTUS and MAGA Mike backs Santos.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Ron DeSantis probably has been for like 12 hours straight.

Note: Sexy Patriots! You made it to the weekend! And no matter how bad your week might have been, we promise it was a lot worse for some Florida freakshows. Originally this whole note was going to be about the Moms for Liberty person and her husband being accused of sexually assaulting their threesome partner — now there’s a 2023 sentence — but instead we thought we’d talk about the skidmark that was Ron DeSantis’s political career.

Like goddamn. We hate Ron DeSantis and even we were starting to feel sorry for his super weird pudding-fingered ass. Oof. Sorry for that phrasing. We’ll be the first to admit that we just didn’t know what to make of this debate when we first heard about it. Honestly we were pretty suspicious of Newsom and his motives. And then he took little Ron and his fancy high-heeled boots and he put him in his mouth, chewed him up, digested him and then crapped him out into sad little never-gonna-be-president turds. Needless to say, we have come around on this idea.

So thank you, Gavin, for punching a bully in the nose. And thank you, Ron, for walking your dumb ass right into that punch. It’s not hard to see why these deranged fuckers had to build their own reality. They always get their sorry butts kicked in this one. Y’all have a blessed day and a great weekend.

Note two: Are you listening to This Week’s Big Stuff? It’s a brief weekly roundup of the news podcast in the profane style you’ve come to know and love from TBS. And it helps to keep this foul-mouthed newsletter operating and of course cussing. In this week’s episode, we offer our official response to Elon Musk’s invitation to go fuck ourselves. Join us!

Note three: So um back on that Moms for Liberty thing. Yowzer. Like how do Florida Republicans always manage to be so weird and so full of shit at the same time? It seems like Sunshine State politics 10 years from now is just gonna be some toothless dude fucking a stuffed alligator while campaigning on banning sex with stuffed alligators. More: TPM

Note four: Btw, while we join others in dunking on the disgusting hypocrisy of those people, let’s not forget that we are talking about a rape accusation and there ain’t a goddamn thing funny about that.

Note five: We seriously can’t stop watching some of these clips. The thing is Newsom went in there to stand up for so many people who have been attacked by Puddin’ Fingers while also making a powerful argument for Joe Biden’s presidency. It was pretty fucking impressive!

Note six: The ceasefire between Israel and Hamas is over. More: CNN

Note seven: Pro-tip — if your nickname is Pudding Fingers, then don’t carry around pictures of poopie. More: HuffPost

Note eight: We’ll talk more about MAGA Mike in the news section but gosh damn that dude sucks. More: CNN

Note nine: The Trump campaign is grateful for Dean Phillips. And really that’s all you need to know about Dean Phillips. Which is good because that’s all we know about Dean Phillips. More: Politico

Note 10: Thank you to the San Antonio News-Express for delivering this much-needed wedgie to Ted Cruz.

Note 11: Ok so this is so fucked up and scary and we really should have seen it coming. The Supreme Court is meeting today to discuss whether they will hear arguments over giving the Jan. 6 scum a pass. If they do, it’ll likely mean Trump gets away with that shit. More: NBC

Note 12: Trump got his gag order reinstated yesterday so he can’t attack the judge’s clerk anymore. So instead he kept attacking the judge’s wife with made-up bullshit. More: NPR

Note 13: Henry Kissinger is still dead.

Note 14: Hey by the way inflation is falling. But it’s only a big story when it goes up. Right? More: Yahoo Finance

Note 15: We’re not sure why but we’re really eating up all this holiday stuff. Maybe it’s because we need the lightness in our lives. Or maybe it’s because we watched an elf die last night on Fox News.

Note 16: We know America doesn’t care about silly shit like clean drinking water anymore but it still seems like a big deal to us that Dark Brandon is pushing so hard to replace lead pipes. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Chris Cuomo said something dumb and awful. Yeah, we forgot he existed too. More: Mediaite

Note 18: It looks like Tommy Tuberville might finally stop blocking military promotions. So he can start attacking individual members of the military. Dude is just the fucking worst. More: CNN

Note 19: Let’s end this week on a happy note. And shockingly it’s coming from the White House briefing room. Yesterday Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre unveiled a new briefing room lectern that is named after Alice Dunnigan and Ehtel Payne, the first two Black women in the White House press corps. It’s nice when evil racist dickheads aren’t running the White House. More: C-SPAN

Note 20: And on that lovely note, let’s go do some news! We hope you had an awesome week, SPs. And if you didn’t, that’s ok too. We can always try again tomorrow. Hang in there, and as always, please stay the fuck away from Florida Republicans. Love y’all!

About damn time

Thanks to Barack Obama, Joe Biden and Gov. Roy Cooper, 600,000 North Carolina residents will be eligible for Medicaid starting today. Yeah it took 10 fucking years but better late than never, right? While this is welcome news, it’s also important to remember that the frontrunner for the Republican nomination wants to take this shit away as soon as he can. Let’s not let that happen, shall we?

More: AP


Speaking of stuff that took way longer than it should have, the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday voted to authorize subpoenas for Leonard Leo and Harlan Crow, two of the fuckers who bought and broke the US Supreme Court. And boy did Republicans absolutely flip their shit over it. But here’s the thing about being threatened by Lindsey Graham and Tom Cotton — THEY DO THAT SHIT EVERY FREAKING DAY. So yeah, we don’t really care that they’re upset they don’t get to protect their billionaires and those assholes who overturned Roe. And we can’t believe we’re saying this, but thank you to Dick Durbin for finally getting tough on this shit.

More: HuffPost

Whither Santos?

So we have to ask — why did anyone think the same scumbags who’ve spent the last few years making excuses for an attack on the US Capitol were actually going to expel George Santos? All week it looked like Georgie’s time was finally up, but this morning MAGA Mike said he would vote against expelling the cheap con artist and it sure looks like the rest of the party is going to fall in line. But why is this at all surprising? Aren’t they all basically George Santos?

More: NPR

Today’s clips

Sandra Day O’Connor, the first woman to serve on the Supreme Court, died at age 93, the court announced Friday. More: HuffPost

Former President Donald Trump’s attorneys in the Georgia election subversion case are set to defend their client in a Fulton County courtroom for the first time on Friday as they try to have the charges thrown out on First Amendment grounds. More: CNN