12.12.23 King Trump?

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a woman had to flee an American state so she could get some goddamn healthcare.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we regret to inform you that shit is fucked up. Yeah, we know that’s kind of a downer way to start the newsletter, but there was a development with Kate Cox’s situation in Texas yesterday and so we’re in a super cuss-y mood…

SHE HAD TO FLEE THE FUCKING STATE! FUCK! GODDAMNIT! Ok so we already did a super rant yesterday so today we’re going to try something different. Here’s an interview with a uterus…

TBS: Hey! Thanks for joining us!

Uterus: No problem. I’ve got a few million Republicans trying to get inside me so I might as well make time for you guys too.

TBS: Yeah, you do seem crowded. Do they even know who you are?

Uterus: Not really. Half these dumbshits think I’m where the pee comes out.

TBS: Oof. But they just care about life right?

Uterus: Oh fuck off. Not mine. And not the woman I’m a part of. And not the fetus after it becomes a baby. So no, no they do not. They’re like my friend the colon — completely full of shit.

TBS: Yeah, we figured. Is there any message you’d like to send to the people trying to control you?

Uterus: Yes. Please get the fuck out of me and leave me and my friends the fuck alone.

You heard her. Leave her the fuck alone. Enough is enough. Stay mad, SPs. Stay mad. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Not long after Cox fled the state of Texas to get healthcare yesterday, the corrupt Texas Supreme Court ruled against her, saying her health wasn’t endangered enough to qualify for an exception to the law. Feel free to add your own furious cuss words here. More: CNN

Note three: Wait. Rudy showed up to court with his belt undone?!!!!! What a fucking mess. He’s the face poop of people! We can’t wait to tear that asshead a new one in the news section. More: HuffPost

Note four: For your planning purposes, SPs, we wanted to let you know that we are planning on taking a significant winter break. This is going to be our last week publishing until after Christmas. Next year is going to be fucking insane and so we want to make sure we take some time to recharge and hug our loved ones before we give y’all and America everything we’ve got. Also, we know we’re way behind on returning emails but we are planning to respond to every one of them before we take our break.

Note five: We’ll talk more about this in the news section, but even Fox fucking News says impeachment is a joke.

Note six: Speaking of Fox, Tucker Carlson is launching his own streaming something or other. To be honest, we didn’t care enough to find out because fuck that dude. More: AP

Note seven: Jack Smith is going to use Trump’s cellphone data at trial. Can you imagine how gross Trump’s cellphone data must be? Yikes. More: Politico

Note eight: We recently asked y’all for your favorite non-traditional holiday songs and y’all really came through big time. So how about movies and tv specials? What are the best ones that aren’t It’s a Wonderful Life?

Note nine: Taylor Swift is giving $1 million to help Tennessee storm victims. We’re beginning to think she’s a much better person than the psycho loser incels who keep attacking her for being a woman with a voice. More: People

Note 10: Do you know other Americans? Oh good. We thought so. Make sure they know about this shit…

Note 11: If you haven’t noticed, we’re mostly doing Threads today. We can’t say we’ve quit the twitter habit for good, but that Alex Jones bullshit sure gave us a push in that direction.

Note 12: If you’re like us and freaking out about polls while also claiming to not be freaking out about polls then Reuters has some reassuring numbers today. Be sure to read down to the part about the swing states. But also, you shouldn’t freak out about polls. They’re all garbage. More: Reuters

Note 13: Elise Stefanik is a piece of shit plagiarist? And here we thought she was just a piece of shit. More: Daily Beast

Note 14: Ron Johnson is a lot of things. But mostly he’s a treasonous lying dumbfuck. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Gosh. We’re so sorry we missed this quality programming.

Note 16: President Zelensky is in Washington today to meet with lawmakers and ask them to not be Putin’s pets. That’s probably why House Republicans moved up their impeachment bullshit. Because they already are Putin’s pets. More: CNN

Note 17: The new head of scumbag organization Project Veritas was shocked to discover that Project Veritas is a scumbag organization. More: HuffPost

Note 18: This is what we look like when we read the stories about Kate Cox and the Texas scum who want to control her body… More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note and the closest thing we could find today is that a corrupt and broken SCOTUS isn’t going to fuck with conversion therapy bans for now. But three GOP justices sure wanted to. So add this to the list of shit at stake in next year’s election. More: NPR

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a good week. But we also hope you’re as pissed off as we are. And we know you are. Channel it into a campaign, SPs. It’s the most constructive thing we can think of. We also suggest lots and lots of cussing. Love y’all!

King Trump?

Special Counsel Jack Smith yesterday asked the Supreme Court to expedite its decision about whether Trump is a king who is immune from prosecution for crimes he committed while in office and after he left. And the Court agreed to hear his argument quickly, giving Trump until next week to decide. It’s damn important that SCOTUS move fast on this if Smith is to put Trump on trial in March. And of course Trump is furious because he wants to drag this shit out until he’s president again so he can pardon himself. We’re about to find out just how broken and corrupt this broken and corrupt court really is.

More: Politico

Bye, Doodie

You would’ve thought that the Four Seasons landscaping thing was the lowest day of Rudy Giuliani’s life. Or the day when he appeared to be shitting out of his forehead. Or that whole Borat thing. Or really many many other days when his sorry drunken ass humiliated himself. But we’re really hoping that the worst day of Rudy’s life is coming up when Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss take him to the fucking cleaners. Yesterday in court, Rudy’s lawyer told the jury that if the two election workers Rudy defamed get their way then it will represent “the end” of Rudy Giuliani. Sounds good to us. Especially since Rudy then went outside and continued to defame the two women, leading to a sharp rebuke from the judge this morning in court. Keep talking, dipshit.

More: CNN

Fuck it let’s do this

We were expecting Trump’s House Republicans to vote to open an impeachment inquiry into Joe Biden tomorrow, but MAGA Mike Johnson appears to have moved it up to today. They still have no evidence of any wrongdoing. Instead they’re pushing that stale and repeatedly debunked Burisma shit. At this point, we say fine. Bring it on. We want Americans to see that House Republicans are working for Trump and not them and this is a perfect way to do that. Want to be the party of Marjorie Taylor Greene? Fine with us. We look forward to telling the nation all about it. Assholes.

More: Axios

Today’s clips

Claudine Gay will maintain her role as president of Harvard University, the school’s governing board announced Tuesday, with the decision following uproar over her handling of antisemitic threats while speaking before Congress last week. More: HuffPost

Three months after the FBI seized classified records from Mar-a-Lago last August, a longtime employee of Donald Trump’s private club quit his job. More: CNN