11.8.23 Don’t f**k with women

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it’s a pollster who fucking sucks at their job.

Note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! What a fucking night, Sexy Patriots! WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!! We don’t know about y’all, but we sure as shit needed some good news and some motherfucking hope. We’ve already pulled a muscle during a living room dance party and it feels fucking amazing. But can we talk for a second about all the people who keep getting this shit wrong?

It’s almost like the pollsters and the dumbshit green room pundits are completely and totally out of touch with what’s actually happening in this country and constantly making fools of themselves by talking out of their asses. So to help them clear things up, we sat down and interviewed the 2022 Red Wave…

TBS: Thanks for joining us, but you don’t exist, right?

Red Wave: Thanks guys. Big fan. Or I would be if I existed. And I don’t. I’m the figment of the imaginations of a bunch of dude bro reporters who like to imagine nobody gives a shit about abortion. But they do. They really do. Trust me. They do.

TBS: You got that right. What did you think of the polls from last weekend?

Red Wave: Fuck them polls. I think the New York Times should maybe try something else. Like a crystal ball or even a fucking magic eight-ball. Hell I think half of them still think I’m real like a kid who’s way too old to believe in Santa.

TBS: So do you think Democrats should stop panicking?

Red Wave: LOL. Panicking about what? Winning? Seems like they know more about how to do this stuff than the people who talk about it on tv all day.

TBS: Good point. Well thanks for joining us. Or not.

Red Wave: I see what you did there. Or I would if I existed. And again, I do not. Never did. Not for one damn second.

The non-existent Red Wave sure made a lot of good points. Let’s remember that going forward. But for now, let’s celebrate, Sexy Patriots. Things have been super fucked up and super scary for a while now and we all needed a night of victories. THANK YOU to every last one of you who helped make this happen. We are sooooo damn grateful. Y’all have a blessed and celebratory day.

Note two: We’re gonna get back to the super fucking awesome election results in a second, but we want to be clear that Santa is quite real just in case any kids are reading this. Wait a minute. Kids should definitely not be reading this.

Note three: KENTUCKY!!! We fucking love y’all! We’re not even gonna bring up the whole Mitch and Rand shit. We’re just so damn grateful to y’all for sending Andy Beshear back to the governor’s mansion. Also fuck Mitch and Rand. More: NBC

Note four: OHIO!!! We’re gonna talk more about y’all in the news section but um maybe Republicans shouldn’t still be trying to take away basic human rights from women. Just a suggestion. Goddamn what a huge win! More: NBC

Note five: VIRGINIA!!! It’s almost like the voters of the commonwealth aren’t as easily fooled by Republican bullshit as beltway pundits and reporters are. We want to thank all the people who voted and we want to thank Gov. Glen Youngkin who couldn’t stop talking about how he was going to ban abortion if he won. DEMOCRATS WON THE SENATE AND THE HOUSE!!! Thanks, moderate vest bro who will never be president! More: AP

Note six: PENNSYLVANIA!!! Y’all put someone on the Supreme Court who isn’t a Trump-loving coup-attempting scumbag. And yeah that seems like a low bar but it’s still a pretty big fucking deal and we really appreciate it!!! More: ABC27

Note seven: There were a lot of important factors at play in Kentucky. But also…

Note eight: HUGE congratulations to Gabe Amo, who was officially elected to the US House of Representatives last night. Amo is a former Biden aide, the first person of color to represent Rhode Island in the House and someone who makes the GOP margin one person smaller. Woohoo!!! More: NBC

Note nine: We’d just like to say a special FUCK YOU to the Ohio Republicans who did everything they could to lie, cheat and steal women’s basic human rights from them and still got nothing but the finger from Ohio voters.

Note 10: And they legalized weed?! Ohio seems cool as hell today. So how the fuck did a total tool like JD Vance ever get elected?! More: Politico

Note 11: HUGE congratulations to Cherelle Parker, the new mayor of Philadelphia and the first woman to hold the job! More: NBC

Note 12: LOL. New York Times reporters thought Biden would talk about their polls while he was at an Amtrak funding announcement? Are they on coke?

Note 13: Trump had an off-the-record dinner with reporters at Mar-a-Lago last night. No wonder they keep getting everything wrong. Btw, Punchbowl reported that and we just can’t bring ourselves to link to it.

Note 14: Democrats on the House Oversight Committee are asking why Republicans aren’t investigating Clarence Thomas’s RV. Ya know, because everyone knows how worried those Republicans are about bribery. LOL. More: USA Today

Note 15: HUGE congratulations to Yusef Salaam, one of the exonerated members of the Central Park Five who Trump wanted put to death. Instead he was just elected to the New York City Council. More: AP

Note 16: Oh right, don’t forget this is happening today. We didn’t realize our moods could get any better but here we are…

Note 17: The Hunter Biden Special Counsel testified yesterday and it turns out House Republicans are totally full of shit. We know you’re shocked. More: AP

Note 18: Biden is going to Illinois tomorrow to do an event with UAW president Shawn Fain. Smart. Biden took a big risk standing on the picket line and it paid off handsomely for everyone. Yet another thing a really shitty press corps got wrong. More: Bloomberg

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note usually because there ain’t that many happy notes. Today feels different. But still, enjoy this…

Note 20: And on that deliciously vindicated note, let’s go do some news! We hope the sun is shining wherever you are, SPs. You went out and did the damn thing and you once again pulled this nation back from the brink of fascism. We’re so fucking proud of you and so fucking grateful. Enjoy the day, you Sexy Patriots. You’ve earned it. Love y’all!!!

Happy 150th!

Yesterday the Senate confirmed Kenly Kiya Kato and Julia Kobick to two separate district courts, marking 150 Joe Biden judges confirmed. Y’all, that is a helluva big number. Do we wish it was bigger and included more than one SCOTUS seat? Of course. But let’s not overlook how fucking huge this is. We know we don’t have to tell y’all this — especially after last night — but elections matter.

More: NBC

Fingers crossed

American women might have literally dodged a bullet after the Supreme Court members seemed pretty goddamn skeptical of plaintiff arguments yesterday in an effort to overturn bans on domestic abusers keeping their guns. Still, it says a lot about the make-up, corruption and just plain evil of this Court that we really thought they might make it ok for domestic abusers to have access to guns. After all, we already know they don’t give two shits if women live or die.

More: CBS

Don’t fuck with women

Republicans, you done fucked up. When you decided to steal the Supreme Court and then steal basic human rights from millions and millions of American women, you fucked up. And we sure as hell aren’t gonna forget about it. There are two things that are undeniably true right now — 1. When abortion is on the ballot, Democrats win. And 2. Abortion is always on the ballot because Republicans are fucking crazy. We would very much like to celebrate these results and we are. But we’re not forgetting for one goddamn second just how much work we still have to do to make this shit right. But for now, THANK YOU to everyone in this country who is taking a stand for real freedom.

Today’s clips

The House passed a GOP-led resolution on Tuesday to censure Rep. Rashida Tlaib over comments critical of Israel and in support of Palestinians amid Israel’s war against Hamas. More: CNN

Republican Gov. Tate Reeves was reelected Tuesday, defeating Democratic challenger Brandon Presley in a tight race that political experts around the country had closely eyed for weeks as a potential upset. More: Mississippi Today