12.11.23 Russian to sell us out

Be advised: This newsletter cusses because there are some fascist misogynistic motherfuckers who need a cussin’. Looking at you, Texas.

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots! Anyone in the mood for a good ol’ fashioned furious and profane TBS rant? Oh good. We were hoping you’d say that. Hey, Texas, get your fucking shit together!

Oh goddamnit to hell are we pissed off. And we know every one of you Sexy Patriots are too. Especially you poor sonsofbitches who call the Lone Star State home. And that’s why this isn’t a cuss out of the whole godforsaken state. Hell, we wouldn’t cuss out Willie Nelson. No, this rant is for the rest of those motherfuckers who want to control women’s bodies and endanger their lives all because they are small men with small peckers who want to feel big and important and instead just end up being evil fucking shitheads who suck demon ass.

By now you have no doubt seen this absolute bullshit…

That is some absolute flarshtooping anosschpit! Yeah, we’re so fucking mad we want to invent new cuss words. Elon Musk is hanging out with an alleged rapist human trafficker and Sandy Hook truther and he’s not even in the Top 10 of biggest scumbag fucknuts from this weekend. No, that honor goes to Ken Paxton, the Texas Supreme Court and every last assbreath asshead asshole who helped put them in power. And one of the most fucked up things about this is that it is only the beginning. They just overturned Roe last year and they’re doing this. What do you think is going to happen next? Exactly.

So be fucking angry. Stay fucking angry. Help other people get angry. And then point them to a ballot box. Because if we don’t stop this shit, it won’t stop. To Kate Cox, we’re so fucking sorry you’re going through this and we hope you know that millions and millions of us have your back. And to Paxton and the rest of the Texas taliban, well please fuck right off, eat shit and kiss our asses. Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNN

Note two: Elon is still a HUGE scumbag fucknuts. So please see the news section for an important call to action about that shit-eating freakshow.

Note three: President Zelensky is coming to town. He has to because one of our major political parties is in love with the soulless monster who won’t stop attacking his country (more in the news section). The Ukrainian president will meet with President Biden at the White House and the U.S. Senate at the Capitol on Tuesday. Is it wrong that we kinda want to see him kick Markwayne’s ass. More: Axios

Note four: You want to have your mind blown? Someone actually married Ron “Puddin’ Fangers” DeSantis. Want to hear something not-at-all mind-blowing? She sucks as bad as him. She recently told “moms and grandmoms” from all over to go participate in the Iowa caucuses. Which would of course be voter fraud. LOLOL! The idiot doesn’t fall far from the idiot tree in that family. More: CNN

Note five: Of all the people to lecture us on morals…

Note six: House Republicans are going to vote to open an impeachment inquiry into Joe Biden this week. They have zero evidence he has done anything wrong. Anybody excited to make them eat this shit in November? More: CNN

Note seven: Doodie Pooliani is doing his face-crapping in federal court this morning where a jury is going to decide how much he has to pay Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman for defaming them. We know he’s already broke, but it’s still gonna be fun to watch take his sorry ass to the cleaners. More: AP

Note eight: This weekend, baseball player Shohei Othani signed a 10-year $700 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers. TBS is just $700 million away from making the same kind of money. More: The Ringer

Note nine: This weekend Trump said that a general who has overseen actual battles told him that his response to the Access Hollywood tape was the bravest thing he’s ever seen. And if you believe that dumb shit, you probably think Jan. 6 was a tourist visit and Trump is in great shape. More: HuffPost

Note 10: This shit is terrifying and it’s really happening. And every fucking poll shows Joe Biden losing. What the hell is happening?!

Note 11: We know not everyone loves LeBron James, but surely we can all celebrate his son Bronny returning to the court just a few months after suffering cardiac arrest. Welcome back, Bronny! More: NBC

Note 12: The president of UPenn resigned this week just a few days after giving a disastrous answer to Elise Stefanik. All these university presidents made asses of themselves. Just like the disingenuous assholes who are celebrating taking them down. We would never defend what these dumbasses said but free speech on campuses sure seems to only go one way. More: CNN

Note 13: So what is Joe Biden doing today? Oh he’s in Philly announcing the reopening of two closed firehouses thanks to legislation he passed. And the firefighters he’s seeing are getting a raise. Thanks, Dark Brandon. More: AP

Note 14: The University of Wisconsin announced it is gutting or ending its diversity programs and instead creating a position on conservative thought. What the effing fuck?! More: AP

Note 15: We get into this more in the news section but you can see it went great…

Note 16: Trump spent the weekend saying he wants to be a dictator. It’s become his regular weekend thing. And nobody seems to give a shit.

Note 17: We know we already talked about this but we’re so fucking excited to see Rudy get nailed to the wall.

Note 18: We didn’t listen to Al Gore in 2000. We didn’t listen to Al Gore on climate change. Maybe we should start listening to Al Gore. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note, well, we are so happy to see that Jezebel is back to publishing after being bought by Paste Magazine. We need strong journalistic voices in a post-Roe world and Jezebel is about as good as it gets. More: Jezebel

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! Let’s just make sure we don’t do it in Texas where we could probably be arrested for this shit. Fuckers. Love y’all!

(Chicken noises)

Did you ever think about how hard it is to write out chicken noises and still have readers know what you’re talking about? We didn’t either. Not until today. So just imagine we’re making very insulting chicken noises as we make fun of an orange dingus who peed himself at the thought of testifying today and backed out like the pathetic weakling that he is. LOLOL. Yeah, remember how Trump was supposed to be the last defense witness in his fraud trial? Well he apparently remembered that he’s the bone spurs chickenshit who’s actually just all talk and then he decided not to testify. He made up a bunch of pathetic excuses on Truth Social, but the reality is he’s a gutless punk and he shows it at every turn. Ha. What a wimp.

More: AP

Russian to sell us out

So news broke Sunday that allies of Hungarian Prime Minister and total fascist fuck Victor Orban will be in D.C. this week, meeting with the Heritage Foundation and Republicans to strategize about how to defund Ukraine so Putin can finish the evil job he started there. That’s why Zelensky has to leave his country and come to Washington. And it is fucking grotesque. The GOP is no longer even pretending to hide what side they are on here. This is real, y’all. It’s really happening. Work those phones and work those campaigns because we are on the verge of some truly scary shit.

More: Guardian

Ewwww gross

So you’ll be shocked that miserable scumbag Elon Musk is doing miserable scumbag things, but it’s the truth. This weekend, Musk went back on his word (shocked again!) and allowed disgusting wet fart Alex Jones back on twitter. He then immediately had a twitter hangout with Jones and that dude Andrew Tate who has been credibly accused of rape and human trafficking. If you’re throwing up with rage and disgust right now, that is the appropriate response. That’s what we were doing yesterday when our friend Robert sent along a suggestion that we “Santorum” Musk. For those of you who don’t remember, back when Rick Santorum was a homophobic dick in the Senate, writer and comedian Dan Savage came up with a new definition of “Santorum” to mean “a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.” And it stuck. And it’s been eating Rick Santorum alive ever since. So our buddy Robert suggested that from now on a musk is the sludgy wet stain on your underwear that confirms one has pooped themselves while trying to fart. “I thought I might have sharted, and the musk on my underwear confirmed it.” Thanks, Robert! Spread the word, SPs! Let’s change the world!

More: AP

Today’s clips

Secretary of State Antony Blinken defended the U.S. government’s decision to, for the second time, veto the United Nations Security Council’s resolution demanding an immediate cease-fire in Gaza, as Israel continues to kill and displace tens of thousands of Palestinians. More: HuffPost

Lawyers for Alexey Navalny said Monday they have lost contact with the jailed Russian opposition leader, who was last known to be imprisoned in a penal colony east of Moscow, and his whereabouts are unknown. More: CNN